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Morris dancer caught burgling house

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Morris dancers
Morris dancers in familiar action

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

A morris dancer was jailed for six months today after admitting to breaking into a house near Ipswich.

Steve Walshe, 43, was desperate for cash after losing all his morris dancing gigs during the lockdown.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, prosecuting at Ipswich Crown Court, said: “He decided to break into a house at Hasketon, and used his morris dancing stick to force open a kitchen window.

“Unfortunately for him, as he was going through the kitchen and living room, his bells made such a racket that they woke up the homeowner.

“The owner went downstairs and found Walshe going through his desk. Walshe attempted to hit him with his stick but he tripped over the cat. The victim tied Walshe’s hands up with his dressing gown cord and detained him until police arrived.”

Walshe, who was defending himself in court, said: “I don’t want to make a song and dance about it but I was desperate for some money.

“There is no morris dancing work at the moment. Times are very hard.

“Unfortunately, I am not a very good criminal and should’ve removed the bells from my trousers before breaking into the house.”

Judge Jeremy Smythe said: “Many people think morris dancing is criminal anyway. But you really did take the law into your own hands.

“Being short of money is no excuse, and for this offence you will go to prison for six months. You would be advised not to tell any other inmates that you are a morris dancer, or they might beat seven bells out of you.”

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Cheltenham Festival to introduce floating fences?

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The Cheltenham Festival is the biggest meeting of the year in horse racing as for four days, the best horses in the sport compete across 28 races.

In order to add a bit of extra spice to the meeting this year, there are rumours organisers may be thinking about trying to add something different to the event. Here are a few things that could be trialled in 2021.

New look Gold Cup?

The biggest race of the week at the Festival is the Cheltenham Gold Cup. It is considered to be the Blue Riband event in the sport and as you can see from the Gold Cup results, it has been won by some of the all-time greats, including Arkle and Kauto Star, and current heroes like Al Boum Photo are at the forefront of the favourites already.

What if Cheltenham opted to make the race a cross between hurdles and fences, with a combination of the two types of obstacles. This may attract some of the best hurdlers to the contest in what would be a fascinating watch.

The winner would be regarded as the most versatile winner of the Gold Cup in history. It could also help crown the best horse in National Hunt racing right now.

Cross Country Chase like never seen before

The most unique race of the week at the Cheltenham Festival is the Cross Country Chase. Horses jump all kinds of different obstacles, including a log, water and an open ditch. Maybe this year, these obstacles can be even more exciting.

Some of the fences could be made from balloons. This would allow the shape to be defined into exciting designs, including a Christmas tree, sheep and paddling pool filled with water.

This race has been won twice by the dual Grand National winner Tiger Roll. It would be captivating to see the 11-year-old take on a new look course this year.

Bring back the Charity Race

Unfortunately, the charity race at Cheltenham no longer exists. It would be great to bring this back and invite some really interesting celebrities to take part.

You could have some real fan favourites such as David Beckham, Elton John and Jonathan Ross, alongside pantomime villains like Piers Morgan and Simon Cowell. The crowd would really get into it and it would attract a whole new audience to the Festival.

Camel racing

Ok, hear us out on this one. Camel racing might be something you would be more familiar with seeing in a desert of an exotic country, however, if Cheltenham really wanted to make a splash this year, this would do it.

They wouldn’t need the camels to jump any obstacles, as that might be too much to ask. However, a race in the home straight in front of the grandstand would be some spectacle.

If the weather is chilly, the camels could even be kitted out in different coloured silks and with name tags such as Cammy Star or Red Hump.

With all the above worked into the schedule, this year’s Cheltenham Festival could be the best of all time. It certainly would not lack any drama!

Getting a custom number plate with Swiftreg

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Registering a custom number plate can be tricky if you are not sure exactly where to look, especially since a lot of combinations are already taken.

Companies like swiftreg.co.uk are a great option for people who want the complete package all at once, but how do you legally change your number plate?

