Baguette-Leg Marathon Hopeful Sets Sights on Charity Record
By Our Sports Correspondent: Bernie Legg
LAKENHEATH, SUFFOLK – In what organisers are describing as “the most carbohydrate-intensive athletic attempt in British history,” former soldier Corporal Mark Henshaw (ret.) has unveiled the custom baguette prosthetic limbs he plans to use in next month’s Charity Ultra-Marathon.
Henshaw, who lost both legs during active service, said the idea came to him during a late-night supermarket run, when he noticed the “structural integrity and surprising aerodynamic qualities” of a supermarket French stick. Teaming up with a local prosthetics lab—and, reportedly, a very confused artisan baker—he commissioned a pair of easily attachable, bakery-fresh baguette legs.
Army leggy
At a press conference held outside Greggs, Henshaw explained his motivation with military bluntness. “People run marathons dressed as rhinos and telephone boxes. I figured two baguettes for legs wasn’t that outrageous. And if it makes people donate more, then crack on.”
Early test runs have apparently gone “remarkably well and charities have already expressed delight at his campaign, with donations topping £42,000 before the first official training mile. A spokesperson for Veterans Forward called the stunt “a perfect mix of bravery, innovation, and complex carbohydrates.”
If all goes to plan, Henshaw hopes to break the unofficial record for “Fastest Marathon Completed on Baked Prosthetics,” currently held by a man who ran the 2019 London Marathon wearing bloomer running shoes.
Asked what comes next, Henshaw hinted at further bakery-based innovations. “If these work,” he said, “I might try crumpet elbow pads.”
Hollywood’s Ben Affleck quietly takes shelf-stacking job at Tesco Lowestoft, Suffolk.
By Our Angling Correspondent: Courtney Pike
Residents of Lowestoft were left doing double-takes this week after spotting Hollywood A-lister Ben Affleck stacking tins of own-brand spaghetti hoops in the Tesco Extra on Leisure Way. Affleck, 53, who has starred in blockbuster films such as Argo, Batman v Superman, and the lesser-remembered Gigli, has reportedly taken up a part-time shelf-filling role after what insiders are calling a “temporary lull” in major movie opportunities.
Customers initially assumed the man in the navy Tesco fleece was simply a very tired lookalike. But doubts evaporated when the real Affleck was photographed behind the store, smoking a cigarette and staring into the abyss with the sort of expression last seen during his Sad Affleck interview days. One witness reported, “He looked like a man who’d just been asked where the gluten-free couscous is for the 14th time.”
Tesco Suffolk
Tesco management have insisted they “treat all colleagues equally,” though staff claim there was a brief scramble when someone asked whether he could sign their Clubcard. A spokesperson confirmed that Affleck works the early morning shift “mainly on ambient goods, occasionally helping in the bakery when he’s feeling brave.”
Sources close to the actor say the move is part of a “personal reset,” allowing him to focus on “simple, grounding tasks” like aligning jars of own-brand mayonnaise and being berated by customers for the self-checkout machines’ refusal to scan bananas.
Locals, meanwhile, have embraced their new celebrity stock assistant. One regular shopper said, “It’s nice to see someone from Hollywood finally doing an honest day’s work. And he put my lasagna in a bag without squashing it, which is more than I can say for some.”
When asked whether he plans to return to movies, Affleck reportedly shrugged and said, “Maybe. Depends on what the rota looks like.”
Local burger van rebrands “Two Guys” after Five Guys opens opposite.
By Our Consumer Correspondent: Colin Allcabs
IPSWICH – A longtime burger van operator has re-branded his van “Two Guys”, after last week’s grand opening of a branch of the US fast-food giant Five Guys opposite his pitch.
Owner Kevin Kakan, 29, told reporters he wasn’t deterred by the arrival of the multinational chain — in fact, their arrival “gave me a good laugh, and an idea.” Having spotted a second-hand van emblazoned in red-and-white checkers (eerily similar to Five Guys’ house colours), he bought it for £10,000 and turned it into “Two Guys,” parked directly opposite the new outlet.
Kakan claims business is already brisk despite the inclement Suffolk weather. “We cook everything fresh, we do breakfast rolls, bacon, sausages, burgers — and we’re open long hours,” he said. “If those big burgers are too pricey, we’re the lads doing it cheap and cheerful.”
