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Everyone thinks they are a chess expert all of a sudden

The Editor
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Everyone thinks they are a chess expert all of a sudden
chess expert

Labourer Steve Walshe has surprised his family and friends by declaring he is something of a chess expert, it has emerged.

Steve, 43, fresh from watching The Queen’s Gambit on Netflix, confirmed he has always been handy at the strategic board game.

“Oh, I love chess,” said Steve, even though he hasn’t touched a chess piece for 31 years.

“I used to beat everyone; I was so good. I could finish anyone off in fewer than five moves.”

But when pressed by his disbelieving 11-year-old son, Steve was unable to name any pieces aside from the king and queen.

“Well, there are also the prawns, of course. You get loads of them at the start.

“I learned all there is to know by studying Grandmaster Flash. He was very good.”

British Chess Federation spokeswoman Lorraine Fisher, 34, said many people now claimed to know lots about chess.

“The Queen’s Gambit has started something of a new craze.

“It’s a bit like when the Six Nations is on TV – everyone suddenly thinks they are rugby experts.

“People like Steve wouldn’t know a castle from a bishop, but at least people are talking about chess again.”

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Matt Hancock to announce new tiers to clear up confusion

The Editor
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Matt Hancock to announce new tiers to clear up confusion

By Phil Ward, Health Correspondent

The Government is unveiling new tiers to clear up any lingering lockdown confusion.

Health secretary Matt Hancock will confirm some tier restructuring so nobody can be left in any doubt about what they mean.

The Suffolk Gazette has been shown some of the measures to be announced at a press conference later, including:

  • Manchester, Birmingham and Bristol will be relocated to Wales and will, therefore, now be in tier 6.9
  • Newcastle will move to Scotland under Nicola Sturgeon’s control
  • Stevenage slides into Oxfordshire and so takes on that county’s 73/4 tier
  • London migrates to Milton Keynes, so is a basic tier 5 and a bit
  • Suffolk is now a city in tier 8(a)
Matt Hancock
Tiers of a clown: Matt Hancock (Photo Richard Townshend under CC)

Downing Street spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “There seems to have been a little confusion about the tier system and lockdown rules.

“We have worked on measures to simplify matters, and these will make things much easier for people to understand.

“There is now no excuse for anyone to claim they have no idea what is going on.”

Conspiracy theorists believe Mr Hancock deliberately leaked details to the Suffolk Gazette because he follows us on Twitter.

This is actually true, a rarity for our editorial team – see below image.

Matt Hancock on Twitter
Matt Hancock gets his news from the Suffolk Gazette

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Man who eats kebabs won’t take COVID vaccine without knowing what’s in it

The Editor
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Man who eats kebabs won’t take COVID vaccine without knowing what’s in it

Suffolk fast food fan Steve Walshe says there is no way he will take the COVID vaccine because he doesn’t know what’s in it.

Portly Steve, who tucks into two takeaway kebabs a week, and enjoys chicken nuggets and turkey twizzlers, worries the mysterious vaccine ingredients could be harmful.

Plasterer Steve, 43, explained: “Why on earth would anybody want to ingest something into their body that they know nothing about?

“We don’t know what’s in the vaccine, or what effect it might have.”

Steve was speaking between mouthfuls of doner kebab from his local takeaway in Ipswich, seemingly unaware he could be chewing on processed sheep arseholes and lips.

“It’s all a conspiracy,” he explained, picking a piece of gristle from his teeth. “I like to know what goes into my body.”

But Steve’s long-suffering partner, Lorraine Fisher, 34, can’t wait for the vaccine.

“Steve is an idiot,” she said. “If COVID doesn’t get him, a heart attack will.”

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Man with access to nuclear codes deemed too dangerous for Twitter

The Editor
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Man with access to nuclear codes deemed too dangerous for Twitter
Donald Trump

Twitter has banned a dangerous man from its platform but he can still press the red nuclear button and blow the world to pieces.

