The vandalized “Starmer” bench serves as a splintered metaphor for broken Britain.
By Our Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks
HOLBORN AND ST PANCRAS, LONDON — Residents of Sir Keir Starmer’s own constituency have been greeted by a chillingly literal representation of the current UK political climate: a park bench, donated in the Prime Minister’s name, in a state of total structural collapse.
The bench, which once promised a stable place for the weary public to rest, was discovered yesterday with its primary support slats shattered and its once-sturdy frame splintered. To many, the sight of the “Starmer Seat” reduced to kindling is less a case of simple vandalism and more a high-concept piece of performance art documenting the 2026 British experience.
Starmer screwed
While the local council has yet to send a repair crew—reportedly citing a lack of “fiscal headroom” for new wood screws—political commentators have wasted no time in drawing parallels.
“It’s almost too perfect,” noted one observer near the St Pancras site. “You have a bench that looks fine from a distance, but the moment you try to lean on it for support, the whole thing gives way. If that isn’t the Labour manifesto in physical form, I don’t know what is.”
Unsafe seat
Critics have been quick to point out that the bench’s current state mirrors the Prime Minister’s own “Broken Britain” record.
An “Official Statement” from a defensive Downing Street explains how the bench is merely “transitioning into a more modern, flat-pack phase” and promised that the Cabinet is “carefully considering” the possibility of a five-year plan to reinstall the armrest.
As the sun sets over the ruins of the Starmer premiership, the message to the people of Holborn and St Pancras remains clear: Your seat is no longer safe.
Arsenal fan architect tricks Spurs into building toilet-shaped stadium roof.
By Our Football Staff
TOTTENHAM — Tottenham Hotspur F.C. officials were reportedly “flushed with embarrassment”. After discovering that the visionary architect behind their latest roof renovation, Barry Jones, is a lifelong season-ticket holder at Arsenal. The revelation came only after the final structural beam was placed. Revealing that from an aerial perspective, the world-class stadium now bears an identical resemblance to a giant ceramic toilet.
Jones, a prominent North London architect who resides in a house painted exclusively in “Emirates Red”. He managed to navigate the entire three-year procurement process without mentioning his allegiances. His pitch, titled “Flow, Fluidity, and Drainage: A New Era for the Lilywhites,” was initially hailed by the Spurs board as a masterpiece of modern minimalism.
“He talked a lot about ‘circular economy’ and ‘the bowl experience,'” said one shell-shocked club executive while staring at a drone feed. “Thought he was talking about acoustics. We didn’t realize he meant the literal porcelain throne where Spurs’ hopes go to be swirled away.”
We turd it through the grapevine
The design, uncovered by an Ipswich-supporting hack at the SUFFOLK GAZETTE, features a pristine white, elliptical rim encircling the pitch, topped with a towering, vertical “lid” structure that proudly displays the club’s cockerel crest. It is only from 500 feet up that the satirical genius of the “Toilet Seat” design becomes undeniable, transforming the North London skyline into a suburban bathroom floor.
Arsenal supporters have already begun crowdfunding to buy Jones a statue. While Spurs fans are demanding the immediate installation of a giant, 50-foot roll of quilted tissue while Jones’s legal team argues that the design is “functional” and reflects the club’s “current trajectory.”
As of noon, the club is desperately looking for an architect who supports a neutral team—like a nice club from mid-table France—to add a “cistern” or perhaps a very large bidet to balance out the aesthetic.
Suffolk floods allow Russian submarine to surface in Bury St Edmunds.
By Our Defence Editor: Doug Trench
BURY ST EDMUNDS, SUFFOLK — The relentless downpours that have battered Suffolk in early 2026 have led to a series of severe flood alerts across the county. However, residents of Bury St Edmunds were treated to more than just high water levels this week when a full-scale Russian Akula-class submarine appeared to navigate the submerged remains of a local residential street.
The vessel, which locals have affectionately dubbed the “Bury Beluga,” was first spotted breaching the surface near the flooded Ixer Lane. While Suffolk Highways has closed numerous roads due to “verges being washed away,” they have yet to issue a specific guideline for yielding to 12,000-ton nuclear-powered submersibles at major junctions.