Understanding number plates

Number Plates are a unique identifier, and that means that you can’t have another person’s number plate as your own if you are both registered in the same country. If somebody already has “MARK,” then you can’t have “MARK” for yourself in that exact combination.

To get around that, a lot of number plates are quite creative, mixing in numbers to replace certain letters or adding extra letters to make sure that the registration is unique. As long as a number plate is not taken, you can usually buy it for yourself, unless it is somehow reserved for a very specific vehicle or owner.

Getting a new number plate costs money since your car is being re-registered to suit that new number plate. The plate has to match your registry, so you could not have a single vehicle with two different vanity number plates.

How much do they cost?

Number plates are not a set price – they are priced based on how desirable they are. This can seem odd, but it all makes sense when you consider how valuable certain plates can be. For example, a plate that is literally just an existing name (like the MARK example above) can cost a lot of money because it is a very desirable thing to have. 

The same happens for any desirable combination of letters and numbers, whether they are song references, number plates of fictional cars in popular media, names, places, or even descriptive words. The more recognizable a vanity plate is, the more it will cost you in the long-run, especially if you are not substituting any numbers or letters.

Custom number plates do not have to follow the same seven-digit limit as most other cars, and you can often get custom plates that go below seven. However, this can also increase the cost, especially when you are at three digits or below. A single-digit plate can be incredibly hard to acquire since they are all taken and priced very highly.

Getting a new plate

With companies like swiftreg.co.uk, a lot of the process is handled by experts. This means that you are not forced to try and get the plate yourself, which could take a lot of phone calls and plenty of awkward money transfers to handle. But how does the process actually work, and what do you need to do?

Identify the plate that you want

It always helps to start out with an idea of the kind of plate that you are looking for. Even if that exact plate is taken, it means that you have something to work with, and you can start replacing or adding digits to find a suitable alternative option.

Remember that some plates may be completely taken, especially ones that only use a few digits. It also helps to keep the price in mind since more direct plates (such as names with no alterations) are going to be expensive even if they are not already taken.

Find the plate

You can look on the Swiftreg site to see which ones are available, as well as the price that they are being offered for. Note that some plates may not be transferrable to vehicles registered before a certain time since there are still legal quirks involved in how a plate can actually work and what it has to represent.

Once that is done, you are able to just buy the plate, either for yourself or as a gift. It is no different from buying anything else online, although you will still need to get the car properly re-registered. You can also choose whether you want physical plates to be included in your order.

Enjoy your plate

Whether you pay it off all at once or follow a finance arrangement, there is not much stopping you from having your plate installed. You are able to get more options for how the service is handled and how the plates are delivered, but once you own them, you should be able to use them straight away.

Just make sure that your car is properly registered. If your plates do not match, then you could get in a lot of trouble, even if you technically own them but have not registered the car properly yet.

Read the Norfolk Valentine’s Day poem

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By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

The Suffolk Gazette has commissioned a special Norfolk Valentine’s Day poem from esteemed Poet Laureate Lorraine Fisher, 34.

And now we have the sweet, romantic masterpiece back and are publishing it today for romantics everywhere.

I’m from Norfolk,
And I’m feeling randy.
Fancy a shag?
Love your Uncle Andy.

Literary critic Steve Walshe said the poem was an exquisite piece of work.

He said: “Thank you to the Suffolk Gazette for bringing this new masterpiece to the British public.

“I think everyone will relate to its beautiful content – especially people in Norfolk.”

Ms Fisher, who was only appointed Poet Laureate by the Queen last week, said: “I consider this my greatest piece of work.”

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How will this year’s Cheltenham Festival compare with normal times?

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Cheltenham racecourse

It’s fair to say that the 2021 Cheltenham Festival will be far from normal. There will be a distinct hollowness to proceedings in terms of atmosphere, with the familiar ‘Cheltenham Roar’ a mere memory to be conjured as we watch the action unfold on our TV screens at home.

