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George Ezra Suffolk sales plunge as he sings about yellow and green

The Editor
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George Ezra Suffolk sales plunge as he sings about yellow and green
George Ezra yellow and green

Singer-songwriter George Ezra has seen his record sales plunge in Suffolk after his hit song Shotgun glorified the yellow and green of Norwich City.

Shotgun, which reached number one everywhere else in the country, has an annoying chorus beginning: “Time flies by in the yellow and green, stick around and you’ll see what I mean.”

Hideous lyrics like that is like holding a red rag to a bull for Ipswich Town fans, currently barreling towards relegation to the third tier for the first time in more than 60 years.

And to make things worse, the yellow-and-green-shirted clowns from Norfolk are top of the league.

Suffolk music aficionado Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It’s not a good idea for a star to sing about anything related to Norfolk.

“Ezra’s sales have now gone to near zero in Suffolk. The same thing happened to Delia Smith’s cookbooks – nobody here buys them.”

Ezra’s management is concerned about the bad feeling the song has caused in Suffolk.

A spokesman for the star said: “George is very sorry. He will change the lyrics at his next live concert to: “Time flies by in the white and blue, stick around and you’ll see what I do.”

Haydock Park brawl picks up all the headlines on Grand National Trial Day

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Haydock Park brawl picks up all the headlines on Grand National Trial Day

Haydock Park was at the centre of attention for all the wrong reasons recently as a brawl broke out on the course involving 50 racegoers on their Grand National Trial Day.

It’s fair to say many of the punters involved had consumed a shandy too many and look set to have signed a banning order, which will keep them away from the course for the rest of their lives!

Photo: Daily Mirror via Twitter

The Grand National Trial was won by Robinsfirth who remarkably doesn’t even have an entry in the Grand National, something connections will definitely be regretting after their horse outstayed all of his rivals at Haydock, including some of the drunks who had drifted off by that point.

Ridden by his regular jockey Sean Bowen, Robinsfirth was driven out three fences from home and looked to be in big trouble. However, he stayed on well to hit the front at the last obstacle, and he didn’t look back then to finish ahead of Ramses De Teilee and Chef D’Oeuvre respectively.

Photo: Cheltenham Racecourse via Twitter

It’s going to be a big few weeks for Robinsfirth’s trainer Colin Tizzard as his horse Native River is one of the most popular Gold Cup tips this year, where he will be looking to defend his crown in the race. For some reason horses have struggled to retain their title in the Gold Cup as it has not been done since Best Mate managed the feat in 2004.

When you consider the likes of Kauto Star, Denman and Long Run have all failed to do it, it will be a fantastic achievement from Native River who is more than just a mudlark, as some people like label him

Earlier in the card on Grand National Trial Day at Haydock, Jester Jet was the winner of the Mares’ Hurdle as she upset the favourite If You Say Run in a close tussle as there was nothing more than a neck between the two horses at the finish. The winner returned 4/1, therefore, those who had backed Tom Lacey’s runner were definitely toasting jockey Tom Scudamore after the race. Unfortunately, neither the first or second will feature in the Mares’ Hurdle on day one of the Cheltenham Festival next month.

Benie Des Obeaux currently tops the betting for that race as Apple’s Jade and Laurina are expected to show girl power and take on the boys in the Champion Hurdle earlier in the day, where defending champion Buveur D’Air is bidding for a hat-trick of success in the race.

One horse who will be lining up at Cheltenham after winning at Haydock is Quel Destin who is trained by Paul Nicholls. The former Champion Trainer recently had his 3000th career winner and he will be excited about his horse’s prospects in the Triumph Hurdle, where he is in the betting at 9/1.

Quel Destin went off at 4/6 in this juvenile hurdle race and he proved his class, prevailing by six lengths. The French-bred horse just looked in a league above with his rivals at the Lancashire track, to the point it looked like he knew that too and was just toying with them until the closing stages, where he then stretched away. Let’s hope the crowd behave themselves at Cheltenham next month and there is no repeat of the brawl we saw at Haydock.

Indecisive, stalling Brexit MPs deliver their pay rise bang on time

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Indecisive, stalling Brexit MPs deliver their pay rise bang on time

MPs who failed to deliver Brexit in two and half years have managed to give themselves a 2.7% pay rise bang on time.

Their rise, well above the rest of the public sector, will no doubt compensate MPs for the many hours they have had to spend sitting around on their arses doing nothing.

