IPSWICH, SUFFOLK – In a masterclass of drunk driving, an inebriated workman managed to defy the laws of physics by launching a Cat TH407c Telehandler off a flatbed truck onto a parked Opel Vectra – causing it to catch fire.

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

The driver, Brian Scragg, 56, who clearly fancied himself as a modern-day Evel Knievel. Took the concept of “crash and burn” to new heights – or rather, depths – of incompetence.

Eyewitnesses at the scene reported that the tipsy Telehandler handler.had apparently mistaken the industrial machine for a Formula 1 car.after a particularly spirited round of tequila shots in a local boozer.

With a level of coordination that could only be rivaled by a newborn giraffe on roller skates. Our hero revved the Telehandler’s engine, screamed “Watch out below!”.for dramatic effect, and promptly toppled the massive 9-tonne piece of machinery over the side onto the parked car.

Bewildered

Meanwhile, Philip Tin, a hapless local resident visiting a nearby dry cleaners. Could only watch in bewildered horror. As his beloved Opel Vectra was treated (like the shirts he was collecting) to an unexpected pressing. Witnesses say he muttered something that sounded suspiciously like, “It’s OK, I’m with the AA.”

Police were quick to arrive on the scene, armed with breathalyzers and a hearty appreciation for the laws of irony. Driver, Scragg, whose blood alcohol content was reportedly higher than his IQ. He faced charges ranging from reckless driving to flying low without a proper license.

As the Telehandler was hoisted back onto the flatbed truck with the grace of a drunken elephant on a tightrope. One could only marvel at the ingenious new ways that people find to make insurance adjusters cry.

Save a door Dali

Mr. Tin is said to be seeking to auction the squashed,.burned-out Opel as a modern art installation (less one door which he intends to retain as a keepsake.)