Deep-Sea Potholes
“I was just looking out the window at the rising water when a periscope rose past the bird feeder,” noted one resident near the River Lark. “I thought the council had finally sent a very aggressive drainage team, but then I noticed the Cyrillic lettering on the conning tower. It reminded me of the Hunt for Red October.”
While the Environment Agency continues to monitor high river levels on the Deben and Lark, they have remained tight-lipped on whether the “Bury Beluga” constitutes a breach of local fishing bylaws or a standard transit under the 2026 Flood Recovery Framework.
Military analysts suggest the submarine’s appearance is a masterclass in opportunistic navigation. With January 2026 officially recorded as 50% wetter than average, the Suffolk interior has effectively become the UK’s newest deep-water port.
Some people relax with a cup of tea and a documentary about steam trains. Others turn to fast-moving financial markets where prices jump about like startled pigeons. Active traders, the ones who refresh charts with the enthusiasm of a Labrador shaking a toy, have found their natural habitat in these high-energy products.
They crave speed and these markets move like Suffolk wind on bin day
Prices can twitch in seconds, which is ideal for anyone whose patience evaporates faster than a puddle in July. Traders can open a position, panic slightly, close the position and congratulate themselves all before the kettle boils. The chaos is half the charm. Some even treat rapid movement as a test of personal skill, as if the market were a spirited opponent in a friendly pub darts match. The sense of immediate feedback keeps them in a loop of constant decision-making and instant gratification.
Why this appeals: Fast-paced traders want constant action, and these instruments give them the rapid feedback needed for quick reaction strategies.
No ownership required which is perfect for people with no cupboard space for gold bars
These contracts allow traders to speculate on markets without holding any physical assets. There is no need to store commodities, metals, or digital wallets; everything is managed directly on the trading platform. Removing the practical challenges of ownership creates a more streamlined experience, giving traders the flexibility to move quickly between markets. They can shift from agricultural prices to technology shares with ease, focusing purely on price movements rather than the responsibilities that come with holding the underlying asset.
Why this appeals: Active traders prefer flexibility rather than long commitments, and the ability to trade price movements without owning anything suits their quick-turn mindset.
Leverage gives them a heroic feeling until the market teaches humility
Controlling a large position with a modest amount of capital provides an intoxicating sense of financial might. The rush is undeniable. Leverage allows traders to feel as though they have stepped onto a grand financial stage, even if they are actually sitting in a kitchen in Lowestoft wearing mismatched slippers. The dramatic scaling of exposure creates a sense of personal significance that may be unusually compelling.
Why this appeals: Leverage allows traders to amplify small price moves, fitting their appetite for short bursts of high-impact activity.
Rising markets, falling markets, sideways markets… all fair game
Some markets only reward you when prices rise. Not here. Traders can speculate in either direction, which means they can proudly claim they predicted everything, even when they clearly did not. This directional freedom also gives them constant opportunities to justify their latest flurry of chart screenshots and colourful annotations. It creates the comforting illusion that the market is always presenting them with something to react to.
Why this appeals: The freedom to react to news in both directions suits traders who constantly shift bias and thrive in unpredictable environments.
Volatility gives them something to chase or blame every hour of the day
Most people find sharp movements alarming. Short-term traders treat them as entertainment. Volatility keeps them alert, engaged and slightly over-caffeinated. Each jagged movement can be spun into a bold narrative that can turn the entire experience into something oddly theatrical. At times, traders behave as if the market were performing a bespoke drama specifically for their viewing pleasure.
Why this appeals: Volatile swings provide frequent entry and exit points, which is exactly what fast turnover traders look for.
Platforms feel like a global financial theme park
One moment, they analyse coffee prices. The next, they explore tech stocks or currency swings. This multi-market access is where CFD trading shines. It lets restless traders jump between opportunities like determined tourists racing across a fairground map. The sense of endless variety is energising, especially for traders who believe they can find opportunity in any asset as long as it has a pulse and a chart.
Why this appeals: the ability to access many markets in one place supports strategies built on rapid switching between assets when news breaks.
