Wednesday, November 5, 2025
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Old man waiting for the pub to reopen

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As Britain waits for the pubs to open again, one old man has taken to sitting patiently at the bar.

Mr Bernie Sanders, 79, has been waiting to get served in the Greyhound pub in Ipswich since it closed at Christmas owing to lockdown restrictions.

Bernie Sanders in the pub
Bernie Sanders in the Greyhound

The pensioner is a big fan of the pub, which just happens to be the official corporate headquarters of the Suffolk Gazette.

Bernie, of Vermont Close in Ipswich, is prepared to stick with his vigil for as long as it takes.

Wearing a smart brown-but-oversized parka jacket and some pretty, hand-knitted mittens, he said: “I just want a pint, for Christ’s sake.”

Pub landlord Dan Lightfoot explained: “Normally we have lightning-quick service but Mr Sanders might have to wait a month or two longer for his beer.”

Pub regular Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Bernie is a sweet old man. A bit eccentric, perhaps – he seems to think he should be President of the United States.

“But he has great stories to tell about the old days when Ipswich Town used to win football matches.”

Bernie misses his poker games with his mates but is hoping the WSOP schedule for Las Vegas is released soon, as he plans to play in the seniors event.

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Australia wants to be ruled by Britain again

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EXCLUSIVE
By Bruce Patterson, Diplomatic Correspondent

Australians have finally admitted that they would prefer to live under British rule, a major study has found.

They acknowledged that they wished Captain James Cook’s “discovery” of the country’s Eastern coast in 1770, which put a spanner in the works of the Dutch imperialistic plans, had led to long-term British colonial control.

The study by Professor Steven Gruber, who is on secondment at the University of Sydney from Suffolk in the UK, was commissioned by Australian officials following reports of a growing affection towards Britain and her people.

“The Aussies come across as brash and uncouth,” Professor Gruber told the Suffolk Gazette in an exclusive Skype call during Australia Day 2021.

“But really this is covering up for the fact they are softies at heart who long for the values and protection afforded by Great Britain.”

His university team sent out a detailed questionnaire to nearly 300,000 households across Australia to get a proper insight into the country’s beliefs, and only now have the results have been evaluated.

“I can confirm that, in fact, it is only the noisy minority who want Australia to remain independent. The rest of the country drink too much and swear a lot to try to fit in, but they find it all unbearable. They want instead to be able to speak proper English and drink tea, not weak lager.

“We also found most people here hate Australian rules football, preferring the proper game which was invented in England. Controversially, most secretly admire the English cricket team as well.”

 

sydneyVision: Sydney could soon become a British town

 

It is thought Australian premier Scott Morrison will call for further consultation following the study’s official release next Monday.

But British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has already been informed of the results and has spoken to his military advisors to explore the possibility of sending a naval armada to “visit” Australia this summer.

Downing Street insider Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Mr Johnson thinks embracing Australia as part of a rejuvenated British Empire will play very well at home. Those noisy Aussies have had it their way for far too long – and now we have proof that the silent minority wants a change.

“The Prime Minister wants to welcome Australia back into the sheltering arms of the UK – so long as they keep their spiders and snakes down there.”

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Chelsea to name Paul Lambert as new manager

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Roman Abramovich is in talks with Ipswich Town about taking Paul Lambert to be his new manager at Chelsea.

Chelsea are impressed with the Ipswich boss’ record since taking over at Portman Road and see him as an ideal replacement for Frank Lampard.

Lampard was sacked today with the London club in ninth position in the Premier League, after finishing fourth last season.

Meanwhile, Lambert has guided Ipswich to League One survival yet again, with the once giant of European football sitting in ninth place in English football’s third tier.

The Scot failed to keep Ipswich in the Championship when he joined in 2018. Despite being favourites for an instant return, the Suffolk club ended last season in a dismal 11th place.

With this season being equally uninspiring, the fans are calling for Lambert’s head. Even the sleepy local paper (not the loyal Suffolk Gazette, course) has now called on Ipswich owner Marcus Evans to sack him.

