OAKLEY BEER GARDEN, SUFFOLK – Three ‘Muslim women’ were refused halal cocktails at the Dog & Biscuit pub in Oakley, Suffolk, on Tuesday in what is being described as a non-crime mistaken identity incident.

Consumer Correspondent: Colin Allcabs

Patrons were left choking on their scampi fries after the pub’s short-sighted landlord, Malcolm Wren, spent over 30 minutes politely trying to explain to what he thought were three Muslim women in burkas that his pub did not sell Halal-certified cocktails—only to discover he was talking to a row of collapsed patio umbrellas.

“I just thought they were being very reserved,” Wren explained. “They didn’t say a word. Just stood there, heads down. I assumed they were shy, or perhaps non-drinkers.”

Wren, who has famously refused to wear glasses since he “lost a staring contest with a mirror in 1989,” launched into a long-winded monologue about the pub’s “inclusive but pork-scratchings-based” menu, explaining that the Shiraz Sangria contained traces of bacon, and the Bloody Mary was named after “a Christian saint, not a colonial offence.”

It wasn’t until a gust of wind caught one of the “ladies,” sending her cartwheeling across the beer garden and straight into a trellis, that Wren realised his mistake. “I just thought she’d had enough of my ethics,” he said.

Mohammadjito

Locals described the incident as “vintage Malc.” One regular noted, “Last week he gave a whole health and safety briefing to a hat stand.”

Wren has since issued an apology to “the umbrellas, any Muslim ladies who may visit in future, and the staff for making them look up what Halal gin might be.” He also promised to finally visit Specsavers, though warned “the world’s not ready for how clear I’ll be.”

Meanwhile: Waitrose to hold open evenings for common people only