Saturday, June 1, 2024

Colgate toothpaste scientifically proved not to be worth a tenner

Colgate toothpaste scientifically proved not to be worth a tenner

Suffolk scientists have proved that paying a tenner for a Colgate toothpaste is just stupidity as people are just hypnotised by Colgate.

Aaaah, Colgate. The number one, most successful toothpaste brand in the universe – ever! We love it as much now as adults, as we did when we were forced to use it as kids. Who can forget those bi-weekly mouthfuls of the sweet, foaming gloop that kept our rancid, youthful gobs minty fresh? Colgate’s popularity is in fact, so widespread, that it is the only product in the world used by more than half of all households.

Amazing… considering it doesn’t work.

Yes! Despite it’s 67.7% global market share, Colgate toothpaste is as effective at whitening teeth in a lasting way as… dog shit.

Think about it…

If it actually worked, everyone’s teeth would be white by now? I alone have been using it since the 1970’s (sometimes sucking it directly from the tube as a treat) and the colour of my teeth more closely resembles a well-aged Dijon mustard than a shimmering pearl necklace.

And that’s not all. If it really did work, why are there FIFTY-ONE different varieties of toothpaste products advertised on its website? Surely one would be enough?

What is wrong with us?

Listen to this description of its latest utterly ineffective offering…

“Max White Ultra – Start every day with a dazzling white smile thanks to Colgate® Max White Ultimate toothpaste is the 1st enzyme boosted whitening toothpaste with a professional whitening ingredient. Our most effective whitening toothpaste that reverses up to 15 years of discolouration.”

OK. So its ‘max white’ is it? ‘max’? Short for ‘maximum’? So there won’t be any more different varieties coming out then? Ever? That’s it, is it? Not a new ‘DOUBLE maximum white’ in a few months’ time? We’ve achieved maximum whiteness of our teeth, have we? Ok. Thanks, then, Colgate. Thanks for all you’ve done. You can go now.

If only it were true. But it’s not… it’s bollocks, and we all know it. We’re just pretending. It’s like we’ve all been hypnotised by Colgate.

Try this…

Next time you brush your teeth (say, a week on Tuesday) actually look at your teeth afterward. White, grey, or yellow? If it’s not white, then there’s you’re proof.

If that doesn’t convince you, here’s what Colgate itself says you should do if you really want white teeth… and no, it’s not use their toothpaste…

You should not Don’t drink coffee

Must not drink red wine

Don’t smoke or use smokeless tobacco products

Don’t eat beets or blueberries

FFS. I want my tenner back!

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