However, it now seems clear Evans has kept hold of Lambert this long so that he can claim compensation from Chelsea.

Chelsea insider Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Lampard had to go, and when we found out Paul Lambert was under pressure at Ipswich, the decision was easy.

“He told us in secret calls that he’s played at big clubs, and it’s nae normal that Ipswich are unhappy with him.”

Despite success at Norwich, Lambert has been unlucky not to do well at other clubs, including Wolves, Aston Villa, Stoke and Blackburn.

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Haggis herd colonises Suffolk, ravages crops

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The traditional ginger and black Scottish haggis is on the loose in Suffolk

 

Exclusive
By Ivor Traktor, Farming Correspondent (intern)

A herd of haggis has colonised an area of north Suffolk after being accidentally released into the countryside.

The small furry rodents are normally kept in battery farming conditions in Scotland, bred for the dinner plates of Scotsmen celebrating Burns night every January 25.

But five of the animals escaped from their pen during a rare breeds show at Fressingfield village hall last Autumn, scurrying off into the fields before they could be caught. With each female haggis capable of giving birth to 200 cubs each year, experts fear the herd now totals over 600 animals.

Escaped Haggis

The haggis are not a danger to humans, although they could give a nasty nip if cornered, but farmers are fearful for their crops if the population is not brought under control.

Haggis’ favourite food is carrot and turnip – and the Suffolk Gazette agriculture bureau has already had calls from two farmers affected.

Jack Jarvis, 42, who farms just outside Stradbroke, told us he lost an entire field of carrots to the hungry haggis.

“At first I thought I must have had a load of rabbits, but when we sent off some droppings to the labs at the National Farmers’ Union, they confirmed we had a haggis problem.”

The NFU is now calling for urgent action to trap the haggis and return them to Scotland before entire areas of Suffolk become infested and vegetable crops are wiped out.

Haggis are no larger than a rabbit, and their long bushy hair gives them the appearance of a guinea pig. They have sharp claws which they use to dig out carrots or turnips from the fields, leaving tell-tale holes in the earth behind them.They are not normally spotted by humans as they prefer to operate at night, but their loud squeaking call can now often be heard around the north Suffolk area.

Lorraine McFisher, 34, a spokesman for Scottish haggis production farm Hootsman, said: “We can confirm we lost five of our stock at a show in Suffolk. We did not expect them to survive in the wild, but it appears they have thrived in the local countryside and there is now something of a problem.

“We will assist in any way we can, and will be sending a consignment of turnip traps, which are the best way to catch them. Meanwhile, if any locals managed to grab one, we will be happy to pass on one of our fine recipes, free of charge.”

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World’s smallest Travelodge comes to Suffolk

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small travelodge

The world’s smallest Travelodge is being built in Suffolk, it has been confirmed.

With just six bedrooms, the tiny hotel will provide basic overnight accommodation for visitors just outside Bury St Edmunds.

The ground floor will contain the reception area and a desk for a toaster and coffee machine, while the six bedrooms will be squeezed into three tiny floors above.

An insider at the popular bargain hotel chain said: “We like to keep costs as low as possible for our guests.

“In the case of our new Bury St Edmunds hotel in Suffolk, we decided to keep things as minimalist as possible.

“There will be no fancy extras, and we are testing a whole new hotel accommodation model by building the site with just six bedrooms, each with a tiny shower and loo.

“If we cannot achieve something approaching 100 percent occupancy rates here then we may as well pack it all in and go home.”

However, some holidaymakers in Suffolk are questioning how good the new Travelodge will be.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, who stays regularly in Bury St Edmunds hotels, said: “I have heard of boutique hotels, but this new offering seems to be taking small to the extreme.

“They say it will be the world’s smallest Travelodge, but it could actually be the world’s smallest hotel, full stop!”

Bury St Edmunds is also home to Britain’s smallest pub, The Nutshell – while nearby Newmarket, home to flat racing, has some of the world’s smallest people.

