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Ipswich Royal Mail deliver letter 107 years late

The Editor
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Ipswich Royal Mail deliver letter 107 years late
Ipswich Royal Mail deliver letter 107 years late
Ipswich Royal Mail deliver letter 107 years late

In a sign that Suffolk postal services are improving, Ipswich Royal Mail has delivered a letter one hundred and seven years late.

The current occupants of 17 Hamlet Road, Ipswich were phlegmatic (W.C. ‘having an unemotional and calm disposition.’) about the letter’s arrival as they assumed the date stamp of 6 FEB 16 referred to 2016 – a date which would have made the letter only seven years late and normal by the standards of Royal Mail.

Pine’n’Mash

The faded, musty envelope that plopped through the Hamlet Road letterbox last week, was posted on 6th February 1916 by Mrs Emily Pine to her ‘friend’, Mrs Oswald Mash. In those days, correspondence was addressed to the man of the house, even if the letter’s contents were none of his goddamn business. The letter was actually intended for Milicent Mash, who was, up until a couple of days before the letter was written, a close ‘friend’ of Emily’s.

Back to the future

Jason and Kelly Newgent who today, reside at No.17, told this reporter what the letter said. “After we opened the envelope, WHICH WE KNEW WAS AGAINST THE LAW BEFORE WE DID IT, we were excited to find this pristine little folded piece of paper nuzzled inside, like a Georgian hamster napping at the back of its cage.” Said Ms Newgent, before sniffing loudly and wiping the end of her nose with her sleeve. “It was so delicate. We realised there and then that the envelope and letter were way older than seven years, and we were right.” Added Jason, as he swiped the greasy fringe of his hair away from his forehead.

Indeed they were. The letter inside was dated 5th February 1916 A.D. but was in as good a condition as the day it was posted – hundreds of years ago.

That ‘Ooooh’ thing

Dave takes up the story. “So, we looked at the date, and then at each other. Then we looked at the date again, simultaneously, and then again at each other. Then we both did that ‘Ooooh’ thing, where you pout your lips, tense your shoulders, and shake your head a little, in that overexcited, childlike way that makes people gag when they see other people do it. Then, simultaneously, our four eyes scanned down to the body of the letter. Do you know what it said?”

No. What?

C*NT

“…In big, massive letters. Well, we were shocked, weren’t we?” asked Kev of Julie.

“Yes, we were, weren’t we?” replied Julie

“Yes, we were.” said the both of them.

“I didn’t know they had words like that during WWI, did you?” asked Julie of Jason.

“No, I didn’t, did you? replied Dave”

“No, I didn’t” said Julie.

What else did the letter say?

“Well, apparently, Emily thought that Millicent was having it away with her husband, while her husband, Oswald was off fighting the war.” Explained Paula. “Her husband, Jack, denied it but he would, wouldn’t he! So basically it was a warning letter, telling Millicent to stay the f*ck away or else.”

Were you alive in 1916? Are you a long-lost relative of Millicent, or Oswald Mash, or Emily Pine? Do you have a letter that hasn’t arrived after hundreds of years? Call the SUFFOLK GAZETTE TODAY! *We pay HUNDREDS of pounds for stories like this one.

* Cheques sent 2nd class via Ipswich Royal Mail.

W.C. = Working Class

Pub offers free ale to OAP’s

The Editor
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Pub offers free ale to OAP’s
Pub offers free ale to OAP’s
Pub offers free ale to OAP’s

Boozy old-aged pensioners in Southwold, Suffolk have never had it so good thanks to a kindly landlord who has offered to provide FREE ALE to geriatric patrons of his Wickstead Arms community public house.

Fat publican, Gerrard Twattlesbrick, a former snake oil salesman and used car dealer from Barnsley, South Yorkshire, came up with the idea when he noticed how many OAPs passed his pub on a Thursday morning on their way to the post office to collect their pension money.

As we stood on the doorstep of his ‘free’ house, Twattlesbrick, ‘twat’ to his mates, told this reporter “Now, I don’t want people to think I’m a saint or anything – I’m not – but I am a community-spirited man. I’m trustworthy. Anyone around ‘ere will tell you that.”