Two into five don’t go
According to regulars and early customers, the atmosphere is part greasy-spatula charm, part underdog coup. One local motorist waiting for his order shouted over the sizzle: “Mate, I ain’t going for fries that cost me more than my house — I’ll have a bacon bap from Two Guys, thanks!”
Predictably, rev-head satire soon followed on social media. One user quipped, “Five Guys vs Two Guys: welcome to burger-gate 2025.” Others speculated about potential legal action, but Kakan remained unruffled: “If they’ve got a problem, they can always open ‘Three Guys’ next door. More burgers for everyone.”
For now, “Two Guys” continues trading — offering burgers, breakfast baps and quick bites to customers who value affordability, attitude, and a side of cheeky defiance. Whether the name will hold or become the next fast-food punchline remains to be seen.
LONDON – In a bold tribute to 80 years of post-war progress, the Royal Mail has announced a commemorative set of stamps to mark the anniversary of Victory in Europe Day, reminding the public precisely what the “greatest generation” gave their lives to protect.
By Our Consumer Correspondent: Colin Allcabs
The four-stamp collection, tastefully entitled “What We Fought For”, is said to reflect the “rich tapestry” of modern Britain—a nation forged in the fires of wartime heroism and now smouldering in a peculiar kind of domestic chaos.
First up: a poignant image of uncollected rubbish festering on the streets of Birmingham, representing the enduring British value of stubborn local government disputes. Next, a touching snapshot of illegal migrants in dinghies crossing the Channel, said to symbolise “our proud maritime history and global appeal.”
The third stamp features a group of university students protesting passionately for trans rights, capturing the essence of Britain’s vibrant tradition of shouting at statues. Rounding off the set is a dramatic scene of a London street protest, with angry Muslims waving Palestinian flags—an image Royal Mail insists “reflects our proud commitment to free speech, conditional on not upsetting the Daily Mail.”
First class woke
A spokesperson for the Royal Mail said the stamps “celebrate the diverse ways in which Britain has evolved—or at least changed direction—since Sir Winston Churchill lit a cigar and declared Europe victorious.”
Critics have called the collection “deeply unpatriotic,” while supporters insist it’s “First class woke!”
Vera Lynn could not be reached for comment, on account of having passed away, though one imagines the bluebirds might be circling overhead in quiet confusion.
The stamp set will be available from May 8th, Victory in Europe Day.
NORFOLK – A new chapter in the ancient feud between Norfolk and Suffolk unfolded this week as Norfolk County Council unveiled a series of roadside signs at key border crossings, reading: “WARNING TO TOURISTS: DO NOT LAUGH AT THE NATIVES.”
By Our Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred
The move, described by Norfolk officials as a “necessary step to preserve the dignity of rural life,” has already sparked outrage among Suffolk residents, who claim it is the latest attempt by Norfolk to “overcompensate” for its widely mocked image as the land of slow-moving tractors and indecipherable accents.
The rivalry between the two counties is well-documented, with Norfolk priding itself on its big skies, medieval churches, and what it calls an “unparalleled sense of sensible country living.” Meanwhile, Suffolk styles itself as the more refined cousin, boasting picturesque landscapes, cultural sophistication, and a vague but persistent belief that it is somehow superior.
Strange dialect
A spokesperson for Norfolk County Council defended the signs, stating, “We’ve ‘ad reports of visiting Londoners and the occasional Cambridgeshire interloper snickering at our way of loife. We simply aaaask that people respect local customs, such as the correct pronunciation of ‘hurr’ and the understanding that a ‘quick trip’ often involves an A-road, a livestock delay, and at least one unplanned detour to a faaarm shop.”
Suffolk officials, for their part, have responded with characteristic disdain. “Frankly, we don’t see the need for such signs in Suffolk,” said one local councillor. “But then again, we have fewer reasons to be laughed at.”
Tourists remain bemused by the escalating antics, but all agree on one thing: at least neither county is Cambridgeshire.
PINK LIGHT DISTRICT, IPSWICH – History will be made next Friday as Ipswich Gay Bar, The Rainbow Room, plays host to the inaugural World Transgender Darts Tournament.
By Our Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred
Players of various genders from across the globe will gather to compete in a thrilling display of darting prowess, all in the hopes of securing the grand prize: two tickets to Mamma Mia! The Party at London’s O2 Arena.