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Everything you should know about no wagering casinos

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Every casino player must have heard about the wagering requirement of casino bonuses.

The wagering requirement of any casino differs completely from others, which makes it interesting. Casinos offer a wagering bonus that has to often do with accomplishing a certain goal. For example, an online casino might impose a wagering requirement of spinning the roulette with the bonus account before the withdrawal.

However, when it comes to casinos that offer gamblers no wagering requirements, you don’t have to worry about reaching any goal. Although, few online casinos that don’t offer wagering requirements tend to always attach a wagering requirement at the initial welcome deposit bonus. The initial welcome bonus of most casino games can either be accepted or declined based on the user’s preference.

No wagering casinos are not widespread in the online casino industry. Only a few casino sites like Nye Casino in Norway offer no wagering terms for gamblers. Most online casinos offer no wagering bonus requirement to attract players, but the Nye Casino does have a reputation for providing amazing bonuses for Norwegian gamblers.

No wagering casino bonus marketing strategy

New casinos are always implementing different marketing strategies to attract players to their platform. In most cases, casinos offer users no wagering bonus at the start of their business as a brand marketing strategy. When evaluating this marketing strategy, both gamblers and the online casino benefits equally.

Who wouldn’t want to enjoy free money given by online casinos? The no wagering casino bonus market strategy gives players exactly what they are looking for. Casino bonuses with wagering requirements tend to put a lot of pressure on gamblers to make hasty decisions. 

A new casino might offer a welcome of $10 to any gambler who registers on their platform. With this offer, any gambler that registers and gets $10 will be forced to invite friends and family to enjoy the same offer, thereby popularizing the brand’s services.

The future marketing strategy: no wagering casino bonus

The no wagering casino bonus has been beneficial to online casinos in increasing their annual revenue. According to our expert writer Chris Haagensen, the future of online casinos based on marketing strategy might depend on the no wagering casino bonus.

Many other marketing strategies used by online casino firms have come and gone. But the no wagering bonus marketing strategy is quite different because who would want to ignore free money without any terms or conditions attached to it?

Conclusion

There are a lot of benefits associated with an ongoing no wagering bonus that casinos give gamblers. The no wagering bonus of casinos can be among the best marketing strategies in the future.

PC retires after making no arrests in 32 years

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policeman no arrests

EXCLUSIVE
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

A Suffolk policeman has retired without having made a single arrest in 32 years of service.

PC John Studley was a familiar figure on the streets of Lavenham, a sleepy medieval town with a near-zero crime rate.

The most trouble he ever faced was when an elderly resident had too much to drink and shouted a rude word at a pub landlord.

“I had a quiet chat with him,” said PC Studley, “and he soon went home quietly so no further action was necessary.

“That was 18 years ago and the closest I ever came to having to arrest anyone.”

Speaking after his retirement party, the friendly bobby said nothing much went on in Lavenham, and his presence there was more for reassurance than necessity.

“Some parts of Suffolk do have crime problems, but Lavenham is very quiet.

“They only recently got internet here, so modern crime is a long way off.”

He said that despite the lack of “action”, he had still enjoyed pounding the streets, helping elderly ladies across the road, and directing traffic.

Because of the lack of crime, Lavenham is not one of the town’s taking delivery of a 1970s Ford Cortina patrol car as part of the Suffolk Police Operation Sweeney initiative.

It is also believed that Suffolk Police will not be replacing PC Studley following his retirement.

Local resident Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “He must have been bored stiff.

“But I did once see him chasing a paper bag down the street.”

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Unusual birthday gifts for those hard-to-buy-for friends and loved ones

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We all have that person in our lives who is impossible to shop for, that friend or relative whose birthday is an annual exercise in coming up with strange and unusual gifts that they don’t already have and will genuinely enjoy. It’s not as if they’re mean about it (otherwise we wouldn’t try so damn hard), it’s just that there are some people for whom a DVD box-set or a bath bomb is clearly not that exciting.