“He’s not.” mumbled a frail old gent in a black suit riding past on a mobility scooter.

“Ignore him. He’s just a local troublemaker.” Sneered the publican.

“I’m not. I’m the vicar.” Said the old fella, pointing to his dog collar.

“Anyway, like I said, I’m not a saint, I’m not claiminng that, but I do want to do the right thing by the old folk ‘round ‘ere. Times are hard right now, but I want them to know they can trust old Gerrard to look after them, so long as they come into my pub on the way back from the post office. On pension day.”

I asked the portly purveyor of ales, wines and spirits how much free ale he had given away since his charitable gesture. “Well… free ale, did you say? Well, so far… let me think… hang on… erm? Well, I would say… in total… none.”

None?

“Well you see, its not their fault, bless ‘em, but the old folk around ‘ere they are not that bright and a lot of them are blind or deaf too. Look…” At this, Twattlesbrick pointed to the chalk sign positioned outside on the street. “It says very clearly, down there at the bottom, under the big FREE bit, they only get the ale if they come in with their grandparents! I wrote it like that because we are a community pub, and I wanted all the family to come along so that on-one gest left out, stuck at ‘ome in the cold. Our pub is nice and warm.”

I decided to go inside the pub to experience said warmth and to buy a drink. I noticed there was a special lane leading to the bar, busy with older customers, with a sign above it reading “Over 70’s queue here for FREE ALE. Please have your wallets and purses out ready. Thank you, Gerrard.”

Disabled parents turned away from Felsham baby shop

The Editor
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Disabled parents turned away from Felsham baby shop
Disabled parents turned away from Felsham baby shop
Disabled parents turned away from Felsham baby shop

Disabled people are so lazy, don’t you think? Well no, of course not, but the owners of ‘Felsham Prams and Baby’ in Suffolk clearly do, if their unwelcoming signage is anything to go by.

A sign perched on top of its clearly inaccessible accessibility lift reads “NOTICE. To use the diabled lift, (sounds like the person who wrote it was disabled) please come upstairs to the buffet & notify a member of staff so that we can turn the power on. Thank you.”

Jesus. It might as well have read “NOTICE. If you’re disabled, fuck off.”

You can just picture the owners discussing it upstairs in the office…

“So look guys, if we leave the spaz lift on all the time it will cost us a fortune in electricity. I mean how many rasperries do we get in here in a year anyway? Can they even have children? I mean come on! FFS! People who use wheelchairs still have arms don’t they? Can’t they just drag themselves up the stairs and shop crawling around on the floor? They must be used to it by now!”

“Agreed. And why do they even need a pram… they’re on wheels already… I know!”

“What?”

“Send them up to the buffet. If they make it that far, when they ask for the lift to be turned on, we can pretend we couldn’t understand what they were saying because we thought their mouths were full of food. Duh-duh-duh-duh.”

“Lol. Yes! Well done, Fred. That’ll work! Right, go and turn the electricity off… and put a sign up.”

Bastards.   

Key stats to consider when making your selection for the Cheltenham Gold Cup

The Editor
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Key stats to consider when making your selection for the Cheltenham Gold Cup
Key stats to consider when making your selection for the Cheltenham Gold Cup
Cheltenham Gold Cup

The Cheltenham Festival is fast approaching and the odds are constantly fluctuating as punters begin to dip their toes in the choppy, unpredictable waters of ante-post betting.

One race that already looks like a foregone conclusion from a betting perspective is the prestigious Gold Cup, with Galopin Des Champs as short as 13/8 — making the Willie Mullins-trained horse one of the smallest-priced favourites for the Blue Riband race this millennium.

It would be foolish to write off a race as competitive as the feature that easily, however. So, instead of thinking Galopin Des Champs is going to win because the bookies have made him the clear favourite in the Gold Cup odds, let’s look at some of the key trends and stats from the last 12 years to dig a little deeper.

