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Seagull 73 reminds National Trust who’s boss

The Editor
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Seagull 73 reminds National Trust who’s boss
Seagull 73 showing off his powers on National Trust Sign board

The most notorious Seagull 73 in East Anglia’s proud coastal history, gave a clear message to the National Trust.

Subscribers to the SUFFOLK GAZETTE will have previously read about legendary seagull 73.

Through the years, thousands of inhabitants and visitors to the run-down, seaside resort without decent shops, a cinema, or any other appealing nighttime entertainment, will have unwittingly been observed through the keen eyes of ‘73’, as he patrolled its skies and perched majestically atop its telegraph poles and weathered rooftops.

Gull be back

For he is the King of The Wash. He goes where he wants to go, and where few others – Seagull or human – dare. Basically, Seagull 73 doesn’t give a f*ck. Think of Sly Stallone’s Johnny Rambo in a bad mood mixed with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator on a bad day. If ‘73’ has a conscience, you wouldn’t know it – as his salt-encrusted wing brutally whiplashes your face, taking some of your nose-skin with it, as he relieves you of that £3.50 jumbo hot dog you were about to enjoy.

Some Lowestoft holidaymakers swear blind that they have heard an insouciant ‘73’ squawk ‘F*ck off’ to them in Pidgin/Gull English as they passed beneath his perch of the day.

Own gull

So you can imagine the condition in which ‘73’ left a sign, newly-erected by the National Trust,  declaring that ‘landing should not, under any circumstances, take place in the vicinity.’

Less shit adorns Admiral Nelson’s lofty sandstone bicorne. 

Suffolk Police search for haystack in a haystack

The Editor
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Suffolk Police search for haystack in a haystack
Suffolk Police search for haystack in a haystack
Suffolk Police search for haystack in a haystack

Hapless Suffolk Police have launched a UK-wide investigation in an attempt to find a man… wait for it… with his own name tattooed on his forehead!

Some have likened it to searching for a haystack in a haystack.

Police Search

Keith Bond, ‘Bondy’ to his mates (that’s original) clearly thought that imprinting his own identity on his face was a smart thing to do before embarking on a life of crime – in which positive identification is the key to failure. Way to go Bondy! Perhaps he should have had ‘twat’ tattooed on his face instead?

The petty criminal is wanted in connection with having terrible taste in casual sportswear, shocking acne, and generally being a thoroughly unlikeable moronic thug.

The name’s Bond… Keith Bond

So far, the investigation, which has been ongoing for three months, has come up with few leads on the self-identifying man’s whereabouts. This does not reflect well on Suffolk Police of course, and officers are facing ridicule across social media. We spoke to Detective Sergeant Peter Graves who is leading the investigation to find out more. “Allo, allo, allo. Well then.

It his correct that we have been hinvestigatin’ this ‘ere craime for happroximately three months. Ahem. In that time we have had several sightings and have halmost happrehended the habsconder, Mr Bond. For hexample… just last week, we happrended one Mrs Bond, who turned out not to be the mother of the habsconder as we had believed, but rather, the famous BBC Royal correspondent, Jenny Bond from the telly. Ahem.

Also, we have a new lead which we hope will soon lead to an harrest. We have located a gentleman who hintelligence tells us goes by the pseudonym 007, and has been spotted in the London area wearing a white dinner jacket and carrying a Walther PPK handgun. We hadvise the public to approach this man with hextreme caution.”

If you do have any information concerning the whereabouts of the correct Mr Bond, or if you are ‘Bondy’ and are tired of waiting to be captured, please call crimestoppers on 0800 555 111

The RAF – Probably the best Airforce in the world

The Editor
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The RAF – Probably the best Airforce in the world
The RAF - Probably the best Airforce in the world
Photo Credit: Rob Yates

The Ministry of Defence announced today that a landmark deal has been struck between the RAF and the famous Carlsberg brewing company.

The five-year £200 million sponsorship deal will reinforce the idea that, like Carlsberg’s lager, the RAF is indeed, ‘probably’ the best in the world.

It is believed that the controversial agreement is the first ever between a  private company and a sovereign nation’s military, and some commentators are questioning the propriety of the arrangement…

Silly old Fokker

Former fighter pilot, Roger ‘Roger’ Wilko, who flew fighters out of RAF Tuddenham, West

Suffolk during WWII told this reporter “Hang on! OK, don’t want to get in a flap but it’s FUBAR isn’t it! This’ll have come from top brass. I mean the bloody Danes? Didn’t even have an air force in ’40. WHAT? Apart from the Fokkers, all their crates were bloody biplanes, and most of those bought it on the ground. Prang wagons everywhere! Well, that’s what I told Popsie, anyway.”

