SUFFOLK, UK – Betty Snickers, 51, an office cleaner from Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk, has taken the term “office revolt” to a whole new level.
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent
Incensed by her meager wages of 7p p/week, Snickers, determined to air her grievances in the most public way possible, decided to pilfer none other than the iconic Henry vacuum cleaner from her employer’s office.
Looking like a demented dog walker, Snickers made her getaway with the lovable red vacuum in tow, trailing it behind her as she navigated the streets of Bury St Edmunds. Passersby gawked in disbelief as the cleaning crusader paraded the stolen Henry past office blocks and across zebra crossings.
Standing out like a cheap hooker at a Women’s Institute AGM, local authorities soon caught up with the tired old scrubber. When apprehended, Snickers offered a passionate defense, stating, “You b******s can f**k right off. I ain’t gonna clean their f*****g toilets which are always skidded up to the rim no more, at least not until they pay me what I’m worth… and that’s a f*****g lot! Suck it up!”
Spick and Spam
Betty Snickers’ audacious escapade ultimately cost her more than just a Henry vacuum. Her employer, determined to ‘clean house’ in their own way, promptly handed her her P45, thus ending her valiant battle against her callous, capitalist oppressor.
In a statement, her ex-employer, Iceberg Insurance Ltd said, “While we admire Betty’s, ahem, creativity, theft is not an acceptable form of negotiation. I can confirm that we have terminated Betty’s employment forthwith and handed back to her the contents of her locker.
The details of which I will not divulge, except to say that a pair of oversized, soiled knickers and a half-eaten tin of Spam were included. We have already found a Pole to fill the cleaning vacancy job, and we shall not be making any further comment.”
The filthy saga of Betty Snickers, the Henry heist heroine, has come to an untimely conclusion. While her intentions were pure, her execution was undeniably a dirty, dirty deed.