Despite the tournament’s groundbreaking significance, it remains uncertain whether Dutch darts sensation Noa-Lynn van Leuven, the first openly transgender person to compete in the PDC World Darts Championship, will attend. Organisers have remained tight-lipped on potential high-profile appearances, though they have confirmed that several local pub-league legends, including one contestant who identifies as “gender-fluid but still rubbish at darts,” will be in attendance.
Double top surgery
The event will also mark the official debut of the newly sanctioned LGBTQ+ rainbow dartboard, a controversial addition that, while symbolically inclusive, has been criticized by early testers for making it “practically impossible” to aim. “It’s a fantastic statement,” admitted one organizer, “but after a few drinks, no one can actually see where the bullseye is.”
The tournament follows a landmark moment in darts earlier this year when Huw Ware, from Cardiff, became the first openly gay man to officiate a PDC World Darts Championship final, overseeing Luke Littler’s historic victory. Ware has reportedly been invited to referee the Ipswich event but is said to be weighing his options, given the logistical challenges of making fair calls on a dartboard that looks like a Pride parade exploded.
Tickets to the event are free for anyone attending in a gender other than their own.
Nothing disrupts a quiet Suffolk afternoon quite like a digital surprise, and in 2025, it wasn’t a storm, a traffic alert on the A14, or even a surprise Ipswich Town signing that made residents pause mid-brew. Instead, it was the sudden realisation that you can get 25 free spins on registration at select UK online casinos, no deposit required.
Within hours of the promotion resurfacing across Suffolk’s busy social channels (from Kesgrave to Lowestoft), kettles fell silent, mugs of Earl Grey cooled tragically, and an unexpected wave of gaming enthusiasm swept across the county.
This wasn’t just another online bonus. It became a moment of local cultural chaos, a digital flash mob of curious residents signing up for a quick spin (or twenty-five), all while promising: “Just five minutes, love, then I’ll finish the washing-up.”
A Local Sensation: Why Suffolk Reacted So Dramatically
Suffolk may be known for its coastal charm, farmland views, and calm pace of life, but the county also leads the way in adopting digital entertainment trends.
Local gamers, casual players, and even first-timers were drawn in by the same irresistible trifecta:
Free entertainment
No financial commitment
Instant sign-up from mobile
It did not hurt that people across the county, from Bury St Edmunds students to Felixstowe commuters, are already used to doing everything on their phone. Signing up for a bonus that costs nothing and takes seconds fits perfectly into Suffolk’s growing digital-first lifestyle.
Even Suffolk’s older residents, many of whom are proudly tech-savvy, joined in. One Woodbridge grandmother reportedly paused her gardening to “see what all the fuss was about,” according to family group-chat updates.
The New Digital Routine of Suffolk Players
While tea went cold nationwide (a tragic headline in itself), Suffolk residents were busy exploring online gaming platforms offering a no-deposit bonus designed for newcomers.
What makes 25 free spins on registration such a phenomenon is its accessibility. It removes nearly all barriers to entry. There are no card details, no commitment, no pressure. Players can try out games instantly without depositing a penny.
This fast, frictionless access aligns with wider UK online behaviour, especially in counties like Suffolk, where:
Mobile usage is rising
Casual gaming is socially normalised
Value-driven bonuses generate massive interest
Online casino bonuses have become a form of digital entertainment in their own right. A few quick spins during a lunch break, before a train ride, or while the kettle boils is now part of a modern routine.
What Suffolk Players Look for in No-Deposit Bonuses
While the excitement generated by the 25-spin trend was clearly humorous and unexpected, the interest itself comes from a very real shift in UK online gaming habits. Suffolk players look for:
Players want transparency and withdrawable winnings
Trusted platforms
Safety is top priority for new UK players
This explains why a local headline-worthy trend started with something as simple as free spins. It gives Suffolk players a risk-free “test drive” into online gaming.
Why Free Spin Bonuses Thrive in the UK
Online gaming experts widely recognise that no-deposit free-spin offers are more than just marketing; they are a gateway to safe, controlled, introductory gameplay.
Isobel Coughlan, iGaming Expert at Mr. Gamble, summarises the phenomenon perfectly: “Free spin bonuses work so well in the UK because they give players a pressure-free way to explore a platform. Suffolk players, especially, appreciate offers that let them try the games first before deciding if they want to continue.”