The social media giant permanently suspended Donald Trump after deeming his actions were improper ahead of the Capitol riot.

But despite that, plus political opponents moving to impeach him, it has emerged the President still has access to nuclear codes and can begin World War Three.

Political advisor Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “There are still 11 days left with a man in the White House who has the power to send nuclear missiles raining down on random countries around the world.

“But at least he won’t be able to send any dangerous Tweets when he does it.”

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When is Mother’s Day 2021?

The Editor
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When is Mother’s Day 2021?

As if we are not anxious enough already, Mother’s Day is looming but we have no idea when it is. Surely we can’t make the mistake of remembering when it’s too late and having to buy flowers from the garage?

Happily, your ever-reliable Suffolk Gazette is here to help, and can confirm when Mother’s Day 2021 is – and it’s on Sunday, March 14.

Mother’s Day 2021

That’s Sunday, March 14.

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Mother’s Day gifts

Donald Trump claims protestor is a Joe Bison supporter

The Editor
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Donald Trump claims protestor is a Joe Bison supporter

President Donald Trump insists the horned protestor who stormed the US Capitol is a Joe Bison supporter.

In a Tweet, since deleted by Twitter, the embattled President said: “Sleepy Joe Bison sent a mob to the Capitol. Here is the proof. I won by a lot.”

Mr Trump seemed a little confused about who is to blame for the scandalous assault on US democracy.

Whitehouse aid Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “We have pointed out to Mr Trump that the next President is called Biden, not Bison, so this protestor is clearly not a Democrat.

“He went a deeper shade of orange but still insists it was a fraudulent riot.”

The bison man, dubbed the Jamiroquai of the Make America Great Again agitators, was pictured in the Capitol, with the images seen in disbelief around the world.

Even Iraq has sent troops to the US to keep the peace.

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Iraqi troops sent to America to keep the peace

The Editor
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Iraqi troops sent to America to keep the peace
Iraq troops Donald Trump
Iraqi troops sent to America to keep the peace

Iraq has sent thousands of troops to America to keep the peace and prevent turmoil in the region.

As dangerous, fanatical factions threaten war in the US, Iraq acts as the leader of the free world, protecting innocent people from tyranny.

Major Kasim Hassan, of the 4th Brigade of the 6th Iraqi Army Division, flew into an airbase near Washington yesterday.

Some 5,000 Iraqi troops now guard strategic positions around the city to prevent a repeat of yesterday’s storm of the US Capitol.

“Iraq will not stand by and see dictatorships threaten stability in the free world.

“We act as leaders of the free world, and will enforce the peace by whatever means possible.”

British Ministry of Defence spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said the UK had been concerned about about potential weapons of mass destruction in the US for some time.

“There is an orange-faced, weird-haired baboon threatening to explode at any time.

“We are pleased Iraq is there to protect the free world.”

Meanwhile, Donald Trump has confused the man in fancy dress of being a Joe Bison supporter.

New inspirational podcast even more pointless than the last

The Editor
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New inspirational podcast even more pointless than the last

A new inspirational podcast is full of more bollocks than the last, and a complete waste of your time.

Self-proclaimed industry experts are so successful yet they somehow have time to broadcast inspiring podcasts to everyone else.

One even had a listener last week, but only for 15 seconds.

Influencer Lorraine Fisher, 34, has begun her new podcast, called Be Nice, Be Kind, What Will You Be Today? which she plans to broadcast to her huge social and business network.

“I am sure everybody will be fascinated with what I have to say. I will have some very special guests.

“They will mostly people who have podcasts of their own. It’s like we will be in our own podcast vacuum talking shite to ourselves for hours on end.”

Ms Fisher, who has 27 followers on Instagram, says she has lots of inspirational quotes to share with anyone who might be interested.

She said she was influenced by this fine podcaster…

Meanwhile, the editor of the Suffolk Gazette has considered a podcast. “Unfortunately, our material is too serious and not suitable for podcasting,” he said. “Besides which, we can’t afford the equipment.”

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