MORRISONS, LEISTON – Shoppers in Suffolk have been urged to return purchases of “German XL BBQ Hamburgers”. After a suspected act of employee sabotage led to what the supermarket is calling an “unprecedented meat anomaly.”
Consumer Correspondent: Colin Allcabs
The burgers, sold in the Leiston branch over the weekend. They were labelled as containing “Extra D*ck” and a whistleblower alleged that one batch may have included more than just beef.
According to sources within the Bavarian supplier. A disgruntled employee – accused by his bosses of adding too much salt to the company’s products – decided to take revenge on his by dismembering his own penis and dropping it int the mincing machine. Gertrude Himmler (Born Bert Hmmler) carried out a self-penectomy with a meat cleaver and threw his detached penis into the mincing machine as he yelled “Wenn Sie keine zusätzlichen Gewürze mögen, nehmen Sie stattdessen extra D*ck!”
Burger my ass
Morrisons has since issued a formal recall, stating: “We take quality control seriously. All of our burgers should contain 100% beef and 0% anatomical ambiguity.”
Environmental health officers are working with local authorities to trace customers who may have purchased the affected burgers. “We’re fairly confident the risk is minimal,” said one inspector. “But just to be safe, maybe don’t fire these up at your nan’s birthday BBQ.”
The incident has prompted a wider discussion about machine access protocols, product labelling, and the dangers of literal translation in post-Brexit Britain.
Meanwhile, Lidl is rumoured to be rushing a rival product to shelves called “Schnitzel Surprise.”
