Thursday, November 20, 2025
Home Blog

Bury St Edmunds woman’s Botox binge leaves her with “Whale Smile”

The Editor
-
0
Bury St Edmunds woman’s Botox binge leaves her with “Whale Smile”

BURY ST EDMUNDS, UK – A 42-year-old woman from Bury St Edmunds has become the latest cautionary tale in Britain’s booming DIY cosmetic enhancement culture after what an overly enthusiastic application of Botox.

By Our Angling Correspondent: Courtney Pike

Nevis Hildebrande, desperate to smooth out the lines of middle age. Reportedly purchased a bulk pack of Botox vials from eBay. A site more traditionally associated with used furniture and counterfeit football shirts — and proceeded to inject herself six times over a frantic 48-hour period.

Friends became alarmed when Hildebrande’s once carefully curated “trout pout” ballooned into something marine biologists have since compared to “a smiling beluga whale.” Witnesses say her lips expanded to the circumference of a teacup, while her cheeks and chin puffed up in unison, giving the impression of a woman permanently mid-way through blowing up an inflatable dinghy.

Injection of humour

Emergency services were called when she attempted to sip a latte in a local café and instead sprayed the foam in a 180-degree arc, much to the astonishment of nearby pensioners. Paramedics admitted it was the first case they had treated where a patient required both oxygen and a bucket of herring.

The NHS has issued a reminder that Botox should only be administered by trained professionals, ideally not sourced from online auctions where the seller also shifts patio furniture and ex-display microwaves. A spokesman commented drily: “The face is not an appropriate testing ground for bargain-basement pharmaceuticals.”

Meanwhile, Hildebrande has pledged to use her experience to warn others about the dangers of overdoing cosmetic procedures. Her message was somewhat undermined, however, by the fact that her new lips prevented her from pronouncing most consonants.

John Cleese quits People’s Front of Judea, launches ‘Comedy Party of Gaza’

The Editor
-
0
John Cleese quits People’s Front of Judea, launches ‘Comedy Party of Gaza’
John Cleese quits People’s Front of Judea, launches ‘Comedy Party of Gaza’

John Cleese quits Judea group to form satirical Comedy Party of Gaza.

By Our Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint

EXPENSIVE EATERY, NORTH LONDON – Veteran comedy actor John Cleese announced this morning that he is leaving the People’s Front of Judea — the fictional revolutionary movement immortalised in Monty Python’s Life of Brian — after what he described as “46 years of ideological infighting and very poor catering.”

Cleese, who once portrayed a leading member of the group in the 1979 Biblical satire. He has claimed in a lengthy post on X (formerly Twitter) that he was “tired of endless debates about who’s splitting from whom, and who’s allowed to throw stones at the Romans.” Instead, he plans to launch a new movement called “The Comedy Party of Gaza”, alongside fellow artistic dissidents Roger Waters, Miriam Margolyes, and Maxine Peake — described in the press release as “a coalition of laughter, leftism and light sarcasm.”

What have the Judeans ever done for us?

The announcement was accompanied by a grainy video of Cleese in a keffiyeh, declaring: “We shall fight oppression with wit, punchlines, and the occasional dead parrot.” Waters was reportedly composing the party’s theme song, tentatively titled “Another Brick over the Wall.”

Reactions were swift. A spokesperson for the (fictional) People’s Front of Judea issued a statement condemning Cleese’s departure. Calling it “a betrayal of our long struggle against the Judean People’s Front, the Popular Front of Judea, and now apparently the Comedy Party of Gaza.”

Meanwhile, Cleese appeared unrepentant. “It’s not a schism,” he said, “it’s just a creative difference involving several thousand years of history.”

Political analysts have already begun speculating that the new movement could split within a week. Most likely over whether the word “Gaza” should be pronounced with a hard or soft “G.”

BREAKING: Trump threatens legal action against Suffolk Gazette over ‘fake potato lookalike’ scandal

UK cops point the finger at crooks—literally.

The Editor
-
0
UK cops point the finger at crooks—literally.
UK cops point the finger at crooks

British police tackle rising crime with a nationwide finger-wagging deterrent campaign.

