Britons demand reanimated Churchill to rescue nation from endless modern chaos.
By Our Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks
CABINET WAR ROOMS, LONDON – Across the United Kingdom, a growing number of weary citizens are calling for the reanimation of Sir Winston Churchill to “sort this whole bloody mess out.” From inflation and immigration to rain-soaked barbecues and rail strikes, many now believe only Britain’s wartime bulldog can bring order to the nation’s ever-expanding catalogue of crises.
A petition launched on social media under the hashtag #BringBackWinston has already attracted over 1.2 million signatures and a surprising number of comments such as “He wouldn’t have stood for this nonsense,” and “He defeated Hitler, surely he can fix Thames Water.”
What to expect
The campaign’s leader, Lowestoft resident Thomas Crinch, chair of the campaign group Residents AGainst Everything (RAGE), said he envisions Churchill being “partially reanimated, maybe from the waist up, just enough to shout at people and smoke a cigar.” Supporters have even proposed funding his resurrection through a special “Spirit of Dunkirk” tax, to be levied on vegan sausage rolls.
Keep calm & carry on
Historians are divided. Professor Lionel Crisp of Oxford warned that “reanimating Churchill may cause diplomatic strain,” pointing out that “the last time he returned to public life, Britain ended up with the Suez Crisis.” Nevertheless, a YouGov poll found that 68% of respondents would prefer a reanimated Churchill in charge to “anyone currently available, alive or otherwise.”
Meanwhile, scientists at Imperial College have reportedly been approached to “look into it.” One anonymous researcher confirmed: “We’ve brought mice back after freezing. Churchill can’t be that much harder.”
For now, Churchill remains at rest—though with public patience at its limit, it seems only a matter of time before someone starts digging up Bladon Churchyard in search of national salvation.
Meanwhile: Petition against Mrs Brown’s Boys Xmas Special hits million mark
