The entertainment world is mourning the loss of actor Albert Finney, who died this week, aged 82.
In true Suffolk Gazette fashion, here we publish our obituary Haiku from resident writer, Richard Standen. The Suffolk Gazette remains the world’s only newspaper to write its obituaries in Haiku form.
Albert Finney the
Bafta-winning actor dies.
Albert. C’est
Albert Finney, actor
Born: 9th May 1936, Salford
Died: 7th
To mourn along with all our obituary Haikus, following this obituary Haiku link.
The Government has commissioned the famous Walberswick Ferry to fetch and carry container freight from Europe in the event of a post-Brexit import crisis.
The sturdy little vessel will be called into action to transport containers from Europe into the UK, helping to ease any log-jams at major ports caused by Brexit chaos.
More used to transferring holidaymakers and walkers over the River Blyth between Southwold and Walberswick in Suffolk, the ferry will be called upon to make repeated trips to France and Belgium.
The trips will be hard work for the ferryman or ferrywoman, who will have to row jolly hard to make it across the North Sea or
And it will be even harder on the return trip, with a container-load of insulin or fresh vegetables on board.
Lorraine Fisher, 34, from the British Brexit Department said: “It’s sensible to make contingency plans should goods be held up at busy ports like Dover.
“We’ve already started trials with Seaborne Freight for goods to come through Ramsgate, so this is just an additional measure.”
However, Suffolk Tourist Authority fears the deal will mean the ferry is often unavailable to holidaymakers during the height of the summer season.
A spokesman said: “The poor woman who runs the ferry uses all her skill and strength to row the few yards over the River Blythe, so goodness how tough it will be for her to get back from France with a container.
“Surely the Government could find more appropriate transport solutions?
“It will be rather dangerous for people to try to swim across the Blyth – potentially an unexpected victim of Brexit in the making.”
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent
Police in the village of Midsomer will get special stop and search after murders rose to four a week.
Parliament has made special exceptions for the Oxfordshire village, where residents are afraid to go to the church, paper shop or library for fear of being slaughtered by crazed men in corduroy trousers and women in Laura Ashley or Boden tunics, wielding knives or shotguns.
“It’s turned into Midsomer Madness,” said Chief Superintendent Tom Barnaby. “The force is working overtime and still the killings continue.
“The council is considering building a wall between Midsomer and Causton. In theory, we will be stopping all black people and white people, although I have never actually seen a person of colour in any of the local villages.
“We won’t just be searching for knives and guns. We need to be wary of poisoned pots of blackberry jam and elderberry wine, as well as Semtex inside library books, ancient statues laced with Novichok and razor blades
“My warning to these murderers is that we are going all-out to get them and they will face justice. We do not care about their so-called human rights. We will stop anyone who looks suspicious whether they be the vicar or a band of passing circus folk.”
Lorraine Fisher, 34, who runs the Midsomer Macrame Collective, said: “We welcome this initiative. Villagers have been afraid to leave their rose-covered cottages for fear of being slain. We need more Bobbies on the beat and several more coroners in green overalls and shower caps to cope with the crime here.”
A spokesman for Jeremy Corbyn said: “Stop and search should only be used in exceptional circumstances. We need to look at the reasons behind these crimes, like poverty and lack of opportunity to reach the top of the Midsomer Victoria Sponge Society or Lace-Making Group, which can make people feel marginalised and driven to crime.”
By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor
The Queen will be evacuated to the safety of Framlingham Castle in Suffolk if rioting breaks out after Brexit, we can reveal.
Her Majesty will be safe within the confines of the castle, which she was given on the occasion of her 90th birthday.
If protesters take to the streets, she will be airlifted by helicopter from Buckingham Palace or
The astonishing plans were leaked to the Suffolk Gazette as it was revealed Britain had re-engaged Cold War evacuation planning because of Brexit.
Evacuation planner Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “We have plans to protect all important figures like the Queen. She owns Framlingham Castle, which is seen as a safe haven because it is in sleepy rural Suffolk.
“She will remain within the safe confines of the castle walls until everyone stops rioting.”
Local Royal watcher Roy Everett said he was looking forward to welcoming the Queen.
“She will be made to feel safe here in Suffolk. There won’t be much rioting going on around these parts.”
The Suffolk Gazette scooped all the national press three years ago when we revealed Her Majesty had been given Framlingham Castle for a 90th birthday present by a grateful nation.
