After a ruling made by the official Court of Social Media, Ipswich Town have been stripped of their right to play football.
It was found that the Suffolk outfit has flouted rules contrary to trading standards since 2004, having ceased to play what can realistically be described as ‘football’ around said time when ex-Norwich hard man and former MP for South Northampton Joe Royle accomplished his dastardly inside mission of stopping Ipswich from gaining promotion.
Despite facing a backlash from the pitchfork-wielding Portman Road faithful, and the dozens of fans that infest the terraces every other Saturday, a spokesperson for the prosecution has stated that this is a “justified, long-overdue move”. He added that the team had “stagnated like an awful Dad Joke at a wedding” in the Fizzy Pop Championship, taking up room needed for teams with genuine promotion aspirations, such as Greys Athletic, Arsenal reserves and Sacramento Kings.
Ipswich fans, along with many locals of Suffolk’s thriving answer to Swindon, are split as to how the club can now be repurposed. While there are isolated calls from an invisible, silent, non-existent minority of residents to turn the stadium into a Turnip Bowling green – as it was in the years prior Ipswich Town FC’s formation in 1784 – it is believed that the club will now play rugby from 2020 onwards.
In addition to such reports, there are plans in place to hire several players from the World Cup-winning South Africa squad. Consistently in the top three of the latest rugby union betting outright odds, the Boks are the very best around, so a few signings from South Africa could truly bolster Ipswich’s team of underdog rugby union sensations.
The ‘Boks’ are, of course, named aptly after the sound the egg-ball makes upon contact with a boot, prior to flying over the extra-high crossbar – which for some inexplicable reason causes the crowd to cheer.
Former South Africa players Francois Louw and ‘The Beast’ have already gone from the Boks’ squad, but the pipeline is still full of players that can fit into the Ipswich starting XV and have success. That is not to say Ipswich’s desperate pursuit of sporting glory in any earthly form will not be without some star quality, which many argue will get the fans turning up en-masse and mouthing off as if they could play better.
Already in the pipeline to play rugby for Ipswich Town are up and coming singer/ginger/songwriter Edward Sheeran, early-2000s cult hero Fabian Wilnis and three blokes from iconic television series Love Island. Ultimately, there is a feeling of optimism that the team will progress nicely in the coming years, finally giving Suffolk’s array of big-eared boys on farms good reason to leave their sheds full of twenty-foot high chickens of a weekend and roar on a new team made up of (mostly) local heroes.