Wednesday, January 18, 2023

British Man invents Kardashian news filter

British Man invents Kardashian news filter
British Man invents Kardashian news filter

A British viral marketer has invented a Kardashian news filter app called KardBlock.

The app is designed for people who wish to filter out the constant barrage of inane stories about the irritating Kardashian clan and the appalling, Kylie and Kendall Jenner.

The app which blocks any mention of Kim, Kanye, Kris, Kendall, Khloe, Kourtney, and Kylie from the user’s news feed has already notched-up 80 downloads on the App store.

Is the app FREE?

Some consider it surprising that the Kardashians Ltd do not themselves have an app. Hang on a minute… they do… ‘Kim Kardashian: Hollywood Celebrity Life & Fashion Story’. It is basically a Barbie doll style dress-up game with over thirty-thousands downloads. The app is free with, wait for it… in-app purchases.

The game invites players to “Get famous in Hollywood and create your fashion story! Choose your story filled with runway fashion, fame & celebrities.” Players may also “Dress up for a fresh celebrity look, join a new squad, and conquer the fashion world in style.” And it asks “Are you ready to become a famous fashion icon and movie star in KIM KARDASHIAN: HOLLYWOOD?”

The Fame Game

Well, this journalist is! It sounds like fun, and presumably, I’ll get rich doing it? So here goes… I’m downloading the app now. Just click there… waiting… installing… Okay. Got it. Right, here I go… Fame and fortune, here I come!

So, I’m beginning to live the Hollywood life in style among celebrities and Kim’s friends in this fashion story game. I’ve just dressed my avatar up in a fashion style of my own choice. I’ve gone for a pair of red, flared corduroy trousers with an orange Paisley shirt. I am wearing yellow PVC high-heeled boots and a pair of green leather driving gloves. My ensemble is finished off with a heavy gold chain with a solid gold, full-sized hand whisk pendant. I am now a fashion star for special events such as the Versace fashion show which I am about to attend.

Kardashian Filter

As I approach the red carpet I realize that Kim’s friends, the ones I was promised I could hang out with – are blanking me. It’s worse than that, they are clearly trying to disassociate themselves from me by walking ahead and flashing me bitchy looks which say ‘you’re not one of us… stay away!’ I also notice that none of the paparazzi are taking photos of me.

I am being completely ignored by them, apart from the ones who sneeringly look me up and down before chuckling to themselves before snapping someone else more famous. I’m beginning to feel a little self-conscious and I’m not really enjoying this fame lark much. I am now at the rope-cordoned entrance manned by two tuxedoed security guards.

When I attempt to enter, one of them steps forward and pushes a flat hand into my chest. He is offering me an insincere apology which is intended to inform me that I am not welcome inside unless I buy an in-game pass for $200. This doesn’t seem fair.

Fits to all

The game’s blurb says that I will “Discover the fashion world: visit clubs, boutiques, & luxury homes in LA, Tokyo, Paris & more!” and that I will “Live the superstar Life: become a movie star, fashion stylist, top model & more!” Perhaps I should re-install the app?

I meekly call out to Kim for help but she’s long gone. Some friend she turned out to be!

I have no choice but to turn around and walk back down the red carpet the wrong way, against the tide of celebrities and VIPs who look at me derisively as I pass them. And now the paparazzi can’t get enough of me. Snapping and flashing their bulbs as they yell out mocking insults and laugh.

I don’t think the fashion world is for me. I just want my old job at the Suffolk Gazette back please.

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