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Sorry about the water, Bill!

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Sorry about the water, Bill!

Northumbrian Water customer billed £52 million a month by mistake.

By Our Consumer Correspondent: Colin Allcabs

Bill Thompson, 62, of Lesbury, thought his world had collapsed this week when a letter from Northumbrian Water informed him that his new monthly bill would be an eye-watering £52 million.

The letter, which cheerfully read, “Fifty-two million pounds a month. We’re asking every household to join in,” sent Thompson into a mild panic. “I nearly choked on my Hobnob,” he told reporters. “Then I dropped my tea on my foot. I’ve had gas bills before, but nothing like this.”

Neighbours reported similar hysteria after receiving identical letters. One pensioner was seen muttering about selling the cat on eBay, while another began Googling how to move to Scotland, “where it always rains, so water must be free.”

Northumbrian Water was quick to clarify the error, explaining that the £52 million figure actually referred to a fundraising target for international charity WaterAid, not an individual customer’s bill. “We would like to reassure customers that they will not, in fact, be charged the GDP of a small nation for their tap water,” a spokesperson said. “We regret any tea-related injuries this misunderstanding may have caused.”

Critics, however, have slammed the wording of the campaign. Consumer watchdogs described it as “the most terrifying piece of post since the TV licence renewal.” Others suggested WaterAid might want to reconsider its approach, with one angry resident quipping, “If they need that much money, they should just privatise rain.”

Thompson, having regained composure (and cleaned his carpet), remains unconvinced. “I wouldn’t mind giving a few quid to charity,” he said, “but £52 million a month? I don’t think my overdraft could take the strain.”

For now, Northumbrian Water customers can breathe easy – though many say they’ll be reading their post with oven gloves and a stiff drink in future.

Sales of ‘Cooking With Poo’ recipe book go straight down the toilet

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Sales of ‘Cooking With Poo’ recipe book go straight down the toilet

Thai chef’s cookbook Cooking With Poo flops due to unfortunate title.

By Our Farming Correspondent (intern): Ivor Traktor

WATERSTONES, LONDON – Thai chef Saiyuud Diwong—affectionately known as “Poo”—has seen sales of her once-celebrated cookbook Cooking With Poo go decidedly off the boil.

The book, whose title refers to Diwong’s nickname (meaning “crab” in Thai), was expected to sell like hot Thai fish cakes. Instead, it’s languishing on bookshop shelves, as bemused shoppers take one look at the cover and promptly decide they’ve lost their appetite.

Winner of the 2011 Diagram Prize for Oddest Title of the Year, Cooking With Poo initially garnered international attention for its unintentional toilet humour. “We thought the name might cause a few giggles,” said a spokesperson for Diwong’s publisher, “but we didn’t anticipate people assuming it was… well, literal.”

Don’t lick the spoon

Diwong, who rose to fame running a community cooking school in Bangkok’s Khlong Toey slum and has even cooked alongside Jamie Oliver, insists the title remains “a source of pride.” “My name is Poo,” she told Thai media, “and I cook. It’s really quite simple.”

However, sales have dropped sharply since the latest reprint hit Western supermarkets, where photos of smiling shoppers holding the book have become the latest meme under the hashtag #NoThanksChef.

Marketing experts suggest a rebrand may be necessary. “Maybe Cooking with Crab would have been a safer bet,” said one PR consultant, “though admittedly less viral.”

Despite the slump, Diwong remains upbeat. “People laugh, but laughter is good for digestion,” she said. “Besides, my recipes are delicious—whatever people think they’re cooking with.”

As one Thai reviewer put it: “It’s not what it sounds like. But try explaining that to someone who just burst out laughing in the cookbook aisle.”

Meanwhile: Woman finds rare white dog poo while holidaying in Suffolk

‘Helmet grab’ was innocent helm control claim retired river-going couple

Innocent river cruise photo went viral and triggered a flood of cheeky offers for “pleasure cruises.”

