The Duke of York has been promoted to Seaman Staines to mark the occasion of his 60th birthday, it has emerged.
Buckingham Palace confirmed the honour – a slightly lower promotion than expected owing to recent events.
Royal spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, explained: “Convention suggested Prince Andrew would be made an Admiral of the Royal Navy when he turned 60.
“While he is currently unemployed, however, and facing somewhat lurid accusations, he has agreed to a less controversial appointment.
“Seaman Staines has been a noble position in the Royal Navy alongside Roger the Cabin Boy and Master Bates for generations. Captain Pugwash is part of Britain’s military fabric after all.”
Captain Pugwash
A Palace statement confirmed Seaman Staines Andrew had asked that his promotion to Admiral be deferred until such time as he resumes Royal duties.
However, bells will still ring out around the country to celebrate the great man’s 60th birthday.
A man has decided to step into his back garden for the first time since November, it has emerged.
But Steve Walshe took one look at the long grass, shrivelling leaves and assorted debris before going straight back indoors again.
“It was a bit of a mess if I’m honest,” he told reporters from his home in Woodbridge, Suffolk. “I think I’ll leave it for a bit.”
Gardening expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said people who loved to spend time in the garden during the spring and summer simply abandoned it for the rest of the year.
“It’s a shame,” she said. “If only they would keep things under control during the autumn and winter, there wouldn’t be so much to do in the spring.”
Mr Walshe reckons it will take him at least four weekends to get things straight again.
“But I think I’ll leave it until March. The weather could turn at any minute and you can’t go sorting things out in the snow.”
Do you spend your days longing for the idyllic age of childhood, complete with the typical array of soft toys? There are many online slots that take this yearning as an intrinsic theme these days, however not many can match the iconic Fluffy Favourites series from critically acclaimed developers Eyecon.
You just know an online slot is good when it spawns various spin-offs, just look at the Rainbow Riches series, for instance. Well, Fluffy Favourites occupies the same kind of space, with Fluffy Favourites Fairground being one of the best iterations in the series. Let’s take a better look and then play at Easy Slots after!
About Fluffy Favourites Fairground and its bonus features
Any keen slot gambler worth their salt would have at least tried the original Fluffy Favourites title; it proved to be a jewel in Eyecon’s catalogue pretty quickly after it was released, and for good reason. Players far and wide were blown away by its aesthetic level of detail, especially because it was based on such a relatable and innocent theme. Fluffy Favourites Fairground expands on this topic, placing the, by now, familiar cuddly toys into a highly exhilarating fairground setting.
In terms of configuration, we’re looking at the same 5 reels and 25 pay-line format that was utilized to great effect in the original Fluffy Favourites. It is a tried and tested formula, and there’s no wonder Eyecon has opted to keep this part of Fluffy Favourites Fairground pretty much the same. Things like the scatter symbol also remain the same – you will want to look out for the pink elephant here, it can reward up to 25 free spins, not bad eh? Where Fluffy Favourites Fairground really comes into its own, however, is in the new Toybox Pick bonus round. If you are lucky enough to encounter 3 claw symbols this will take you through to a new screen, when here you will have to pick a prize with an arcade-like claw machine. Fun stuff!
About Eyecon and Other Slots by Them
Eyecon are one of the certified heavy hitters in the online slots market, with over two decades of experience in the fiercely competitive industry. This in itself is a massive achievement, but the company gets even more impressive when you start to consider the extent of their very popular back-catalogue. Just take a look at some of these examples, they are mental:
Kingdom Of Cash
Temple Of Ausar
Unicorn Bliss
Sunny Money
Moreover, the great thing about Eyecon is that they started out life as proper game developers, with their offering Gore being downloaded millions of times since its release in 1997. It means that their slots are all designed with the best gameplay in mind; not something you can say for every developer.
Fluffy Favourites Fairground: The Verdict
As if you thought the original Fluffy Favourites could not get any better, Eyecon pulls it out of the bag with Fluffy Favourites Fairground. The Toybox Pick bonus round gives just that little bit extra to the game, ensuring it will be played for many years to come.
Blank cheque: Boris Johnson’s pen ran out (Photo: Number 10 Downing Street)
There was an awkward moment in Downing Street today when Boris Johnson’s pen ran out while he tried to sign the first £350 million cheque to the NHS.
The Prime Minister was eager to begin the untold benefits of Brexit with his first weekly post-EU payment to the health service, his side-of-a-bus pledge during the referendum campaign.
But after scribbling out today’s date, and ‘National Health Service’ in the pay line, his biro began to fade and stopped working at all after the word three on the second line.
Official Keeper of Government Pens Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It was a bit embarrassing.
“He still tried to sign his name on a cheque that was actually now for three pounds rather than £350 million.
“There were no more pens available as they were all held up on the other side of the channel, so he gave up and the NHS will need to struggle on as normal.
“It perhaps doesn’t bode well, but presumably he will sign a cheque for £700 million next week to make up for it.”
Political observer Alan Tasker added: “It’s like being robbed at ballpoint.”
A representative from Oxford University has announced that they will begin offering degrees in poker for the 2023 intake.
Rather than equip their students with the knowledge of ancient kings and queens, dead languages, and archaic terminology that nobody finds impressive, they will instead teach them about something that might actually help them get ahead in life.
A degree in poker would show that those who graduate are able to think strategically, bluff when necessary, and thoroughly analyse their opponents.