Costs and fees: the plot twist they always forget
Spreads and overnight charges sit quietly in the background like a fox in a bin. Traders notice them only after muttering something along the lines of “why is my balance doing that.” Even so, they adapt. Many active traders build the cost of frequent trading into their internal justification systems, much like a gym membership that they swear they will use properly next month.
Why this appeals: although costs matter, the potential for frequent short-term opportunities keeps traders engaged even when fees nibble at the edges.
Risk controls exist and are often admired from a distance
Stop losses and limit orders are available, although some traders treat them the way Suffolk residents treat seagulls. Important to acknowledge, yet often ignored until necessary. These tools act as invisible guardrails that provide just enough structure to prevent total chaos, even if traders prefer to imagine they are navigating markets through pure instinct.
Why this appeals: risk tools allow high-speed traders to set boundaries around sudden price shocks, which is essential for short-term speculation.
The long and the short of it
Fast-moving financial contracts attract active traders because they offer speed, flexibility, leverage, volatility and constant opportunity in one lively package. They compress drama, decision-making, and emotional turbulence into short bursts that suit those who prefer excitement over serenity. Satire aside, it is easy to see the logic. These markets reward quick thinking, constant vigilance and the desire to act swiftly, even if the trading takes place from a kitchen table in Ipswich at one in the morning. For the short-term trader, this style of trading satisfies the need for immediate autonomy and the feeling of being plugged into a global story that unfolds by the minute.
Starmer and Mandelson rank as history’s most hated after Hitler.
LONDON, UK — In an unprecedented shift in historical public opinion, Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer and disgraced former Ambassador to the US, Lord Peter Mandelson, have been named the second and third most hated figures in history, respectively. Adolf Hitler narrowly retained his top spot, primarily due to having a significant head start.
The astonishing results come from a snap poll conducted by the staff of the SUFFOLK GAZETTE which noted a dramatic surge in animosity towards the two Labour grandees. Sir Keir’s approval ratings, already lower than crocodile piss, plummeted further after an internal party memo accidentally ranked him “less popular than lukewarm tea.”
Not well-liked
Lord Mandelson, meanwhile, secured his bronze medal in vilification following revelations that he allegedly exchanged classified state secrets with convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. Sources close to the investigation suggest the “secrets” mainly involved the precise biscuit-to-tea ratio favored at diplomatic functions, but the optics were, as one expert put it, “shite.”
“It’s a testament to their contemporary impact,” stated Professor Quentin Frown, head of the Institute. “To outrank figures like Ivan the Terrible or Pol Pot, who, let’s not forget, specialized in actual ‘terrible’ things, shows a truly unique talent for generating widespread disdain. It’s almost impressive.”
While Starmer’s rise to infamy is attributed to a combination of political inertia, perceived broken promises, and an uncanny ability to inspire mild irritation, Mandelson’s position is more… spicy. “Giving away state secrets is one thing,” mused an anonymous Whitehall source, “but giving them to Epstein? That’s just not cricket.”
As for the future, experts predict that if current trends continue, Starmer could potentially dethrone Hitler by the next fiscal quarter, unless of course, he finally delivers on his promise to release the sausages.
Crying Chancellor Reeves features on £20 note amid Starmer government collapse.
By Our Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks
WESTMINSTER, LONDON — Early drafts of a new £20 banknote featuring a visibly distraught Rachel Reeves have leaked from the Royal Mint.
The design, which depicts the Chancellor in a state of high-definition emotional collapse, reportedly commemorates the “Summer of Sobbing” in 2025, when Ms. Reeves was reduced to tears on the front bench during a particularly grueling Prime Minister’s Questions. While at the time the Treasury dismissed the incident as a “personal matter,” the Bank of England’s artistic committee apparently viewed it as the perfect symbol for the national economy: leaking, under pressure, and desperately needing a tissue.
Watermark
The timing of the “Bawling Banknote” is poignant. As of February 2026, Ms. Reeves finds herself on “thin ice” as the Starmer premiership enters what critics call its “terminal splintering phase.” The Prime Minister’s position is currently “hanging by a thread” following the Lord Peter Mandelson scandal, which has seen the veteran peer accused of “betraying his country” over historical links to Jeffrey Epstein.