There will be no clamour for tickets and a chance to see horse racing’s biggest stars in action, but rather the only available seat will be your sofa or favourite armchair. 

It’s strange to think that it’s been almost a year since the last Cheltenham Festival, which was ostensibly the last major spectator sporting event to be held in the UK. Yes, the coronavirus pandemic has taken its toll on the sporting world, and although for a brief period in the autumn fans were allowed back into sports stadiums, the spread of new more infectious variants of the virus have ensured that we are confined to our living rooms as far as watching live sport is concerned. 

The Cheltenham Festival is one of the country’s greatest spectator events — one of those sporting occasions where the occasion itself transcends the sporting action that actually plays out. For those who see Cheltenham as a great day out and a chance to socialise and discuss the Cheltenham races odds, they will cope with the fact that this year’s Festival looks set to be held behind closed doors. But it is the sport’s hardcore fanbase that will suffer most from not being able to attend the Prestbury Park meeting.

All is not lost, of course. While the Festival will be robbed of its spectator presence and vibrant atmosphere for this year, there is still a sense in which we must be thankful that it is taking place at all. Governing bodies, not just in horse racing but across all elite sport, have worked wonders to implement protocols to ensure that events can be run safely for those taking part. When you think about it, it’s a real blessing that we will be able to tune in for four days of world class racing action.

There is plenty to play for, and you can bet that none of the owners, trainers or jockeys involved will be treating the upcoming Cheltenham Festival as a diminished event. The prizes on offer are among the most prestigious the horse racing calendar can boast, and all efforts will be geared towards success at Cheltenham, whether it’s the Champion Hurdle, Queen Mother Champion Chase, or the coveted Gold Cup. If the Cheltenham tips are anything to go by, we’re in for a cracking four days.

Many point to last year’s Cheltenham Festival as a mistake, in terms of the fact that mass gathering should, in hindsight, have been stopped well before the meeting took place. But there is still a strong yearning among sports fans to return to those kinds of scenes. 

Hopefully, things will be completely different in 12 months’ time, and we’ll be back to the kind of packed-house Cheltenham we all know and love. For now, the stands may be empty, and the echoes of voices shouting and hooves thundering over soft turf will ring out around a sports venue that will never have looked larger or more cavernous.

But although the surroundings will be different this year, the heart-stopping action that defines this historic sporting occasion will not be dimmed.

The year is 2040 and Marcus Evans FINALLY sacks Paul Lambert

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Paul Lambert finally sacked
Paul Lambert, 70, is given his marching orders

Ipswich Town owner Marcus Evans has waited until the end of the 2039/40 season to finally sack manager Paul Lambert.

With the once formidable club now languishing in the bottom half of the Eastern Counties League, Lambert, 70, has been given the boot.

Evans hopes that the remaining 36 season ticket holders will renew in time for next season with the promise of a new manager at the helm.

The former owner of the Marcus Evans Group, which ceased trading back in 2025, has come up with a cunning five-year-plan to get Ipswich back into the main football league.

He maintains there are green shoots for all to see – and that he intends to turn frustrations to celebrations.

But most of all, he is looking for a buyer to take the club, knocked out of the FA Cup in the 1st qualifying round just weeks ago, off his hands.

With debts of £450 million, the club, which used to play at Portman Road but now borrows a pitch from Chantry High School, will not be attractive to investors.

In a statement today, the club said: “We would like to thank Paul Lambert for his 23 years service with the club, and wish him well in the future.”

Fans said the manager should have been sacked 19 years ago when Ipswich were in midtable of League One, with plenty of time for a new manager to come in and salvage a promotion push.

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Jackie Weaver to front Downing Street COVID briefings

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Jackie Weaver will bring some long-awaited clarity to the Government’s COVID briefings, it has emerged.

The unlikely internet star, who caused a sensation in the video of Handforth Parish Council’s Zoom meeting, will give honest, straightforward statements from Downing Street.

