Suffolk library combats disruptive ankle fetish gatherings with blunt warning sign.

By Our Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred

Staff at the public library in the tiny Suffolk hamlet of Crackthorn Corner say they have been forced to install a warning sign after a niche discussion group caused “deep discomfort” in the adult reading section.

A notice taped to the door, reads simply: “NO WANKING IN THE LIBRARY.”

According to witnesses, the problem began several months ago when a small gathering of self-described “ankle enthusiasts” started meeting every Thursday afternoon beneath a portrait of Queen Elizabeth II.

At first, staff believed the men were part of a podiatry appreciation society. “They were talking about heels, arches, hosiery and support straps,” explained assistant librarian Denise Wimple. “We assumed it was all above board”

Skanky Ankles

Concerns reportedly escalated when the group began loudly discussing their admiration for obscure adult performer Scarlett Spankle, whose speciality, members claimed, involved so-called “close-ups of her skanky ankles.”

Library volunteer Trevor Moss, 74, said he became suspicious after overhearing phrases such as “elegant calcaneus structure” and “exceptional rotational flexibility.”

“It didn’t sound like normal literary criticism,” he noted.

The gathering  allegedly involved middle-aged men reading fetish-themed magazines aloud to one another while seated in a semicircle near the biographies section.

One exhausted staff member said morale collapsed entirely after a confused pensioner accidentally wandered into what she believed was a poetry recital.

“She came over asking where the gardening books were,” said Ms Wimple. “One of them stood up and started explaining the sensual power of compression socks.”

The parish council has since backed the library’s decision to display clearer behavioural guidance.

Meanwhile: ‘Wankpass’ grants year-round access to Germany’s most hilarious peak