Age

11 of the last 12 winners were aged between seven and nine, with six-year-old Long Run the last horse to buck that trend in 2011. Only two seven-year-olds and as many nine-year-olds have won in the last 12 years too, with eight-year-olds triumphant on seven occasions.

Scratched: Minella Indo, Coole Cody

Race form

Nine of the last 12 Gold Cup victors won on their last outing before the Festival, with the already scratched 2021 winner Minella Indo, defending champion A Plus Tard and shock 2014 outsider Lord Windermere the only exceptions.

Scratched: Stattler, A Plus Tard, Noble Yeats, Protektorat, Fury Road, Sounds Russian, Shishkin, Royale Pagaille, Envoi Allen, Eldorado Allen, Franco De Port, Galvin, Angels Breath, Ga Law

Course and distance form

Race form has scratched a lot of the early entries, so let’s see how the remaining potential runners fare on course and distance form. One of the most important stats thus far is that all of the last 12 winners have had at least one previous run at Prestbury Park. A win at Cheltenham isn’t as key, with just six of the last 12 boasting previous Festival victories.

In terms of distance, all but one of the last 12 winners have had at least two runs over three miles or further and the same number had at least one victory over that distance. To delve a little deeper, eight of the last 12 had at least two wins over three miles or further.

Scratched: Hewick (never had a run at Cheltenham)

Rating

11 of the last 12 winners were rated 164 or higher, which keeps our six remaining early entries — Gaolpin Des Champs (181), Bravemansgame (181), Ahoy Senor (174), Conflated (176), The Real Whacker (164) and Capodanno (164) — in the running.

Grade 1 wins

With the Gold Cup being the most prestigious race there is in jumps racing, it will perhaps comes as no surprise that all of the last 12 winners have won at least one Grade 1. Seven of the 12 have won two, but that’s not enough to scratch a horse on that basis.

Scratched: The Real Whacker

Season runs

Nine of the last 12 winners had at least two runs in the same season, with all but one having won at least once.

Scratched: Capodanno

Fence and hurdle form

While the Gold Cup is, of course, contested over fences, it is interesting to note that all of the last 12 winners had at least four runs over hurdles before going chasing. That sees us say goodbye to Ahoy Senior, who raced just twice over the smaller obstacles — albeit winning both.

In terms of chase form, this is where it gets interesting. 10 of the last 12 winners had at least seven previous runs over fences, which puts a slight doubt besides Galopin Des Champs as the Gold Cup will only be his seventh attempt.

However, all of the last 12 had at least two chase wins and all but one had three wins over fences. The Mullins-trained horse meets those requirements, so we will let him off the fact he hasn’t experienced seven chases.

—

That leaves us with just three potential winners – Galopin Des Champs, Bravemansgame and Conflated. But, considering that just five of the last 12 winners were the favourites and only two were 10/1 or bigger, we’d have to side with Bravemansgame.

Winner: As an eight-year-old with two wins from two this season, six wins in seven chases, three career Grade 1s, a Cheltenham run under his belt, multiple wins over three miles and a rating of 181, Bravemansgame is our Gold Cup winner.

The best online card games in Australia. What games do Australians prefer?

The Editor
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The best online card games in Australia. What games do Australians prefer?

History of Cards. Pokies Land

Modern iGaming offers a lot of entertainment; you can get to the poker table right from home and fight with a live dealer or play in a tournament from your mobile. The possibilities of the gambling industry offer everyone to find their hobby and make good money. Australia is undoubtedly the capital of pokies, but what other games do Australians love? Let’s figure out together which card games are popular on the mainland.

Before plunging into the excursion, you can relax while playing online. It is enough to visit Golden Crown, the casino with the widest selection of card games, and winning money is a matter of practice.

History of Playing Cards

History of Playing Cards
History of Playing Cards

Australians love to play cards for fun, whether it’s a country house getaway or just meeting up with old friends. You can meet a group in the park enthusiastically spreading the suits on the table to count the points. The popularity of this entertainment has inevitably led to the emergence of card games on online casino sites. And now, the opportunity to win money on your hobby is available to anyone. So let’s go back to the very beginning, the origin of this game.

