Labour bans school reading, says phones better, equality improves nationwide.

By Our Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks

WESTMINSTER, YOOKAY – The Labour Party is reportedly preparing to ban reading in schools across England, citing concerns that it is “boring, pointless, and not as good as phones.”

Sources within the Department for Education say the policy is being shaped under the leadership of Education Secretary Bridget Phillipson, who is believed to have concluded that traditional literacy is “no longer aligned with the lived experience of young people scrolling TikTok in double maths“.

According to a leaked briefing note, ministers are increasingly convinced that books “cannot compete with the immersive, thumb-driven narrative ecosystems of modern smartphones,” adding that “plot development is now better handled via algorithm.”

The proposal would see reading removed from the national curriculum, along with comprehension tests and any requirement to engage with texts longer than a meme caption. Instead, pupils will be encouraged to “interpret vibes”, “skim emotionally”, and “develop scrolling stamina”.

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A senior source explained that the reform would also tackle inequality. “For too long, children who struggle with reading have been made to feel inadequate,” they said. “By eliminating reading altogether, we ensure no child is left behind—or, indeed, able to read ahead.”

Asked whether the policy might risk “dumbing down” an entire generation, a department spokeswoman paused before replying, “Er, probably. I don’t know really.”

Teaching unions have expressed concern, warning that removing literacy could have “unintended consequences”, including the inability to understand exam papers, job applications, or basic road signs. However, officials insist these fears are “overly text-based”.

The policy is expected to be trialled in selected schools later this year, with early success measured by a sharp rise in screen time and a corresponding decline in “unnecessary page-turning.”