An innocent river cruise photo went viral and triggered a flood of cheeky offers for “pleasure cruises.”

By Our Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred

RIVER ORWELL, SUFFOLK – A quiet Suffolk couple have found themselves at the centre of a social media storm after what was meant to be a wholesome photo from their river cruise on the Orwell appeared to show something altogether more scandalous.

Maureen Stock, 68, a retired primary school teacher from Woodbridge, shared the image online last weekend, proudly captioning it “Lovely day on the river with Reg 💕.” The photo showed Maureen at the helm of a small pleasure boat, hand on the steering handle, while her husband Reg, 71, stood directly behind her. Unfortunately, due to an unfortunate angle and optical illusion, the positioning made it appear that Maureen was enthusiastically clutching something that was most definitely not nautical equipment.

Within hours, the photo had gone viral, amassing thousands of shares under hashtags like #RiverOrwellScandal and #GripGate. Commenters described it as “the most British sex scandal since Profumo,” while others simply praised Reg for his “confidence at his age.”

Take the helmet

Speaking from her semi-detached home, an indignant Maureen said: “It’s absurd! I was holding the tiller. Reg was standing behind me. It was just the camera angle! People need to get their minds out of the gutter.”

Unfortunately, Maureen’s attempts to clarify only fuelled the fire. She claims to have received “over 300 messages from strange men”, many offering her “free pleasure cruises”, “private yacht tours”, and one particularly bold offer of “a weekend in my cabin, no strings attached.”

A red-faced Reg added, “We’ve learned our lesson — next time, I’ll grab the helm myself.”

Growing calls for Winston Churchill to be reanimated to save Britain

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Growing calls for Winston Churchill to be reanimated to save Britain

Britons demand reanimated Churchill to rescue nation from endless modern chaos.

By Our Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks

CABINET WAR ROOMS, LONDON – Across the United Kingdom, a growing number of weary citizens are calling for the reanimation of Sir Winston Churchill to “sort this whole bloody mess out.” From inflation and immigration to rain-soaked barbecues and rail strikes, many now believe only Britain’s wartime bulldog can bring order to the nation’s ever-expanding catalogue of crises.

A petition launched on social media under the hashtag #BringBackWinston has already attracted over 1.2 million signatures and a surprising number of comments such as “He wouldn’t have stood for this nonsense,” and “He defeated Hitler, surely he can fix Thames Water.”

What to expect

The campaign’s leader, Lowestoft resident Thomas Crinch, chair of the campaign group Residents AGainst Everything (RAGE), said he envisions Churchill being “partially reanimated, maybe from the waist up, just enough to shout at people and smoke a cigar.” Supporters have even proposed funding his resurrection through a special “Spirit of Dunkirk” tax, to be levied on vegan sausage rolls.

Keep calm & carry on

Historians are divided. Professor Lionel Crisp of Oxford warned that “reanimating Churchill may cause diplomatic strain,” pointing out that “the last time he returned to public life, Britain ended up with the Suez Crisis.” Nevertheless, a YouGov poll found that 68% of respondents would prefer a reanimated Churchill in charge to “anyone currently available, alive or otherwise.”

Meanwhile, scientists at Imperial College have reportedly been approached to “look into it.” One anonymous researcher confirmed: “We’ve brought mice back after freezing. Churchill can’t be that much harder.”

For now, Churchill remains at rest—though with public patience at its limit, it seems only a matter of time before someone starts digging up Bladon Churchyard in search of national salvation.

Meanwhile: Petition against Mrs Brown’s Boys Xmas Special hits million mark


Celebrities bare all near Ed Sheeran’s Suffolk home

Celebrities bare all near Ed Sheeran’s Suffolk home

Naked celebrities spotted in Framlingham; locals baffled, Ed Sheeran possibly involved.