RAF Joint Venture

While others seem quite happy with the boozy pairing. British journalist and broadcaster, Jeremy Paxman, who likes a drop himself, said of the deal “The RAF and Carlsberg? Come on… just get on with it will you!”

Skol!

The record-breaking deal will pay for four additional RAF Typhoons which will be stationed at RAF Mildenhall in Suffolk, where the Carlsberg lager at Jake’s Free House will be flowing like water gushing through the Ruhr valley.

‘Pot’ Nigel Farage calls ‘Kettle’ Harry ‘Black’

The Editor
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‘Pot’ Nigel Farage calls ‘Kettle’ Harry ‘Black’
‘Pot’ Farage calls ‘Kettle’ Harry ‘Black’
Farage calls Harry ‘a low grade, money grubbing disgrace’

Former scrap metal trader and EU-baiter, Nigel Farage has been accused of ‘calling the kettle black’.by assigning to royal turncoat, Prince Harry, many of his own less-appealing personality traits.

In a Twitter post ridiculing the sub-standard, unintelligent, materialistic, shameless spare Windsor as ‘a low-grade, dim, money-grubbing disgrace’. Nigel Farage appears to have attracted accusations of hypocrisy and a lack of self-awareness. Surely not?

The attack on Prince Harry, by the former leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party.– who is no stranger to controversy – incensed Twitter users who retaliated with accusations against Nigel Farage.ranging from expenses fiddling as an MEP, to avoiding UK tax by setting-up offshore funds, and generally having too many financial business interests to accuse others of ‘money-grubbing’.

Two black pots

Quite why it is not possible for BOTH men to be equally guilty of all such charges was not made clear by the Twitterati.

Kettle called black by Nigel Farage calls pot black

Ginger Prince Harry and traitor to the UK, Prince Harold, has himself been accused of ‘doing as he does,.and not as he says’ (?) by accusing his own family members of leaking stories about himself and his wife – Meghan, the wicked witch of the west – to the press, while embarking on a very public campaign of… wait for it… leaking stories to the press about them. No wonder King Charles III directly questioned his spare son on ‘who his real father is?’

Young farmers impressed by new electric ‘Mini Norfolk’

The Editor
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Young farmers impressed by new electric ‘Mini Norfolk’
Young farmers impressed by new electric ‘Mini Norfolk’
Mini Norfolk “The choice of young Farmers”

British car manufacturer, Mini, (owned by German car manufacturer, BMW) has unveiled the new ‘Mini Norfolk’, specifically for Young Farmers.

Retailing at £29,000. Available in five colours (Muddy Blue, Muck Brown, Straw Yellow, Swine Pink, Hedgerow Green). The impressive electric-powered Mini Norfolk is inspired by the farm machinery and country styling of the wonderful Norfolk countryside.

Key Features Include:-

  • Two massive rear wheels and two small front wheels all with Westwood / Countax tractor tyres.
  • A single large leatherette driver’s seat with a designer tear along one side exposing the foam within.
  • Large, mud-covered, wide-angle wing mirrors to observe the lengthy trail of cars building up behind you as you pootle along a narrow country lane.
  • A built-in, state-of-the-art music player pre-programmed with the Wurzels greatest hits.
  • Adjustable tow bar including combine harvester locking attachment.

Ich Bin Ein Berliner

Mini hopes that the vehicle will appeal to Young farmers, upwardly-mobile farmers, milkmaids, and stable hands.

Young Farmers Club Feedback

James Jenkins of the Norfolk chapter of the National Federation of Young Farmers’ Clubs told this reporter “Mini koindly invoited our members to test droive the Mini Norfolk at their head arfice… in Germany. When we arroived in Munich, we were treated loike king farmers.

There was Bratwurst, Sauerkraut, and Berliner donuts laid arn, arl warshed down with Holsten Pils. Arfter thart, we got behoind the wheel and we arl was skidding around their test track loike nobardy’s business.”

And how did the car fair in your opinion?

“Well as electric car/tractor hybrids go, it ain’t bad at arl. The thing oi loiked best abowt it is its deceptively spacious interior. You can easily fit a large ewe on the backseat.”

Locals up in arms at Co-op’s ‘porno’ breakfast cereals

The Editor
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Locals up in arms at Co-op’s ‘porno’ breakfast cereals
Locals up in arms at Co-op’s ‘porno’ breakfast cereals
Co-op’s ‘porno’ breakfast cereals

Suffolk residents are up in arms at the introduction of ‘pornographic’ breakfast cereals at Co-op’s Lowestoft branch.

In a bid to attract a younger, randier class of clientele, Co-op has introduced a line of ‘top shelf’ cereals that are designed to help ‘get you going’ in the morning. Cereals such as; Fruity Hoops (lol), Coco Munch (snigger), Cinnamon Mini-Buns (chortle), and Comet Balls (guffaw) have all been designated as ‘adult’ cereals and will from now on, only be sold to over 18s.

