Sport

Fear and Abject-Failure named in England World Cup squad

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England World Cup squad

Manager Gareth Southgate has today named Fear, Abject-Failure and Useless in his 23-man England World Cup squad.

He has gone for experience as he tries to manage the expectations of fans ahead of this summer’s tournament in Russia.

Fear and Startled will form the backbone of the England defence, while Useless, Dim-Wit and Feckless will be expected to score the goals to propel England to World Cup glory for the first time since 1966.

The midfield engine room will be masterminded by veteran team captain Abject-Failure, who will run around alongside Panicky and Spineless.

Unveiling his squad at a press conference at Wembley, Mr Southgate said he would be sticking with his tried and tested goalkeeper, Bungle as his number one choice.

But second-choice keeper Butterfingers is expected to keep Bungle on his toes.

Southgate, 47, said: “Everyone knows what England fans expect of us in Russia.

“We have reputations to uphold and I have picked what I believe is the best 23-man England World Cup squad to enable us to crash out at the group stage as usual.”

The Three Lions have been drawn in Group G along with Belgium, Panama and Tunisia, and start their FIFA World Cup campaign on June 18 against Tunisia.

It is widely expected they will only manage a draw against Panama and lose to Tunisia and Belgium, with Dim-Wit missing a last-minute penalty to save the day.

Skipper Abject-Failure, who has already won an amazing 545 caps for England, said: “We go to Russia knowing what we have to do. England expects.”

England World Cup squad

Manager
Gareth Southgate

Goalkeepers
Bungle
Butterfingers

Defenders
Fear
Botch
Collapse
Anxious
Good-For-Nothing
Startled
Coward

Midfielders
Abject-Failure (captain)
Panicky
Spineless
Defecit
Aghast
Futile
Crumble
Fall-Short
Sissy

Attackers
Feckless
Dim-Wit
Useless
Failing
Inept

Physio
Lorraine Fisher, 34.

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