Tuesday, May 14, 2024

I heart Gary Lineker, says fat competition loser

I heart Gary Lineker, says fat competition loser

A Gary Lineker fan & lovesick housewife from Peasenhall, E.Suffolk has only gone and eaten a crisp worth £100k!

Joanne Craddock  (28), a trainee bone washer at Pedigree Chum, unknowingly ate a rare heart-shaped crisp that could have won her £100k as part of a promotional competition being run by Walkers Crisps. Walkers dangled the cash prize in front of British potato chip consumers in a blatant attempt to recoup massive losses incurred in the wake of the ‘Gary Lineker is an entitled gobby Pratt’ scandal that recently engulfed the BBC and brought the popular snack brand into disrepute.

Benefit Cheetos

Singleton Craddock – a Gary Lineker fan whose body mass index is 42.1 – way above the healthy average of 20, was so amazed to find the perfectly shaped crispy delight in her packet of Cheese and Onion that she photographed it and sent it to an unemployed friend… before stuffing it into her gob.

We spoke to fatty Craddock (Gary Lineker fan) as she tucked into a king-size bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos on a break from her shift at Pedigree Chum. We asked her how gutted out of ten she was to have eaten a cash fortune. “Mnya, nya, yum, chna, yum, chomp, chomp, slobber, BUUUURP!”

Okay. So you didn’t know there was a competition on to find the elusive crisp? “Nyaa, slobber, slurp, chomp, chomp, gobble, mnya, glak, BELCH!”

So… out of ten? How gutted? “Mnya.”

Leicester said the better

We contacted Gary Lineker to see what he had to say about it. “As everyone knows, I have a long-standing, well-paid relationship with Walkers, and they have supported me and my campaign to feed illegal immigrants, sorry, economic migrants, sorry, asylum seekers crisps.

Crisps are, let us not forget, made of potatoes, which, let us not forget, we wouldn’t even have if it wasn’t for immigrant vegetable pickers, sorry, I mean economic migrants, sorry, I mean asylum seekers, and those fleeing war in Ukraine. Did I tell you I have a Ukrainian refugee living with us?

Gary Lineker fan

Oh, I did, did I? Okay. Anyway, let us not forget that crisps are hard to come by in third-world countries, which is why economic migrants, sorry, I mean illegal immigrants, sorry, sex-slaves, come here for sanctuary in order to eat crisps without fear of torture, or persecution for their crisp beliefs. Did you know that it is illegal to eat Bacon Wheat Crunchies in Albania?”

We only wanted a comment about the heart-shaped crisp, Gary, ffs.

A spokesman for Walkers told the GAZETTE “We are really sorry that Miss Craddock (Gary Lineker fan) missed out on the £100k. Really, really sorry. Kind of.”

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