This year, maybe more than any other year is a time when we really need to step up our birthday present ideas game. Hopefully, we will be reunited with our distant friends and loved ones soon enough and we will all be able to go on adventures together and make new memories, but in the meantime, the perfect gift is a great way to remind someone how much they mean to you and to show them that you do know what they enjoy, no matter what those past gift failures may suggest!

Get them ready for their dream holiday with a language course

We all had our list of places we wanted to go on holiday in 2020, and we all had to take a deep breath and put that list in a drawer while we waited for travel to be safe again. Well, we’re still waiting, but it is time for us to start thinking about where our dream vacation destinations are, and what we’re going to do while we’re there. Now, sadly we are not all in the kind of financial situation where we can simply gift someone a plane ticket to the other side of the world, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t help that special someone on their way to having the best holiday abroad of their lives.

So, if that person who is always so difficult to buy for has spent the pandemic talking about where they’re going to go when it’s all over, why not gift them a language course for that country? Get them off the free apps and onto an intensive training programme that will help them to truly immerse themselves in the culture on their arrival.

Get their imagination in gear with a puzzle gift

Let’s face it, there is only so much imagination you can show when you’re buying someone the complete box-set of the TV series they love or a copy of that book that was at the top of all the best of year lists last year. If you are buying a gift for someone who loves gripping storytelling, then you should head online to learn about puzzles for adults. No, we’re not talking about giant jigsaws (although there’s certainly nothing wrong with enjoying a giant jigsaw), we’re talking about an intricately crafted mystery that can be a brilliant personalised gift for him or her.

If you have tried to watch a crime show with this person while they have predicted every twist and turn (rightly or wrongly), Mysterious Mail has a brilliant three-part mail order mystery box that throws them into the middle of a strange and unsettling crime puzzle. Each installment draws the recipient deeper into the drama, and what’s more, you can choose when you reveal that you were the one who sent it. Head to mysteriousmail.com to find out more about their mysteries for adults and children.

Get them outside by bringing new life to their green space

If your friend is lucky enough to have their own garden, then the chances are that they spent every second of the summer out in it, and have spent every second since pining for it. With spring just around the corner, a gift that spruces up that green space is a brilliant idea.

Think about what plants could spark off a new splash of colour in an otherwise drab space. If they fancy themselves a bit of a wizard in the kitchen, why not treat them to some fruit or vegetable plants to get them ahead of the game for those “I made this with tomatoes I grew myself” Instagram posts? Or, if they have been missing getting into the great wild outdoors to be at one with nature, you can treat them to a birdbath or feeder to help them attract some new company in their garden this year. If you’re really feeling like spoiling them, you could even think about helping them to convert their shed into a little outdoor hideaway. We have all grown to appreciate just how important the garden is this year, and helping them bring new life to theirs will make your first visit to their home since lockdown all the sweeter.

Bring the restaurant to them with a luxury gourmet dinner

We have all hit the takeaways pretty hard over the last twelve months and there is certainly no shame in ordering some fish and chips in for your birthday. However, if you know that your special someone has been missing those nights on the town during lockdown, then it’s time to look beyond the usual delivery apps. Many of the UK’s finest restaurants have created beautiful, luxurious bespoke takeaway meal options that allow you to enjoy the kind of fine dining that you spring for on those really special occasions. It may be some time yet before we can all gather around a table in a bar or restaurant to enjoy some amazing food and a bottle of wine from the bottom of the list, but in the meantime, check and see if your favourite local eatery is able to deliver.

And speaking of wine, you can help to support your local wine merchant by ordering a selection from their online store instead of springing for a couple of bottles of spur of the moment prosecco on your way to the checkout at your nearest supermarket. Of course, you will need to check whether the government guidelines allow for click and collect or if you are going to need to wait for delivery, but there is nothing like receiving a bottle of your favourite bubbly from a loved one. And yes, you should get one for yourself too so you can share a glass over Zoom!