The tiny hamlet of Forward Green in mid-Suffolk has been thrown into turmoil over a controversial street diversion.
Residents of the quaint, albeit quite dull hamlet, have had their lives turned upside down by the idiotic council’s decision to re-route traffic directly across their eponymous green while never-ending roadworks are carried out nearby.
Forward Green, which dates back to Roman times, is most famous for being the birthplace of court jesters, foxes, and angels.
Juggling with the facts
According to the monk, Bede, widely accepted as the greatest Anglo-Saxon scholar of his day, the first ever sighting of a fox rummaging through a domestic litter bin occurred in AD 84 in the back garden of Aldith Foole, jester to the court of Gnaeus Julius Agricola, the Roman bastard governor of all Brittania.
Foole, whose specialty was juggling goats’ testicles still attached to their owners, apparently made the discovery after returning home from court early one morning, slightly worse for wear, clattering into his bin and disturbing what we would all recognize as a fox.
Upon sighting the strange, orangey beast for the first time, Foole questioned, in a loud voice, what it was he had just witnessed (this is apparently where the old English phrase ‘What the fuck is that?’ comes from.)
Bede writes that moments later, as the flummoxed court clown sat on his arse, partly covered in leftover Spaghetti Bolognese and early used wet wipes made out of pigs’ intestines, an angel appeared before him claiming to be the first ever ‘real’ angel in history.
Asked by Foole who he was (Pre-transexual Roman era angels were male), the angel replied “Do not concern yourself with who I am, but rather who you are. Just know that I am the first angel in history, that should give you a clue.”
Upon hearing this, the jittered Jester asked the angel about the orange furry thing he had just seen. “Do not concern yourself with the orange beast. Just clear up that muck, go inside, and when you have sobered up, have some cake and then work on your act.” Which is exactly what Foole did. This is apparently where the phrase ‘more fool you’ comes from.
That’ll be the day
According to the Suffolk Council website, the roadworks in Forward Green will be completed the next time a court jester, a fox, and the first angel in history are all seen together in the same place.
W.C. = Working Class