BROKEN BRITAIN – In the latest cruel twist of the never-ending, ever-upward-spiralling cost-of-living crisis, British drinkers have been forced to ration their alcohol intake to a single thimble’s worth per week—a government-approved unit now affectionately known as the “Misery Measure.”

By Our Angling Correspondent: Courtney Pike

With alcohol duty increasing again, particularly on anything that isn’t a lukewarm pint of weak pub cider, the great British tradition of drowning one’s sorrows is now officially out of budget. As a result, the UK’s once-lively pubs are disappearing at an alarming rate, with an average of 18 closing every week since 2023.

“It’s an absolute outrage,” lamented Barry Grumble, a 62-year-old former regular at The Dog & Struggle in Suffolk. “The laaast time I went to the purb, a point of lager cost me more than moi gaaaas bill. I ordered a ’alf to save money, and the baaarman just laaaughed at me and handed me an empty shot glass.”

Pissed away

With booze now an unaffordable luxury, many Brits have taken drastic steps, including switching to home-brewed bathtub gin or attempting to ferment their own beer out of potatoes and despair. Meanwhile, landlords are reinventing their businesses, with one ex-publican in Manchester converting his bar into a “Pint Museum”, where punters can pay to look at what beer used to be like.

The government, in response, insists that these latest tax hikes and pub closures are actually good for the nation’s health. “Yes, people can no longer afford to drink,” said a Treasury spokesperson. “But on the bright side, neither can they afford to eat unhealthily or heat their homes, so it’s really a win-win for public health.”

Britain—stone-cold sober and absolutely miserable.