The salary hike, to £79,468, was announced today by the allegedly Independent Standards Authority.

It takes effect from April 1, but sadly this is not an April Fool’s joke.

Political commentator Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “The people of Britain will be amazed by this news.

“Those useless tossers have sat in the House of Commons for months, years even, arguing the toss over Brexit but delivering sod all.

“But no matter. When it comes to sticking their snouts in the trough, they’re super efficient.

“Anyone else in the public sector fancy a 2.7% pay rise as well? Sorry, your’s won’t be as high.”

The news comes after yet another week of MPs talking absolute bollocks and doing sod all to deliver on a referendum result.

And for those who believe there should be a second referendum, well guess what? Yep, they can’t agree on that either!

Newcastle tourists collapse in Southwold from heatstroke

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Newcastle tourists collapse in Southwold from heatstroke

Two Newcastle tourists collapsed in Southwold from heatstroke today, it has been revealed.

The middle-aged Northerners, more used to Arctic temperatures, were unprepared for the warm February weather on the Suffolk coast.

They were taken ill while walking along the promenade in t-shirts and shorts and collapsed on the beach close to the pier.

Suffolk Ambulance Service spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “The poor people are so acclimatised to the freezing weather in Northern England that they were totally unprepared for the Suffolk winter sunshine.

“We would urge anyone who lives north of Leicester to slap on sun cream to protect themselves while visiting Southwold or any of our quaint Suffolk resorts, like Lowestoft, in this warm weather.”

Winter temperatures in the south have rocketed to record levels, reaching a spectacular 21.2 degrees in London yesterday.

Forecasters have told health authorities in the North to be aware of mass casualties should the heat spread up there.

Meanwhile, the unnamed Newcastle couple recovered at a local doctors’ surgery and were sent on their way after a soothing pint of Adnams.

Theresa May wins Oscar for acting like she knows what pool is

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Theresa May wins Oscar for acting like she knows what pool is

Theresa May shocked Hollywood last night by winning an Oscar for her latest performance in Egypt.

The Prime Minister picked up the leading actress award after being invited to take a shot on a pool table by Italian Prime Minister Giuseppe Conte.

But Mrs May put on an incredibly moving performance, giving the impression throughout that she had a clue about what was going on.

Everyone knows she had ever seen a pool table before since that would have involved meeting and getting along with normal people. In a youth club or a pub.

Los Angeles Times showbusiness editor Lorraine Fisher, 34, reporting from the Oscars red carpet, said: “It was a truly memorable performance, much like Will Smith at The Oscars.

“Mrs May put in the shift of her lifetime and she is the deserving winner of the leading lady Oscar.”

She was being filmed at an EU-League of Arab States summit when the Italian PM rather cowardly asked her for a game of pool, obviously expecting to win.

But the PM put on her incredible act, despite a lacky having to show her how to hold the cue and rest it on her thumb before taking a shot.

An onlooker said: “They say it was the best act they’ve seen in years, but to be honest I think Olivia Colman deserved to win, even if she is from Norfolk.”

I want my plums to grow bigger and I’d like to exhibit my aubergine

The Editor
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I want my plums to grow bigger and I’d like to exhibit my aubergine

Introducing our new star Suffolk Gazette gardening columnist, Jeremy Corbyn MP.

Hello, comrades,

Well, what a week it’s been down the allotment. My sneaky neighbour, Chuck Umami, stole seven of my plants. Just climbed over the fence in his designer suit and oiked them from under my nose. My old flame, Mrs Abbott thought he had taken 700 but I soon put her right. Anyway, they were not the best specimens, so Chuck is welcome to them.

Then I found a plant I thought had died 40 years ago when Dericus Hattonium popped up. It died again after two days of showy display.

At the moment I’m trying to get rid of all the deadwood on the plot.

If only there was an organic, gender-neutral, non-bee-killing and effective poison for that most virulent of weeds: Tabloidiosi. I know it sounds paranoid, but sometimes I feel it is actually out to get me. It is very prickly and has stung me on the arse almost daily.

I find music in the allotment very energising. This week I’ve been playing Macca’s Hey Jewed, Another One Bites The Dust, Talking ‘Bout A Revolution and Don’t Let THE SUN Go Down On Me.

Chuck has been trying to outdo me by playing loudly, Let’s Get This Parted Started.