With Sir Keir facing a “mutiny” from his own backbenchers, the Chancellor’s future in Number 11 appears equally precarious. “It’s a very intricate design,” noted one satirical currency expert. “The watermark is fashioned out of Reeves’ actual tears, which were retrieved from a tissue left by her on the green benches in the commons.” Another feature is a “Mandelson Hologram”: a shimmering image of the disgraced peer that vanishes the moment you ask for his vetting documents.
While Downing Street insists the Chancellor is “absolutely confident” she will remain in post, the Mint has reportedly ordered extra purple ink for the banknote’s “Red-Eyes” edition.
Infamous Seagull 73 returns, attacking hot dogs and reclaiming skies.
By Our Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred
LOWESTOFT, SUFFOLK — Civil order collapsed briefly on the South Pier yesterday as local authorities confirmed the reappearance of Seagull 73, the avian kingpin who has successfully defied both biological aging and the local constabulary for over three decades.
Seagull attack
Seagull 73 is widely regarded as the most notorious seabird ever to patrol the skies of Lowestoft, Suffolk. His legend began early. At just five weeks old, he is said to have fallen from his cliff-top nest and immediately distinguished himself by saving his mother from an Alsatian using what eyewitnesses later described as “decisive eye-focused tactics.” This formative incident is generally accepted as the moment Seagull 73 crossed the line from ordinary gull to local myth.
Missing for fourteen months—following a mysterious sabbatical rumored to involve a hostile takeover of a Great Yarmouth shrimp trawler—the 34-year-old airborne legend signaled his return by attacking a male tourist from the Midlands. The victim, who was reportedly enjoying a “jumbo” hot dog, was left holding nothing but a soggy bun and a profound sense of inadequacy.
The Return of the King
Witnesses say the “precision snatch” was executed with the surgical grace that defines Seagull 73. “It wasn’t just a theft; it was a statement,” noted one local chip shop owner, who currently displays a legal disclaimer stating that all battered cod is technically ‘at risk’ the moment it clears the fryer. “He didn’t even flap. He just glided in, claimed the frankfurter, and gave the poor man a look that suggested he should be grateful for the experience.”
Attack and defend
Despite his advanced age defying every known law of ornithology, Seagull 73 remains a feathered inevitability. Whether he spent his missing year in witness protection or deep-cover reconnaissance remains unknown. What is certain is that Lowestoft’s skies are once again under attack.
Suffolk police investigate giant snow feet appearing in a residential driveway.
By Our Angling Correspondent: Courtney Pike
IPSWICH, SUFFOLK — Suffolk police have launched a cautious inquiry following the overnight appearance of a pair of anatomically detailed, three-meter-long feet sculpted entirely from snow. The frozen appendages, discovered in a residential driveway, have left local authorities grappling with a case that is literally melting away.
A Cold Case
Officers were called to the scene at dawn after a homeowner reported two frozen feet obstructing their property. Preliminary measurements suggest the sculptures are roughly size 450 in standard UK footwear.
“We are currently treating this as a non-suspicious but highly confusing incident,” said a spokesperson for the Suffolk Constabulary. “While the artistry is undeniable—right down to the distinct toenail ridges—the sheer scale suggests either a prank of giant proportions or a very localized, very specific weather event.”
Snow investigation
Forensic teams arrived shortly after 9:00 AM, though their efforts have been hampered by a slight rise in temperature. “We attempted to take plaster casts of the snow casts,” noted one technician, “but the chemical reaction caused a minor toe collapse. It’s a race against the sun.”
Locals have already dubbed the phenomenon the “Yeti of Yoxford,” with some claiming the feet are a cold-weather tribute to the Suffolk Colossus bronze statue nearby. Others suggest it may be the work of a rogue artist who took the phrase “leaving a footprint” too literally.
Police have issued a lighthearted warning to the public.
“We advise residents to remain vigilant. If you see a three-storey-tall snowman wandering the A12 without his shoes, please do not approach him. He is likely cold and irritable.”
The real investigation
The investigation is expected to conclude naturally by midday Thursday, provided the central heating stays on.