Borish Johnson signed up Jackie after being impressed with her ability to keep things under control.

But Health Minister Matt Hancock is furious, shouting to anyone who will listen (that’s nobody) that Jackie Weaver “has no authority here”.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, a Downing Street advisor, said Ms Weaver would “take no prisoners” and be a breath of fresh air.

“Her calm, reassuring demeanour will mean our key COVID messages at Downing Street press conferences will be understood by all.

“She won’t take any crap from Hancock, Gove or any other jumped-up politician.”

Ms Weaver will begin the COVID briefings, flanked by health officials, on Friday.

Her amazing performance in the Handforth Parish Council meeting was reported recently by the Suffolk Gazette.

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Best games featuring Anubis: Egyptian God of Mummification and the Afterlife

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Anubis, the Ancient Egyptian god depicted as a man with a jackal-like head, has remained as one of the most famous deities of Egypt throughout the ages. He is the god of mummification and the afterlife. One of his key roles was to weigh the hearts of souls to decide whether they were allowed to enter the realm of the dead.

Today, thousands of years after his supposed existence, Anubis features in many books, movies, and video games of popular culture. Here are the best games in which Anubis appears.

Anubis II

Despite the name, Anubis II is not a sequel. The 2005 action video game from UK game developer Data Design Interactive is set in Ancient Egypt. It is available for PlayStation 2, Wii, and Microsoft Windows.

You get to control Anubis in his quest to lift the curse of the pharaohs. When using the Wii remote, Anubis can perform some fantastic moves, such as swinging his Sceptre of Ra and throwing canopic bombs. If you are a fan of Egypt-themed video games, Anubis II is a fun one to play.

Book of Dead

Anubis does not only feature in video games. He can also be found in the fantastic slot game called Book of Dead, named after the Ancient Egyptian funerary text that was placed in the coffins or burial chambers of the deceased.

The Book of Dead slot game is the third title in the Rich Wilde series. The adventurer previously appeared in the Aztec Idols and Pearls of India games. In this slot, Rich Wilde heads to the Giza pyramids of Egypt, where Anubis has opened the gates to the underworld.

Spelunky 2

Spelunky 2 received much critical acclaim upon its release in 2020. The platform game involves controlling Ana, the daughter of the explorer featured in the first Spelunky game. As Ana, you must navigate deadly caves and battle hostile monsters and traps in order to collect treasures.

Along the way, you will come across The Temple of Anubis. Inside, you will find Anubis himself sitting dormant on his throne. When you get close to him, the deity awakes, and you must fight Anubis to take his sceptre.

Scribblenauts Unlimited

The fourth title in the Scribblenauts series is a puzzle sandbox game in which you control the protagonist Maxwell as he travels through an open world environment to collect Starites. Scribblenauts Unlimited is more adventure-based than the previous titles in the series.

You get to traverse through different themed areas and accept various challenges along the way. One of the many foes you will come across is Anubis. Other than the game’s pharaohs and mummies, Anubis is hostile to all other creatures. You can either face him head-on or run away if you do not feel like you are up to the challenge of taking on a god. Scribblenauts Unlimited was released in 2012. In 2013, the game won the Pocket Gamer Awards’ Best Casual/Puzzle Game category.

Persona 5

The sixth instalment in the Persona series of games, which are part of the wider Megami Tensei franchise, was released in 2016. Persona 5 soon became cited as one of the greatest role-playing video games of all time. It takes place in modern-day Tokyo and follows a student called Joker. He and other students gain special powers and they form a group of secret vigilantes called the Phantom Thieves of Hearts.

The group then explores the supernatural realm known as the Metaverse to steal malevolent intent from adults’ hearts. Along the way, they encounter Anubis. If you manage to execute Anubis by electric chair in the Velvet Room, you obtain a Makouha skill card, which will come in very handy on the rest of your journey.