The first confirmation of the first game of cards is found in the records of the Tang Dynasty in the ninth century. There is a suspicion that the card’s role in our representation was played by leaves, which later replaced scraps of paper with the transition from scrolls to books.

In Europe, references to maps dating back to the 14th century, having migrated with the Saracens from Arabia. A study of the culture and traditions of North Africa suggests that the cards were mainly used for divination. This wrapped everything with mysticism, with which the laying out of Tarot cards was connected.

Taro

In addition to the basic set, 21 trump cards were added with images of mystical symbols and occult signs. It was customary to consider the Fool image as a blank card. Over time, the need for an additional deck disappeared, by established rules, but an empty card reappeared, already in the form of a Joker. It was used for the popular game of Euchre.

This suggests that the cards’ mystical origin influenced the unspoken rule of playing clockwise in Western European countries since dark magic works in the opposite direction. Ultimately, the magical role of the cards lost its priority, giving way to the game form. The circle of court cards narrowed, leaving only the King, Queen, and Jack.

Varieties of Card Games

Around the 16th century, the colonialists brought their decks and introduced both the standard 52-card format and different mixed variations creating new games and variations of existing ones. The entertainment quickly spread, becoming a popular pastime for all who could cope with the rules. The game for material goods has also taken root, allowing one to exchange food, clothes, and valuables and win them.

The fun began to take the form of modern card games, which, if desired, can be divided into several simple categories:

  • Comparing Games
  • Shredding Games
  • Trick Taking Games

The first category is characterized by playing with a set of cards that allow you to beat the opponent’s cards. The goal is achieved by a winning card in seniority, pairs, or combinations. The best example would be playing Blackjack or Poker.

The second category, on the contrary, focuses on agility and luck. You will need to get rid of all the cards in your hand as quickly as possible to win. A prevalent pastime in fishing villages and on the outskirts of big cities. Games are usually fun and fast-paced. An example is Swedish Rummy.

The third type is distinguished by its enthusiasm. After all, players are allowed to play cards from the deck and turn them over on the table. The so-called trick implies that when one plays a particular card, the opponent can either draw a card from the deck or play their own. The rules may vary, forcing you to play as many cards as possible to score points or, on the contrary, try to throw everything out of your hand.

In this game type, there is a bidding stage before the start and the presence of trump cards or a suit that replaces them. A simple Bridge example.

Australian Gambling Laws

Unfortunately, to the IGA status decision all virtual gambling establishments are prohibited on the mainland for Australians. This is true for all online casinos that have not received a local permissive license, which is complicated by the fact that they are not issued there. Otherwise, you can safely visit land-based casinos for your favorite game.

For example, those sites registered under the jurisdiction of Curacao or the MGA can skip gamers from Australia without any problems. Moreover, gambling establishments often offer unique casino card games, especially for Australians, to attract an audience.

Australian Online Casino

Australian Online Casino
Australian Online Casino

Use the possibilities of interactive entertainment to the fullest. Online casino games offer much more freedom than traditional establishments. And it’s not just that you can join the party at any convenient time on your tablet. Special offers of virtual casinos allow you to enjoy the game with an advantage.

The main types of rewards when playing online:

Welcome BonusAllows you to enter the game with an existing wagering balance or free spins
Deposit BonusAllows you to receive additional funds for bets with each replenishment of the account
Reload bonusUpdates promo offers at a specific time
CashbackReturn part of the lost money at the expense of the percentage of return of funds specified in the rules according to the number of bets

Conclusion

Australians are not only very original but also reckless. With thousands of casino games, they prefer card games to all others. The game of Poker has no competitors at the user’s table from Australia. The only restriction in gambling leisure is a ban on gambling under the age of 21.

Chocolate dove blesses budget supermarket

The Editor
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Chocolate dove blesses budget supermarket
Chocolate dove blesses budget supermarket
Chocolate dove blesses budget supermarket

A ‘chocolate dove from above’, whom some believe may actually be the Lord Jesus Christ in a bird costume, has blessed a Suffolk budget supermarket. Praise be!

