By Doug Trench, Defence Editor
In this poignant final despatch, the commanding officer of the Suffolk Liberation Front reveals how the once-mighty organisation has been forced to hang up its uniforms and retreat into the shadows. For the time being, anyway.
This could be the final despatch from the Suffolk Liberation Front.
I had hoped that I would be conveying a message of hope and deliverance to the residents of Suffolk on this Easter Day, 2017. Sadly it is not.
The SLF has, it seems, lost ground and men. We have been destroyed as an effective fighting force; we no longer have the teeth to carry out any sort of action beyond saving ourselves.
The reasons for our demise are varied and unfortunate. Firstly our expansion into Spain went badly. We had hoped to help Gibraltar expand over the whole of Spain, but promised reinforcements did not arrive and our supply lines were cut. We lost many good men in scenes reminiscent of the fall of Saigon. I myself, the commanding officer was on the final transport out of Spain.
Added stressors to the SLF was the Suffolk Gazette appearing to move to Norfolk – this was later exposed as a foolish prank, but we lost a lot of morale over it.
Also, the presence of the leader of the DPRK in North Korea on the Suffolk coast took up a lot of resources as we were being paid a lot of money to safeguard the Dear Leader’s safety and peace from inquisitive residents of Leiston.
Upon my return to Suffolk from Spain, I was disappointed to hear from the acting commander, SLF that the promised Chinese reinforcements had not arrived in the county. Apparently they were needed to reinforce China’s border with North Korea and had been diverted there. All 150,000 of them.
I felt that the SLF would endure and decided to visit our recently seized border town of Great Yarmouth. Unperturbed by the lack of SLF patrols, I went into the town, only to find myself surrounded by members of the Norfolk Defence Force. They had created one way systems and others obstacles, and the NDF sabotaged my vehicle, which then broke down on my return to safety. The vehicle had to be dumped and for several days the commanding officer was seen driving a Nissan Micra, quite a come down for him.
A vehicle was soon found and fitted with bullet proof glass for the CO at great cost to the SLF.
Sadly there is now an attempt to inter the CO of the SLF as a war criminal for making threats and for looting Norfolk, crimes that are vehemently denied. The CO was briefly captured in Suffolk and taken to a Norfolk friendly facility in Martlesham and questioned, but luckily the CO managed to escape with his life.
In even more devastating news for the residents of a beleaguered Suffolk, the funds of the SLF have been seized, bank accounts frozen and assets taken. There was literally nothing left, save what the brigadier could carry himself personally to safety.
There are rumours of a stash of gold and cash, but unfortunately this is not true; we are broke and reliant on the kindness and hospitality of those still sympathetic to the SLF.
Many of our fighters are already interned in a POW camp in Norwich (HMP Norwich) on charges of racketeering, criminal damage and other such made up war crimes.
The SLF currently exists only in name and the odd bit of graffiti put up in rural areas.
The final message to the fighters of the SLF and the agents still in Norfolk and other areas is to fight on in a desperate guerrilla war, ensuring the overlords sent from London are never fully at peace and always wary. We will rise again. Remaining forces are to gather support, resources and train for the uprising that will come again to
hold suffolk under a new reign of terror save Suffolk from Norfolk enslavement.
In a final embarrassment to the SLF, Norfolk flags fly over the streets of Suffolk towns this day.
We shall be starting a crowd funding effort to save the leader of the SLF from false internment and to build campaign funds.
To the editor personally, there are forces loyal to the SLF still out there who will burn your home and give you a Chinese burn if you refuse to publish this despatch.
For now the SLF exists officially as the CO, the deputy commander and two others. We operate out of a van.
Falsely accused of crimes we did not commit, we promptly escaped from unlawful custody and make our living on the East Anglian underground, if you can find us, if no one else can help you, you can hire the SLF.
Suffolk and proud until we die.
Suffolk Liberation Front
Status: On the run from unlawful custody.
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