Monday, February 12, 2024

Muffled Complaints After Trial Of New Everlasting Gobstopper Fails

A small town in Suffolk has erupted with complaints after the trial of everlasting gobstoppers once thought the realm of fiction (and dubious movie adaptations). The immovable gobstoppers were trialed in Sizewell, known locally for its fishing and nuclear energy plants.

Muffled Complaints After Trial Of New Everlasting Gobstopper Fails

Interest In Sweet Things

The ambitious move to create everlasting sweets was spearheaded by an anonymous think tank that chose Britain due to its confectioner history. Britain’s obsession with sweet stuff goes back centuries and continues to be strong today. Even outside of confectionery, it’s common for marketing departments up and down the country to tap into the mouth-watering appeal of sweets. Even online, where Britain is a hub for iGaming, users play Sweet Bonanza at Paddy Power, a slot game that is themed after hard sweets, lollipops, and fruit. So it’s not just the confectionary companies that know how to appeal to sweet-toothed Brits.

As for why Britain has a sweet tooth, the BBC says you can thank the Quakers. Being shrewd and charitable trailblazers back in the day, Quakers gave us the influential Cadbury, Fry, and Rowntree families that led our confectionery industry way back when. They still do, though the think tank is taking aim at them with their never-ending jawbreakers.

Scientific Breakthrough

When announcing the trial, the think tank sent a press release to local media groups to drum up interest. It explained that these everlasting gobstoppers are the result of decades of research and development. So long, in fact, that any other representation of the idea in media is a coincidence and litigation is pending.

Naturally, the release didn’t disclose how they cracked infinite candy. If the trial is successful, they plan to license out their breakthrough to confectioners all over the world, creating a competitive marketplace to inspire further development in the field. For now, they’re keeping their scientific discovery under wraps until they can make it business worthy.

New Everlasting Gobstopper Fails

The Complaints

Once trialed, the complaints started coming in thick and fast. Concerned and skeptical residents were approached on the street by our team, where they could air their grievances. Here are a select few:

‘I don’t like them, myself. They call ‘em gobstoppers but it doesn’t stop my husband nattering, does it? If anything, it makes his chewing sounds worse.”

‘Terr a bid big, uhrn’t tey?’

‘Hang on… If they last forever, nobody would buy more. Why would a company ever do that? Do you rent it, like a Netflix subscription? Bit silly, innit? Even cars and phones are made to go off.’

After that last response went viral, the think tank put an immediate stop to the trial and began the unenviable task of getting their gobstoppers back.

Investopedia explains that planned obsolescence is real and at the heart of many businesses. Turns out, it’s important to the confectionery business too. Analysts have said that after so much R&D, there’s no way that these gobstoppers are a loss leader – it costs a lot to make them – making this a failed experiment.

As evidence of the trial is being wiped from the internet, we’ll put this one next to breeding dinosaurs or teaching AI how to sing – just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

🤞 Get our stories on email

We don’t spam! Read more in our privacy policy

Oh hi there 👋
It’s nice to meet you.

Sign up to receive awesome content, weekly in your inbox.

We don’t spam! Read our Privacy Policy for more info.

We Love to see you on our Twitter / X