That’s the ‘belief’, at least, of a congregation of unscientific shoppers who popped into Singhsbury’s convenience store in Ipswich to purchase dozens upon dozens of religious eggs.

Fundamentalist fanatics filing

With Easter fast approaching (Sun, Apr 9, 2023), hordes of fanatical, chocolate-loving Christians filed through the confectionary aisle at the slightly scruffy-looking budget store run by local trader, Barry Singh, to witness the miracle of what some are describing as ‘the chocolate dove from above’

Hebrew Whispers

The Holy Bible (King James Version, £7.99 @ Amazon) tells its readers in Verse 3:16, that someone called Matthew told someone else, who wrote down “And Jesus, when he was baptized, went up straightway out of the water: and, lo, the heavens were opened unto him, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove, and lighting upon him.”

So there we have it. Undeniable proof that Jesus a.k.a. ‘God’ did indeed come down from heaven dressed as a dove, landed in Ipswich, and sat atop a box of Cadbury’s Caramel eggs. It’s a miracle!

God is real

Local fundamentalist parson who is a regular customer of a budget supermarket,. the Right Reverend Robert Bandicoot Q.C. and Bishop of Newmarket told this reporter “See! It is a miracle! We’ve been telling everyone around here for years that Jesus is a real person and that God is a real thing, but nobody believed us.

Now what do they have to say, eh? EH?” Asked if he had seen the dove (W.C. ‘small white pigeon’) himself, the Rev told us “Yes… and touched it.

And it spoke to me.” Really? “Yes.” What did it say? “Erm, it said, that I am doing a really great job as Bishop, that God Loves me, and that he knows where the £2,600 that’s gone missing from the ‘fix the cathedral roof fund’ is, and that it is being used for good, and that its nothing to do with me. Me. Not him.”

In other news…

In other news. Heartless, thieving vandals masquerading as animal rights activists have raided Ipswich pet shop, ‘Pussies Galore’ causing hundreds of pounds worth of damage to, mainly, cages.  

A small quantity of stick insects was stolen, and a cat was placed upside down in a horse trough, and smothered with fibrous hamster bedding. Also, a plethora of birds was deliberately freed from their cages, including… wait for it… six small, white pigeons.

W.C. = Working Class

Pothole art avenger ‘Wanksy’ targets Suffolk streets

The Editor
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Pothole art avenger ‘Wanksy’ targets Suffolk streets
Pothole art avenger ‘Wanksy’ targets Suffolk streets

Pothole art avenger ‘Wanksy’ is targeting the streets of Suffolk after his successful campaign in the north of England.

Armed with only a can of spray paint and a hard-on for social justice. The Mancunian man of mystery is single-handedly taking-on the Highways Agency.and local councils, fighting the good fight to make the many un-car-worthy roads of Britain… well… car-worthy.

Like fellow renegade street artist, Bristolian Banksy, Wanksy uses ninja-style tactics to adorn the tarmac of Britain’s shitty roads.with grafitti’d schlongs, cocks, nobs, peckers, boners, tadgers and willies. His rebel art is designed to highlight dangerous potholes and fissures in the road,.forcing councils into quick repairs… and it works! One pothole which had been left to destroy the tyres, rims and axles of innocent motorists for EIGHT MONTHS,.was repaired within 48 hours of Wanksy spraying the area with a trademark spunking cock.

Suffolk councillors chew-over big cocks

We managed to track down Wanksy as he knocked one out on Risbygate Street in Bury St Edmunds. We asked the hooded gonad guerilla about his choice of the male member as his subject matter. He told us “I spray dicks because they capture people’s attention. Potholes cause untold damage to vehicles and sometimes accidents as people swerve to avoid them. It’s a bloody disgrace, Most people don’t see the holes until its too late, but after I’ve had my tool out and sprayed the area, people can easily see my cock coming.”