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent
A farmer has been caught setting up an elaborate operation to smuggle French brandy into Britain after Brexit.
Maurice Piper, a potato farmer outside Orford in Suffolk, devised a cunning plan to beat new customs regulations and pipe the delicious spirit under the sea.
Cops raided the farm and found enough stashed piping to reach Calais. Paperwork found in the farmhouse confirmed officers had smashed a
Suffolk Police worked closely with Customs and Excise on so-called Operation Cognac after an initial tip-off from the pipe wholesalers, who became suspicious about the amount of pipe Piper purchased.
Customs’ chief investigator for East Anglia, Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “We were expecting a rise in smuggling operations after Brexit.
“Mr Piper’s operation, which had been in the planning for months, has now been mashed.”
Mr Piper had linked up with a French farmer in Northern France, Madame Charlotte Desiree. He had hired a trawler to lay the cabling for 200 miles from under the North Sea near Orford down the east coast and across the Channel to France.
Madame Desiree’s gang would then pump hundreds of gallons of French brandy through Piper’s piping, where it would then be hoarded in hundreds of ageing barrels in a barn, before being sold on for a huge profit.
A spokesman for Suffolk Police said: “England would have been flooded with contraband spirit, costing the country a small fortune in lost duties.
“We acknowledge there may be some difficulty getting goods across from France after Brexit, but we advise people not to set up their own smuggling networks.
“This is not the 18th century.”
Piper will appear before Ipswich Magistrates next week.
Suffolk residents have been warned to expect two feet of snow and to take appropriate precautions.
The two feet are expected to appear at various places across the county overnight, bringing chaos and destruction.
Met Office spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Some people will be waking up to two feet of snow. We urge them to take precautions and avoid walking into them.
“Simply walk around them and there should not be any issues.
“Please do not approach the two feet of snow, or attempt to jump on them.”
Suffolk county highways officials are busy out gritting in case the two feet of snow wander onto any roads.
But in what can only be described as “over-cautious” preparations, Greater Anglia has already cancelled loads of services for the remainder of the week. They have also cancelled trains in July because it is expected to be quite hot.
An insider at the rail company said: “Imagine if these two feet of snow sat on a rail line?
“There would be absolute carnage, and no-one would forgive us. Best to be safe than sorry – and cancel everything.”
It is thought the two feet of snow could stick around until the weekend.
In which case they have a great chance of being selected to play for Ipswich in the crunch home game against Sheffield Wednesday on Saturday.
A pal of Town manager Paul Lambert said: “Paul always likes a player with two good feet, and these two feet of snow could do a proper job against Sheffield.”
The only good news relating to snow is the Welsh bobsleigh team winning gold at the Winter Olympics.
Meanwhile, the snow has caused a polar bear to turn up in Ipswich, while there are complaints about the new snow plough fleet in Norfolk not being up to the job.
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent
Prince Philip faces further questions over his driving after taking a digger for a spin in Liverpool.
Workers watched in amazement as the digger went out of control and smashed down the front of a Travelodge hotel.
The Duke of Edinburgh, 97, claimed he was dazzled by the sun and smashed into the hotel lobby.
He walked away unhurt from the crash, just days after his Range Rover turned over in an accident in Norfolk.
Liverpool hotel builder Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “I was just laying some bricks when there was this almighty crash.
“Next minute there is a terrible commotion as this digger is ripping up everything in the hotel lobby.
“Only then did we realise Prince Philip was at the wheel. And he wasn’t even wearing a seatbelt.
“He probably shouldn’t be driving at his age.”
Police will question the Prince, who was unhurt in the accident.
The news comes just days at the Prince was named as a new driver for the Williams F1 team.
It is believed Prince Philip was on a private visit to Liverpool to view building work at a Travelodge hotel.
Actor Windsor Davies, famous for his barking sergeant major character in It Ain’t Half Hot Mum, has died aged 88.
The Suffolk Gazette publishes this tribute from resident obituary Haiku writer, Richard Standen. We’re the only newspaper in the world to cover obituaries in this way.
It Ain’t Half Hot Mum’s
Windsor Davies dies. “Oh dear,
how sad, nev… SHUT UP!”
Windsor Davies
Born: 28th August 1930
Died: 17th January 2019
To see all our obituary Haiku tributes, click right here.
