SAINT HELIER, JERSEY –  Authorities are investigating what they are calling the “coldest, most calculated murder of a television character in recent memory,” following the broadcast of the BBC’s much-anticipated Bergerac reboot, which aired its first episode this week. The victim: Detective Sergeant Jim Bergerac. The cause of death: character assassination.

Crime Correspondent: Hugh Dunnett

Early forensic analysis indicates that the attack was premeditated. The suspect, Damien Molony, was seen brooding at the scene, delivering what investigators describe as a “whisper-heavy” performance so lacking in vitality, viewers feared their remotes had malfunctioned. Unlike John Nettles’ charismatic original portrayal, Molony’s Jim Bergerac appeared “emotionally anaesthetised, frequently inaudible, and seemingly unsure of why he was present.”

Former lead John Nettles, reportedly offered a cameo, declined to return. Sources suggest the script “reeked of betrayal.”

Crime Scene

The crime scene is notably absent of one of its most crucial witnesses: the island of Jersey. Once a vivid, ever-present co-star, the island’s granite cliffs, winding lanes, and tax-sheltering charm have been erased. Aerial surveillance confirms barely a trace remains. “It’s like Jersey entered witness protection,” said one baffled fan.

Meanwhile, key supporting characters have also vanished without explanation. Charles Hungerford, Jim Bergerac’s roguish uncle, has been replaced in a vague, unconvincing gender update. Diamante Lil, the island’s beloved rumour mill and human glitterball, has been airbrushed out entirely — a disappearance fans are calling “suspicious and culturally reckless.”

The Investigation

Primary suspects in the creative homicide — writers Toby Whithouse, Brian Fillis, Catherine Tregenna, and Polly Buckle — are believed to have used the Jim Bergerac name “for personal gain,” according to sources close to the investigation. A 1949 Triumph Roadster was found at the scene, apparently unharmed.

Locals are calling for justice. A small memorial has appeared near Saint Helier harbour. It reads simply: “He died as he lived: solving crimes. Sadly, this one was his own reboot.”

Case Closed.

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