By Our Crime Correspondent: Hugh Dunnett

SCOTLAND YARD, LONDON – In a bold new move hailed as “transformational policing for the 21st century,” Britain’s law enforcement officers have announced they are officially fed up with crime. From petty shoplifting to grand larceny, from graffiti to gun-running, the nation’s constabulary has reached breaking point. Their new plan? To wag their fingers—firmly, decisively, and, if necessary, repeatedly—at offenders.

According to new guidance from the College of Policing, finger-wagging is “a low-cost, high-impact intervention” designed to shame would-be criminals into submission. The manual, entitled Pointing the Way to Safer Streets, instructs officers to make firm eye contact while oscillating the index finger “in a rhythmic but disapproving fashion.”

“It’s about reasserting moral authority,” explained Chief Superintendent Reginald Blenkinsop, who demonstrated the technique at a press conference in Coventry. “It’s non-violent, non-lethal, and only mildly passive-aggressive. Plus, it saves on paperwork.”

What’s the point?

Trials of the new initiative have reportedly seen mixed results. In one instance, a shoplifter in Hull returned a stolen multipack of crisps after receiving “an especially stern wag.” However, in Manchester, a known drug dealer responded by giving officers “the finger” back—leading to what police have described as “a short but complex standoff.”

The National Police Federation has expressed cautious optimism. “Our members are proud to point the finger at crime,” said a spokesperson, “though some have suggested that a baton or taser might still be slightly more effective.”

Home Secretary approval is expected within weeks, with plans to roll out a “WagForce” pilot scheme in high-crime areas by spring.

If successful, the government hopes the scheme could be expanded to other sectors—allowing teachers, nurses, and civil servants to finger-wag their way to a better Britain.

Meanwhile: Norfolk accidents rise as locals point at cars

Trump threatens legal action against Suffolk Gazette over ‘fake potato lookalike’ scandal

The Editor
-
0
Trump threatens legal action against Suffolk Gazette over ‘fake potato lookalike’ scandal
Trump threatens legal action against Suffolk Gazette over ‘fake potato lookalike’ scandal

Trump threatens Suffolk Gazette over potato lookalike story, demands billions.

By Our Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks

The White House has formally declared war on Suffolk’s most notorious satirical news outlet, The Suffolk Gazette. The move follows what officials are calling the “final insult” in the ongoing Trump/BBC fake news saga: a story titled “Spanish Potato Farmer is Donald Trump Double.”

According to sources, President Trump was first made aware of the piece after an aide accidentally printed it out thinking it was a briefing from Fox News. The article, accompanied by a photograph of a ruddy-faced woman farmer, Dolores Leis Antelo, at a farm in Cabana de Bergantiños, Spain, did indeed bear a striking resemblance to the former president, reportedly caused “three minutes of uncontrolled yelling and at least one thrown Diet Coke.”

Ten Billion Dollars

In an official statement, the White House Press Secretary announced that unless The Suffolk Gazette issued a full apology, complete retraction, and payment of £10 billion by next Tuesday, “the President will pursue all available legal remedies, including defamation, deformation, and possibly deforestation.”

The Gazette, famed for its irreverent headlines and creative contempt for authority, has so far refused to comply. In a statement released late last night, Politics Editor Polly Ticks responded in verse:

“Hey Donald, ooh ah, I wanna know-o-o-o-o-oh, why you’re such a c**t?”

The President is said to be “deeply offended,” though insiders claim he’s privately considering whether he could monetise the incident by selling Trump-branded potatoes in time for Thanksgiving.

Downing Street has declined to comment, though a spokesperson noted that “it’s the first time in history a local news outlet has been accused of foreign interference in a U.S. election.”

As of this morning, the Gazette’s servers remain online — though reportedly hidden under straw for protection.

Meanwhile: Britain threatens to invade Switzerland over Toblerone shape row

Farage drops mic, Starmer loses it as PMQs descend into Hip-Hop chaos

The Editor
-
0
Farage drops mic, Starmer loses it as PMQs descend into Hip-Hop chaos
Farage drops mic, Starmer loses it as PMQs descend into Hip-Hop chaos

Farage raps in Parliament; Starmer erupts, chaos and disbelief follow.