By Our Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint

Residents of the quiet Suffolk town of Framlingham say they are “utterly bewildered” after a spate of reports claiming naked and semi-clad celebrities have been spotted wandering the streets in the dead of night.

According to eyewitnesses, the otherwise peaceful market town—best known as the home of pop megastar Ed Sheeran—has recently become the unlikely stage for what one resident described as “a sort of celebrity nudist parade.” Among those allegedly seen “frolicking and carrying on” were former University Challenge host Jeremy Paxman, ex-TV presenter Philip Schofield, and fitness enthusiast Davina McCall.

Testimonies

One local, Mrs Beryl Mott, 68, told the Suffolk Gazette: “It was gone 3am when I looked out and saw what I thought was a streaker. Then I realised it was Jeremy Paxman doing lunges in the car park behind the Co-op.”

Another resident claimed that Schofield was spotted “wearing only a scarf and a smile” near the duck pond, while McCall was seen “encouraging onlookers to join in a spontaneous circuit-training session” in the market square at around 4am.

Police have issued a polite but firm reminder that “Suffolk isn’t Love Island” and that public nudity, however high-profile the participants, “is generally frowned upon.”

Speculation has inevitably turned to Ed Sheeran, whose sprawling Suffolk estate lies just outside the town. However, there is no evidence linking him to the nocturnal antics. A spokesperson for the singer declined to comment, saying only that “Ed was fully clothed and asleep at the time.”

A Serious Warning

Meanwhile, Framlingham Town Council says it is considering erecting new signage to deter celebrity streaking. As one councillor put it drily, “We appreciate the attention, but this isn’t Glastonbury—there’s a limit to how much naked networking we can take.”

Must Read: How Ed Sheeran inspired an East Suffolk property boom

Big Bunny Baffles Bury: 300ft Rabbit Roams Suffolk Countryside

300ft Rabbit Roams Suffolk Countryside

Giant 300-foot rabbit spotted in Suffolk creates carrot chaos.

By Our Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred

BURY ST EDMUNDS – Residents of rural Suffolk were left stunned this week after reports emerged of a 300-foot rabbit roaming the countryside, casually nibbling on hedgerows, flattening allotments, and—according to one eyewitness—“looking slightly confused but otherwise polite.”

The enormous creature, nicknamed Big Flopsy by locals, was first sighted near Bury St Edmunds at dawn on Tuesday, hopping serenely across a barley field. “At first I thought it was the church tower moving,” said villager Pam Draycott. “Then it blinked at me, and I realized I’d either gone mad or Suffolk had a new tourist attraction.”

Authorities have yet to confirm the existence of the giant lagomorph, though Suffolk Police did issue a statement urging residents “not to approach, feed, or attempt to mount the rabbit.” The Ministry of Agriculture, meanwhile, has sent a team of “specialist carrot consultants” to investigate.

Hopping mad

The National Trust has expressed concern about potential damage to heritage sites. “If it heads towards Sutton Hoo, we’re in trouble,” warned a spokesperson. “We barely survived the moles last year.”

Social media has been flooded with blurry photos showing what appear to be two enormous ears silhouetted against the sunrise, while conspiracy theorists online are already speculating that the creature is the result of a government experiment involving Easter eggs, Brexit, and leftover Covid vaccines.

Despite fears, local businesses are embracing the phenomenon. Framlingham’s bakery has launched Bunny Buns, while the pub, The Leaping Hare, reports record bookings for its new “Rabbit Ale Trail.”

When asked for comment, a DEFRA representative sighed: “Frankly, after the pandemic, bird flu, and exploding whales, a 300-foot rabbit is hardly our strangest call this year.”

For now, Suffolk residents remain on alert—armed with binoculars, camera phones, and, just in case, a very large lettuce.

Must Read: We do not bring good luck, insist white rabbits

‘Nobody’ elected as new Labour Deputy Leader

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LONDON, UK – The Labour Party has announced that nobody has been elected as Labour’s new deputy leader following Angela Rayner’s resignation last month.

