CO-OP, IPSWCH – The Ipswich branch of the Co-op has unveiled its newest anti-theft strategy: a furious, hissing munchkin cat named Venom.

Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint

Venom, a two-year-old feline with the legs of a corgi and the temperament of a wolverine, belongs to assistant manager Denise Mallory, who brought him in “just to see what would happen.” What happened, it turns out, is a 300% drop in shoplifting and a 700% increase in startled pensioners.

Positioned menacingly near the self-checkouts like a furry gargoyle, Venom glares at customers attempting to under-scan meal deals and lashes out at anyone who rustles a crisp packet suspiciously. “He doesn’t like eye contact,” Mallory explained. “Or people. Or joy.”

Furmidable Force

The move comes amid growing frustration over the UK’s shoplifting epidemic, with security guards increasingly reluctant to intervene in thefts for fear of being sued, stabbed, or scolded on social media. “It’s a tough environment,” said one guard. “We can’t detain anyone anymore unless they sign a consent form and pose for a LinkedIn photo.”

Venom, however, has no such qualms. He has scratched three suspected thieves, menaced a student into paying for chewing gum, and once stared down a known serial looter until they fled — leaving behind a basket and part of their soul.

While some customers have voiced concern over Venom’s aggressive purring and “unblinking judgement,” most agree it’s working. “I was going to nick a chicken sandwich,” said one teen, “but then that thing blinked at me and I just… I don’t know who I am anymore.”

The Co-op has now placed a sign at the door: “Shoplifters will be clawed.”

Venom, meanwhile, is on break — glaring at pigeons.