By Our Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks

HOUSE OF COMMONS – In what political commentators are already calling “the most bewildering three minutes in parliamentary history,” Nigel Farage appeared at today’s Prime Minister’s Questions dressed in full Gangsta Rap attire — complete with a white fur coat, oversized gold chains, and a Reform Party Tattoo painted onto his bare chest.

Flanked by fellow Reform UK member Richard Tice, who provided a surprisingly competent beatbox accompaniment, Farage launched into his allotted question in the form of a freestyle rap. The performance, delivered with the gravitas of a man convinced he was at the Grammys, included lines about “migrant hotels,” “keeping West Northampton safe tonight,” and a rousing call for “Reform to take control.”

“Yo, Mr Speaker. Time’s tickin’, I’ve only got 30 seconds. The Prime Minister’s plan. Yeah, you better check it. He said it loud, he set it clear, y’all recall. Migrant hotels closed by the end of this Parliament, ya’ll. Now listen up ’cause reform is in control. West Northampton shires on a roll. A brilliant council, Reform-led crew. We’re doing what people want us to do. Foreclosure notices dropping in days. Three migrant hotels, we ain’t here to play. Public’s concerned, and reasons real. Safety of women, that’s the deal. So tell me, Prime Minister, what’s the feel? Would you back us if we sped that wheel? Speed it up, shut it down, make it right. Keep West Northampton safe tonight. Oh!”

Grime Minister’s Questions

At first, MPs appeared stunned, though within seconds several on the backbenches — perhaps out of sheer panic — began to sway rhythmically. The Speaker of the House, Sir Lindsay Hoyle, briefly joined in by nodding his head before realising the cameras were still on.

When the performance ended with a theatrical mic drop, the chamber fell silent. Then, in a moment now trending under #ParliamentPopsOff, Sir Keir Starmer stood, red-faced and visibly shaking, and began shouting “Racist! Racist! Fascists!” repeatedly until restrained by a concerned Rachel Reeves wielding a copy of The Guardian.

Downing Street later issued a statement describing the exchange as “not conducive to constructive debate,” while a visibly unrepentant Farage told reporters outside: “Reform’s got rhythm. Labour’s just got issues.”

Meanwhile: US Rapper 50 Cent rebrands as 1 Pound in Britain

Forget beer goggles, Ipswich footy fans prefer the beer puffa jacket

The Editor
-
0
Forget beer goggles, Ipswich footy fans prefer the beer puffa jacket
Forget beer goggles, Ipswich footy fans prefer the beer puffa jacket

Ipswich Town fans replace beer cups with refillable 45-pint lager jackets.

By Our Football Staff

PORTMAN ROAD, IPSWICH – Ipswich Town Football Club has announced it will replace traditional plastic beer cups with refillable, lager-filled puffer jackets at Portman Road.

The decision follows repeated incidents of half-full pints being hurled onto the pitch during matches, prompting the club to rethink how fans consume their amber nectar. The answer? A transparent, inflatable “beer jacket” capable of holding an impressive 45 pints of lager.

Priced at £9.99 — or free with the purchase of three drinks — the jacket allows fans to quite literally wear their beer. The sleeves, body, and pockets are filled with golden liquid, visibly sloshing as supporters cheer (or sway) through the match. A built-in straw provides easy sipping access, while the zip-up front ensures minimal spillage during goal celebrations or scuffles with stewards.

Club sustainability officer Darren “Daz” Crimble called the innovation “a game-changer for responsible drinking.” He added, “It keeps fans warm, hydrated, and largely stationary — because after 20 pints, you’re not moving anywhere.”

Some supporters have raised practical concerns, including condensation, yeast infections, and the risk of “bursting under pressure.” However, early trials reportedly went well, with one fan declaring it “the best invention since the half-time pie.”

Police and medics are said to be “monitoring the situation closely,” while rival clubs have expressed interest in adopting similar wearable-drink technology.