Her insight reflects what we’re seeing locally: free spin offers empower players to experiment, compare platforms, and enjoy entertainment on their own terms without any financial exposure.
Even when excitement is high, Suffolk players remain sensible. They want verified, trustworthy, licensed platforms, especially when bonuses sound “too good to be true.” In this case, they’re not.
The National Cyber Security Centre (NCSC) offers clear updated guidance on safe digital behaviour, online privacy, and fraud prevention, which is valuable information for anyone exploring online gaming in the UK.
Suffolk residents tend to take these guidelines seriously. The county’s combination of digital curiosity and cautious optimism means players favour verified brands and platforms that prioritise:
Transparent bonus terms
Clear wagering requirements
Reputable payment methods
Strong customer support
Mobile-friendly user experience
That’s why the free-spins trend didn’t turn into chaos or confusion. Suffolk players knew exactly how to evaluate safe, high-quality gaming sites.
How the 25 Free Spins Trend Spread Across Suffolk
Local Facebook groups, Ipswich Town fan forums, WhatsApp chats, and even seaside community pages all played a role. What began as a handful of excited posts about free spins quickly turned into a light-hearted county-wide frenzy.
Residents joked about:
Abandoned cups of tea
Cold roast dinners
Delayed chores
“Back in a sec”, turning into 20 minutes
It became Suffolk’s version of a viral moment; small, harmless, entertaining, and incredibly British.
Even the local humour reflected the county’s personality:
“Paused my walk along Aldeburgh beach to see what this 25 spins business is about.”
“Might reheat my tea later. Priorities.”
“This is the most excitement we’ve had since the new M&S café opened.”
In a world full of stressful headlines, Suffolk’s free spins afternoon became a fun, collective distraction.
Will This Become a Regular Suffolk Tradition?
Given how quickly the trend took hold, many believe we’ll see similar bursts of excitement again. Suffolk is a county with:
A strong appetite for digital entertainment
High mobile adoption
A preference for low-risk online experiences
A sense of community humour
Free spin incentives fit perfectly within that cultural mix.
And while the nationwide headline of “Tea Goes Cold” was obviously playful, it also speaks to a deeper truth: digital entertainment is now woven into everyday UK life, even in counties known for their slower, more traditional pace.
Suffolk’s Warm Welcome to Cold Tea and Hot Bonuses
What started as a simple discovery turned into a fun moment of county-wide unity. Suffolk residents, young, old, coastal, rural, and town-based, joined in the excitement of exploring a no-risk gaming bonus. And yes, many cups of tea were abandoned in the process.
As long as online casinos continue offering accessible, no-deposit bonuses, Suffolk’s enthusiasm will remain strong. There’s something wonderfully British about it: calm, pragmatic, humorous, and just a little bit cheeky.
WASHINGTON, D.C., USA – Former UK Prime Minister Liz Truss was recently photographed strolling through the U.S. capital in a blue coat, bright red MAGA hat, and lugging her suitcase, sparking immediate comparisons to Britain’s beloved marmalade-loving bear, Paddington.
By Our Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks
Observers couldn’t help but draw parallels between the two iconic figures. Truss’s earnest expression, practical luggage, and questionable headwear reportedly had tourists asking whether she was auditioning for the role of Paddington in an unauthorized American reboot.
However, the comparisons ended there. While Paddington, a to all intents and purposes illegal immigrant from “darkest Peru,” remains a cherished national treasure in the UK, Truss’s tenure as prime minister left a slightly less heartwarming legacy.
“Let’s be honest: even if Paddington crashed a freight train full of marmalade into the Bank of England, he’d still be more welcome back home than Liz Truss,” quipped one commentator.
We don’t Truss Liz
Social media was predictably merciless. One post read: “Paddington brought joy to the nation. Liz Truss brought a budget that tanked the pound. No contest.” Another suggested that Truss might fare better in Washington politics, where economic chaos is often seen as a rite of passage.
Truss has remained tight-lipped about the fashion controversy, though insiders suggest the MAGA hat was simply a last-minute airport purchase to shield her from the glare of harsh political memories.
Rumours suggest that Truss is considering swapping marmalade sandwiches for a more modest peanut butter option—though her political baggage, like her suitcase, appears far heavier than Paddington’s.
