Arsenal fan architect tricks Spurs into building toilet-shaped stadium roof.
By Our Football Staff
TOTTENHAM — Tottenham Hotspur F.C. officials were reportedly “flushed with embarrassment”. After discovering that the visionary architect behind their latest roof renovation, Barry Jones, is a lifelong season-ticket holder at Arsenal. The revelation came only after the final structural beam was placed. Revealing that from an aerial perspective, the world-class stadium now bears an identical resemblance to a giant ceramic toilet.
Jones, a prominent North London architect who resides in a house painted exclusively in “Emirates Red”. He managed to navigate the entire three-year procurement process without mentioning his allegiances. His pitch, titled “Flow, Fluidity, and Drainage: A New Era for the Lilywhites,” was initially hailed by the Spurs board as a masterpiece of modern minimalism.
“He talked a lot about ‘circular economy’ and ‘the bowl experience,'” said one shell-shocked club executive while staring at a drone feed. “Thought he was talking about acoustics. We didn’t realize he meant the literal porcelain throne where Spurs’ hopes go to be swirled away.”
We turd it through the grapevine
The design, uncovered by an Ipswich-supporting hack at the SUFFOLK GAZETTE, features a pristine white, elliptical rim encircling the pitch, topped with a towering, vertical “lid” structure that proudly displays the club’s cockerel crest. It is only from 500 feet up that the satirical genius of the “Toilet Seat” design becomes undeniable, transforming the North London skyline into a suburban bathroom floor.
Arsenal supporters have already begun crowdfunding to buy Jones a statue. While Spurs fans are demanding the immediate installation of a giant, 50-foot roll of quilted tissue while Jones’s legal team argues that the design is “functional” and reflects the club’s “current trajectory.”
As of noon, the club is desperately looking for an architect who supports a neutral team—like a nice club from mid-table France—to add a “cistern” or perhaps a very large bidet to balance out the aesthetic.
