Scottish granny nearly dies after losing Irn-Bru, rescued by son.

By Our Crime Correspondent: Hugh Dunnett

A Scottish granny narrowly avoided tragedy this week after being rendered almost immobile by a sudden and severe shortage of her favourite soft drink, Irn-Bru. Irma Killdunny, 82, of Aberdeen, reportedly relies on the orange-hued beverage almost exclusively, describing it as “the only thing keeping the joints moving and the soul ticking.”

According to family sources, the crisis began when Mrs Killdunny could not locate her usual crate of 24 cans, a shortage that quickly escalated into what medical observers have termed “near-catastrophic dehydration.” Neighbours noted her absence from the usual daily routines — no newspaper delivery checked, no scones shared, and not a single casual remark about the weather.

Slumped

The situation reached a climax when her son, Jock Killdunny, paid his routine visit on Tuesday afternoon. He reportedly found his mother “slumped backwards, pale, and whispering faintly about the girders,” referring to the well-known slogan describing Irn-Bru as “made from girders.” Even more alarmingly, the missing crate was discovered balanced precariously atop her head, suggesting that Mrs Killdunny had been looking for something she would never find.

Emergency services were not required, though Jock reportedly administered “rapid hydration therapy” in the form of multiple cans of Irn-Bru directly into her hands and lap. Mrs Killdunny was said to recover almost immediately, remarking that “nothing else will ever do. Tea? Water? Ha. Girders only.”

A Serious Hazard

Local doctors issued a gentle reminder that, while Irn-Bru can be an effective morale booster, prolonged reliance on a single soft drink is not recommended for general health, though they admitted they “would not interfere with a Scottish granny’s relationship with her beloved beverage.”

The Killdunny household has since restocked the supply, and Mrs Killdunny reportedly plans a new inventory system to ensure no crate goes missing again, with Jock promising to install “crate tracking and occasional supervision” as standard practice.

The incident has sparked quiet amusement across Aberdeen, where locals now refer to her temporarily weakened state as “The Great Irn-Bru Famine of 2025.”

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