Co-op Cereals Collection

Lowestoft resident Thomas Crinch, chair of the campaign group Residents AGainst Everything (RAGE) spoke to the SUFFOLK GAZETTE about his member’s concerns (snigger). “Well, it just isn’t on is it? I didn’t fight in the war just so young people can go around chewing on Honey Cups, licking Booty O’s, and enjoying some Deep Sea Crunch before 9.00 am. It’s utterly disgusting and up with it the members of RAGE will not put. That is why we are here today, protesting at this FILTH!”

Other cereal brands that have caused offense to the mainly, older, conservative residents of Lowestoft include; Fingos (snigger), Cream of Wheat (fnarr fnarr), Blueberry Muffin Toasters (giggle), and Double Dip Crunch (double snigger).

Manager of the branch, Dafydd Cowell, defended his decision to introduce the adult breakfast range “Oh, come on! What’s the ham ennet? It’s only a bet of fun ennet?” (Cowell is Welsh.) “Look, everyone I know likes a little rumpy-pumpy en the morning donthey? It’s a luvvly way to start the day, isn’t et? So what’s the ham in having a Home Run Crunch (snigger), firs thing en the morning? No ham at all! Each to their own, I say!”

Mature Breakfast

co-op breakfast cereals
Grano love

Asked if he sympathized with the older residents’ views on morning sex, Cowell replied “Of course I do, that’s why we put in a special cereal just for the olders. It’s called Granolove. Honest!”

ASDA, Leiston: Open and closed at the same time

The Editor
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ASDA, Leiston: Open and closed at the same time
ASDA, Leiston: Open and closed at the same time
Asda leiston sign board

ASDA Supermarket in Leiston is open and closed for business at the same time.

The popular all-night (not all-night) grocery store on Valley Road, is famous for being open 24/7 (not 24/7) providing locals with a one-stop-shop for all their last-minute needs – at any hour of the day (not any hour of the day.)

Doublespeak

Whether it is a pint of milk for that munchy bowl of cornflakes at 3 am on a Saturday morning after a late one out with your mates (milk not available after 2 am on Fridays) or an emergency bog roll early on Sunday morning (toilet tissue not available before 5 am on Sundays), you can get it at ASDA – George Orwell’s favourite supermarket – any time – night or day! (except when closed between 2 – 5 am, Fri-Sun.)

Space time conundrum

Other companies have tried to offer extended opening hours of course. Who can forget 7-11? The shop that despite its hours clearly being 7 am – 11 pm (the clue is in the name) people believed was open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It wasn’t. Had it been, it would have been called 24/7. ASDA Leiston however, truly delivers on its ‘Open 24 hours, 7 days a week’ promise by actually being open ’24 hours, 4 days a week & 21 hours, 3 days a week.’

Confused? Don’t be.

It doesn’t matter that their outside signage is a little unclear or confusing about their opening times, does it? No, of course not! Why not? Because words don’t really matter do they? I mean if your supermarket is not open at all hours, just say it is! Who cares? ASDA cares. They say so on their sign…

ASDA – happy to help every day

(except between 2 – 5 am, Fridays – Sundays)

The last taboo shattered – men’s lingerie is here

The Editor
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The last taboo shattered – men’s lingerie is here
The last taboo shattered - men’s lingerie is here
The last taboo shattered – men’s lingerie is here

“In olden days, a glimpse of stocking

Was looked on as something shocking.

But now, God knows,

Anything goes.”

‘Anything Goes’ by Cole Porter

Ever since Ray Davies of the Kinks wrote in his 1970 gender-bending hit ‘Lola’, “Well, I’m not dumb, but I can’t understand why she walks like a woman and talks like a man” anything goes indeed! And today, in modern, sexy Britain, nothing is unacceptable, beyond the pale, or over the top. Girls can be boys, men can get pregnant and women with actual fannys no longer exist. You can basically be anything you say you are – by simply declaring it. At the drop of a hat, one may become; Chinese, a hermaphrodite, a mustached walrus, a hand-drawn cartoon character, or even one’s favourite root vegetable.

Please, God. No!

There is, however, one remaining taboo. Something so shocking, so bestial, so inhuman that even the British wouldn’t go there – until now. What is this unmentionable, monstrous thing so hideous that it must be concealed from all humanity?…

…Men’s lingerie.

Euuurghhhh.

Men’s lingerie. I can’t even try to imagine it. My brain simply will not process the imagery…

A hairy-backed, bearded man in a black lace bustier and sheer panties. Nope. Literally can’t picture it.

A fat builder wearing a red silky satin chemise. Uh-uh. Doesn’t exist in my mind.

A sweaty rugby player in a strapless bra and crotchless G-string. Hmmm, come to think of it…

Wink wink!

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