By Our Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks

The non-entity MP defeated Education Secretary Bridget Phillipson by pledging to give “grassroots members a louder voice” and to push for a “course correction,” though most observers suspect the ship has long since sailed.

After being sacked from the Cabinet in September, nobody won 87,407 votes—nearly 14,000 more than Phillipson—on a turnout of just 16.6%, suggesting that even Labour members struggled to care deeply about the contest.

Waste of space

In a victory speech delivered from behind an empty podium, no-one declared that the party needed to be “bolder,” promising to be a “champion for Labour values,” a statement that drew polite applause from an audience unsure whether they’d heard this before (they had).

“I’ll help Keir and our government to succeed,” said nobody, “but we must change how we’re doing things to turn things around,” prompting analysts to agree that, yes, “turning things around” would indeed be a start.

Nobody also promised to “bring voices” from the grassroots “to the heart of the party,” though critics noted that the heart of the party has been clinically flatlining for some time.

Addressing the rise of Reform UK, the empty stage insisted Labour must “wrestle back the political megaphone,” adding that “trying to out-Reform Reform” was futile—a rare point on which everyone agreed.

Political commentators described the result as “a victory for continuity mediocrity,” while insiders said nobody was exactly what the Labour leadership wanted: loyal, unthreatening, and unlikely to make headlines.

Meanwhile: Suffolk Council pledges to DOUBLE parking line restrictions

The Thrill of the Draw: How Real-Time Number Betting Redefines Player Engagement

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There is something magnetic about waiting for a result you cannot control. That small pause before the reveal, the flicker of anticipation, the heartbeat that quickens without reason. Real-time number betting builds its whole experience around that feeling. Instead of slow sessions or long waits, the action moves fast, alive from the first second. Platforms like betway, offering number bet games, have captured that rhythm perfectly, turning simple number draws into short bursts of energy that feel closer to gaming than to the old idea of casino play.

A Faster Kind of Play

In older betting formats, you made your move and waited. There was time to think, sometimes too much of it. Real-time number betting changed that. Each round happens live, right in front of you. The countdown starts, the draw begins, and before you realize it, the next one is ready. It mirrors the pulse of mobile games, quick enough to keep your focus but never rushed.

It is not about watching numbers appear on a screen. It is about being part of the moment as it unfolds. Every second counts, every click matters. That sense of speed keeps you alert, connected, and ready for what comes next.

The Design Behind the Energy

The secret behind this kind of gameplay lies in design.That moment right before the result always seems to last forever. You feel it linger, a quiet second that pulls you in, and then it’s gone. The next draw starts before you’ve even had time to breathe. It keeps you there, focused but easy, half playing, half watching, caught in the flow without even trying. You just do it.

Betway and other platforms have learned that players respond best when things feel effortless. There is no clutter, no lag, no extra noise. The game moves smoothly, with each sound and visual cue leading you from one round to another. It is not flashy. It is steady, balanced, and built around flow.

Shared Suspense

What makes it feel different is that everyone shares the same instant. The draw happens live, right there, and for a brief moment the whole room, wherever people are, seems to hold its breath. You can almost sense that quiet pause tying everyone together, all waiting for the same thing to appear. You are not just playing anymore. You are part of something that moves together, even if you never say a word. It feels like watching a live event, except now your reactions matter.

That shared anticipation gives each round a pulse. The moment before the result feels longer than it is, and then it’s gone, replaced by the next one. It keeps you in the loop, aware but relaxed, like a player and a spectator at once.

More Than Just Numbers

The draw itself may look simple, but the feeling it creates is not. Real-time number betting connects movement, reaction, and chance in a way that feels modern and human. It fits perfectly on mobile screens, where people play, watch, and live at the same time.

In the end, it is not really about the numbers. It is about that breath you take before they appear. The wait, the flash, and the tiny moment when anything could happen.