Many believe this will equip them better in real life than a degree in Slavonic Studies or Roman History would. But how would the degree in poker work?
The degree will be taught by poker experts, who have already announced they won’t be wearing the traditional robes and definitely won’t be hosting suppers to socialise with their students.
One expert, who gained poker fame online, pondered, “Why can’t they just hang out in the SU like at every other university?” Participants to the degree are urged to study up on figures such as Daniel Negreanu, a giant in the world of poker.
A poker degree would present an
opportunity for those undertaking it to learn skills in strategy and to gain an
appreciation for modern times. Poker, especially online poker from Paddy Power, reflects the latest technology with its live variant featuring a real
dealer, while many of its other variants test players’ abilities to think
analytically as well as being able to take risks. In order to reflect this, a
module will be taught on online poker.
The poker degree will feature a module on bluffing, which the representative of Oxford claimed is already a skill of many of their graduates. One of the board of governors has even suggested that if it is successful, future degrees could be awarded in backgammon, bridge, and even tiddlywinks. “We want to reach a broader variety of students, some of which might be fond of the popular counter game.”
Big draw: Oxford University
Examinations would be undertaken in The Hall at Christ Church and would likely involve a tournament in poker involving all who are studying the subject.
Professors and lecturers may also participate. Experts suggest that the three years of intense study, with a possible year out, would adequately prepare all who matriculate for a life of putting their poker skills to good use. International relations, politics, and careers in the media await those who can show they have the strategic know-how and the ability to play the game.
Cambridge University – not to be outdone – will
announce that their 2022 intake can study the art of TikTok, the social media
revolution that allows anyone to become a viral star. Many sceptics suggest
that TikTok will have fallen from grace by then, and the course should be
widened to focus on other social media platforms. LinkedIn’s CEO is especially
eager to have a course dedicated to the business networking site, but an
insider suggested that nobody really uses LinkedIn and certainly nobody would
remember their password for it for an entire three-year degree.
Whether the poker degree at Oxford University is
successful or not, it is definitely a huge gamble for the ancient university to
offer something that might benefit those living in the present day. But, one
that might prove necessary.
New ITN newsreader, Laurence Fox (Photo: Alf under CC BY-SA 3.0)
Alastair Stewart, the long-standing newsreader who was forced to quit after quoting Shakespeare to a black man on Twitter, is to be replaced by Laurence Fox, ITN has announced.
Mr Fox, famed for his white-privileged background and forthright approach to Woke Britain, will begin reading the news next week.
A Twitter user was so shocked that Mr Stewart quoted a Shakespeare line to him including the words “an angry ape” that he played the racism card, even though the veteran newsreader had previously quoted the same innocent line to a white person.
Mr Stewart, 67, was forced to end his 40-year broadcasting career as a result.
To ensure there is no repeat of this disgraceful behaviour, ITN bosses are playing it safe with Mr Stewart’s replacement.
News insider Lorraine Fisher, 34, revealed: “We have approached Laurence Fox to become our new newsreader.
“He is a man who is well-loved by all sections of our culturally diverse society. What could possibly go wrong?”
Mr Fox, 41, who stars in Lewis, raised eyebrows on Question Time recently when he was accused by a furious member of the audience of being a privileged white, middle-class male who could not possibly understand anything.
Mr Fox has since become a poster boy of the anti-woke brigade.
Unfortunately for ITN bosses, he is already showing sympathy to Mr Stewart on Twitter…
Ever alert to the needs of its passengers, Greater Anglia trains has begun repairing potholes in Essex and Suffolk to make bus replacement journies more comfortable.
The move is the latest from the train company that ensures passengers have a worry and trouble-free trip around its network.
Rail industry expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Greater Anglia is concerned that its customers are not getting the best service on the region’s roads.
“To make rail passengers’ life easier, potholes are now being filled in by Greater Anglia.”
Passengers looking forward to riding in a bus are delighted by the move.
Commuter Kevin Brown said: “That’s the thing with Greater Anglia – the company is so thoughtful.
“Now my journies will be super smooth when there are no trains about. Which seems to happen quite a lot.”
Greater Anglia is on something of a roll this month after it emerged TV rail pundit Michael Portillo managed to get a ride on one of its new Stadler train services, one of a few to work or not be delayed.
A devastating shortage of men’s dusty pink trousers has sparked a rise in indecent exposure cases in Woodbridge.
A Freedom of Information request by this newspaper reveals 78 men were arrested and charged in the town in 2019 for going out without any trousers on.
Suffolk Police spokeswoman Sgt Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “There is a national shortage of pastel pink male trouser garments.
“Rather than dig out other pretentious red or mustard-coloured trousers, fashion-conscious middle-class gentlemen are simply stepping out with nothing on.
“They won’t be seen dead in a pair of jeans or suit trousers.
“Unfortunately, the yummy mummies of the town do not appreciate bare legs, and we have to make arrests.”
Sgt Fisher said similar incidents had been found in Orford, Aldeburgh and Southwold.
“But Woodbridge is a hotbed. And now 78 men have had their collars felt, if not their trousers.”
Local man Tony Stone said: “I hate pastel-coloured men’s trousers, especially pink ones. But my neighbour, Malcolm, loves them. He’s been in prison since last Tuesday.”
Gentlemen’s outfitters have been desperately trying to source extra supplies to cope with demand and spare Suffolk ladies’ blushes.