In a press statement, Ipswich Town said it hoped the beer jackets would “reduce waste, increase comfort, and eliminate unnecessary projectiles.” Whether they’ll eliminate the occasional beer shower remains to be seen — though for now, fans are pulling their zips in approval.

Meanwhile: Man proves tea is more dangerous than beer

British Army unveils “Bunker Buster”: A 133-Kilo weapon of mass consumption

The Editor
-
0
British Army unveils “Bunker Buster”: A 133-Kilo weapon of mass consumption
British Army unveils "Bunker Buster": A 133-Kilo weapon of mass consumption

BATTEFIELD, KIEV – In a move that has left military analysts both baffled and oddly impressed, the British Army has unveiled its latest battlefield innovation: Private Jonathan Squealer, dubbed “The Bunker Buster.”

By Our Defence Editor: Doug Trench

Weighing a formidable 133 kilos and boasting a 52-inch waistline, the Royal Tank Regiment’s pride and joy is not a missile or a drone, but a human battering ram designed to sow chaos among enemy ranks.

Squealer, affectionately nicknamed “Fat Squealer” by his comrades, has served six years in the Army and moonlights as the charismatic leader of the Regiment’s LGBT club. His tactical training? Charging headfirst into crowds of combatants to disrupt formations with sheer, unapologetic mass. “It’s not about finesse,” Squealer said, munching a pasty during a press briefing. “It’s about making them scatter like startled pigeons.”

15 minutes from a snack

Currently deployed in Ukraine, Squealer is training allied soldiers in his unorthodox methods. The regimen reportedly includes consuming industrial quantities of Chicken Kiev to achieve the necessary “combat girth.” Ukrainian recruits, initially skeptical, now swear by the technique, with one soldier noting, “After three Kievs, I felt ready to topple a tank.”

The Ministry of Defence hailed Squealer as “a paradigm shift in warfare,” though critics argue the strategy hinges on enemies being too confused to shoot straight. NATO has expressed cautious interest, with a spokesperson muttering, “It’s… unconventional, but we’ve seen weirder.”

Squealer remains unfazed by the spotlight. “I’m just doing my bit,” he said, adjusting his overstretched uniform. “If I can disrupt a battalion and promote inclusivity, that’s a win-win.” The Bunker Buster rolls on, one Chicken Kiev at a time.

Meanwhile: Cold war bunker heats-up Suffolk property market

Second ‘Hokey Cokey’ migrant returns to Britain’s shores

The Editor
-
0
Second ‘Hokey Cokey’ migrant returns to Britain’s shores
Second ‘Hokey Cokey’ migrant returns to Britain’s shores

Deported migrant returns again, highlighting UK’s confusing, circular immigration system.

By Our Angling Correspondent: Courtney Pike

DOVER, UK – Britain’s already labyrinthine immigration system was thrown into fresh bewilderment this week as a second previously-deported migrant returned to the UK via a small inflatable dinghy—apparently deciding Britain was the reference point for his personal game of “in, out, in, out.”

The Home Office, which had proudly announced the individual’s earlier removal in a press release described internally as “one of the three wins we’ve had this quarter,” was forced to confirm that the man had reappeared in Kent on Tuesday morning. He was found smiling, waving, and reportedly singing what onlookers insist was a melody suspiciously similar to The Hokey Cokey, hence the newly coined term Hokey Cokey Migrants for people who cycle in and out of the system like a bureaucratic revolving door.

You put your left leg in…

Local officials described the man as “remarkably cheerful,” despite being immediately processed into the same paperwork system he had escaped previously. One Border Force officer, speaking anonymously while staring into the middle distance, said, “We really are just printing forms to feed other forms. Sometimes I dream about a form asking me to fill itself in.”

Government sources insist the situation is under control, though they added the same phrase during the Covid response, the exam results algorithm, and the Liz Truss lettuce incident.

Opposition MPs described the returnee as “a symbol of a system that no one fully understands, possibly including the system itself.”

Meanwhile, reports suggest that the illegal was seen carrying a vinyl copy of 80’s pop band, Black Lace’s version of the Hokey Cokey.

123...402Page 1 of 402

Just In

Sport

Business

Features

Contact us