Midsomer introduces police stop and search powers

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Police in the village of Midsomer will get special stop and search after murders rose to four a week.

Parliament has made special exceptions for the Oxfordshire village, where residents are afraid to go to the church, paper shop or library for fear of being slaughtered by crazed men in corduroy trousers and women in Laura Ashley or Boden tunics,  wielding knives or shotguns.

“It’s turned into Midsomer Madness,” said Chief Superintendent Tom Barnaby. “The force is working overtime and still the killings continue.

“The council is considering building a wall between Midsomer and Causton. In theory, we will be stopping all black people and white people, although I have never actually seen a person of colour in any of the local villages.

“We won’t just be searching for knives and guns. We need to be wary of poisoned pots of blackberry jam and elderberry wine, as well as Semtex inside library books, ancient statues laced with Novichok and razor blades hidden in flower arrangements.

“My warning to these murderers is that we are going all-out to get them and they will face justice. We do not care about their so-called human rights. We will stop anyone who looks suspicious whether they be the vicar or a band of passing circus folk.”

Lorraine Fisher, 34, who runs the Midsomer Macrame Collective, said: “We welcome this initiative. Villagers have been afraid to leave their rose-covered cottages for fear of being slain. We need more Bobbies on the beat and several more coroners in green overalls and shower caps to cope with the crime here.”

A spokesman for Jeremy Corbyn said: “Stop and search should only be used in exceptional circumstances. We need to look at the reasons behind these crimes, like poverty and lack of opportunity to reach the top of the Midsomer Victoria Sponge Society or Lace-Making Group, which can make people feel marginalised and driven to crime.”

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