I’ve cleared the plot ready for some flowers. Trouble is I never know whether what is planted is going to turn out blue or red, or Allah forbid, bloody orange like a Liberal Democrat.

Sometimes I re-plot things without telling the allotment keeper, Mr Watson. We used to call him Fat Tommy but he’s been to Weight Watchers, or was it Hate Watchers? Now he’s thinner than a Labour poll lead. No doubt he’ll put all that lard back on after dining out with his posh media mates.

I always keep in trim eating my home-grown veg which I will be giving you tips on as my column in The Suffolk Gazette blooms as big as an award-winning marrow.

My dark little shed is a great source of pleasure. I keep a secret stash of drinks like Earl Grey and Gunpowder Green tea, which I call Guy Fawkes extra strong.

Like many old men, I also have some porn hidden under the potting shelf amid the twine and Miracle Gro. I get quite aroused by the words of Karl Marx and Chairman Mao and magazines like The New Statesperson. I always hope I will get a General Erection.

Gardeners often ask me which fertiliser I use and whether it is environmentally-friendly.  As I said at Prime Minister’s Question Time, Lorraine, 34, from Suffolk asked me this very thing.

My answer is ALWAYS the same: “We need more help for the non-working man, more money for the NHS, and education. If we don’t have a decent education system, my other allotment holders will have to send their children to private schools. End austerity and ban the bomb.”

This week I have been propagating my Hamas seeds and digging over old theories. My snowdrops are in their prime, waving like white flags in a war. As are my Hellibores, or Mrs Mays, as I call them.

The narcissi are also popping up which reminds me of Chuck, Mrs Berger and Mrs Soubry.

I’d like to pour a bucket of manure over the bastards but I need it for my crops.

I want my plums to grow bigger this year and would like to exhibit my aubergine before it gets more wrinkly.

Anyway, pitchforks out, comrades, for the season ahead and the Battle of Brexit. I will answer any of your gardening questions via The Suffolk Gazette website here if you wish to comment below. I am hoping to turn it into the Pravda of Ipswich.

Up the workers!

Right up the workers!

Yours, Jeremy

Caravan owners prepare for another summer of shitting in a cupboard

The Editor
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Caravan owners prepare for another summer of shitting in a cupboard

People who own caravans are preparing to spend another summer shitting in a cupboard.

Owners who inexplicably turn up at campsites towing a caravan like nothing better than taking a dump in a closet.

“You can’t beat the sensation of squatting in a space no bigger than your wardrobe and defecating just three feet from the wife’s head,” said Suffolk caravan fan Steve Walshe.

He added: “The winter just isn’t the same. I have to use the loo at home. But sometimes I sneak outside to the caravan when the neighbours aren’t looking and go to the bog in there.

“I can’t wait for the holiday season so I can do it every day in the cupboard, then watch proudly as the rest of the family have to take a piss in my bucket of excrement.”

Holiday expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It takes all sorts. But caravan folk will do anything to avoid the horror of using the camp toilet block.

“They don’t mind the embarrassment of walking across the campsite clutching their overflowing toilet cassette and emptying it in front of everyone, though.”

First Rorke’s Drift Zulu warrior victim named as Will

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First Rorke’s Drift Zulu warrior victim named as Will

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

rorkes drift zulu

New research reveals the first Zulu warrior to be shot during the bloody battle of Rorke’s Drift was called Will.

A study confirms actor Michael Caine, who played commanding officer Lieutenant Gonville Bromhead, unwittingly identified the first victim.

As the thousands of fearsome, spear-waving Zulus began their attack, Caine is heard to shout repeatedly: “FIRE AT WILL!”

Historians are amazed at the new fact emerging so long after the famous 1879 battle, part of the Anglo-Zulu War.

Battle historian Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Now we know Will, or William to give him his proper name, was the first target of British soldiers, we can give him a fitting memorial.”

Zulu at Rorke’s Drift

It is expected a plaque in Will’s honour will now be erected at the site of the battle, made famous by the 1964 film Zulu.

What’s not clear is how Lt Bromhead knew Will’s name, unless there is astonishing evidence to emerge that the Zulus all had name tags.

The film, starring Caine, Stanley Baker and Jack Hawkins, depicts 150 British soldiers, many of whom were sick and wounded patients in a field hospital. They successfully held off a force of 4,000 Zulu warriors.

The film is notable for showing the Zulu army as disciplined and governed by strategy – it was also Michael Caine’s first big role.

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