Wanksy’s cock keeps popping up all over Suffolk, and as a consequence, the county council has been forced to act swiftly to disguise the pornographic art. Whereas the council feels it can ignore potholes that have not been highlighted by Wanksy, they have been forced to fill the holes with a cock.

Why not join Wanksy in his creative car-care crusade? Send us a pic while you’re at it! All you have to do is go into the street after dark, find a hole or crack you like the look of, and take a selfie of you sticking a big cock in it!

Northern lights illuminate Suffolk skies

The Editor
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Northern lights illuminate Suffolk skies
Northern lights illuminate Suffolk skies
Northern lights illuminate Suffolk skies

Regular readers of the SUFFOLK GAZETTE will recall how we reported on a local old person who mistook some birdshit on her car windscreen for a Chinese spy balloon. Well now, the same demented old crone has told us how this time, she spotted the northern lights illuminating the Suffolk night sky.

The northern lights – a natural phenomenon caused by solar flares erupting on the Sun – are usually one visible from Scotland and other strange foreign countries, but over the past week, they have been thrilling insomniacs across East Anglia.

Mary Delaney (81) from Kettlebaston, W.Suffolk told us:

“Hello. What’s that luv? A what? Rory’s bored at his auntie’s? Is he?”

No. Aurora borealis. You said you saw it?

“Oh, yes. Silly me. I get confused you see, dear.”

We know. Did you see it or not?

“Yes… yes. I saw it alright. It was about 3am – in the morning. I was watching some taped episodes of Wogan on the telly. It was the one where…”

Stop! The northern lights. What did they look like?

“Oh. Well it was the one with Rod Stewart where he asked Terry to swap seats so the camera could catch his good side, and I looked out the window, and there it was. Well, I can tell you, it was the most wonderful thing I had ever seen – well, apart from when I saw Joe Longthorne do Shirley Bassey at the Blackpool Grand in 1986. Masterful.”

Jesus. Will you tell us about the lights… PLEASE?

“OK, luv. Hang on a minute, my daughter’s calling me… Aaargh, I get so confused when I have two calls at the same time. Hang on… Margaret? Oh well. She’s gone. What was it, luv?”

FFS. The northern lights.

“Oh, yes. I was looking out of the window with Wogan on in the background, and the lights. Oooh, the lights, they lit up the sky, they did. A beautiful pink colour. A very vibrant, luminous pink, spread all across the sky. It was… it was… it was…”

Dazzling?

“No. It was…”

Spellbinding?

“No. It was…”

Breathtaking?

“No. It was…”

What then?

“It was… pink.”

FFS. Then what happened.

“Well, that’s the funny thing. I like to eat sausage rolls when I’m watching telly in bed you see., Y’know, Greggs ones. I won’t eat any of the other shit the supermarkets make. I eat ‘em even though they’re not good for me. It’s the wind. Indigestion. Its crippling. So what I do is, I drink Gaviscon. Ooooh do I drink Gaviscon?! Ha ha ha!”

What does Gaviscon have to do with it?

“Well, I’m a bit old you see, dear, and I live in a bit of a hovel. Its not exactly tidy around here. Its a little bit of a mess. Margaret says she’s going to write to Hoarders. You know… that telly series about mentally ill people living in mountains of their own shit that they cant throw away. That’s me! So like I say, I get in a bit of a messy muddle sometimes and that’s when it happened.”

When what happened?

“Well, I was glugging on the Gaviscon, standing at the window, looking at the northern lights when I noticed that the lights were dripping a little.”

Dripping?

“Yes, dripping… a little. So I thought ‘that’s strange’, so I looked a bit closer. I leaned in to the window pane. I could smell something and the lights were definitely dripping. So I put my finger on the window pane and dragged it across the lights. Then, I sniffed my finger and then licked it.”

Good God. What was it?

“Gaviscon. It was GAVISCON! That’s when I remembered… the pink lights weren’t the northern lights at all. They were the Gaviscon that I had coughed over the window the night before! What am I like?”

Lord, have mercy.

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