SOUTHOLT, SUFFOLK – In the sleepy town of Southolt, Suffolk, a drug dealer found himself in the brown stuff during a routine traffic stop.

By Our Crime Editor: Rob Banks

The incident unfolded when Police pulled over a man who was struggling to walk or, when asked, spread his legs. Clearly sensing that something was amiss, the diligent officers decided to investigate further.

During a search, officers discovered an assortment of pills hidden in the man’s sock. When questioned, the man, identified as 32-year-old David Creambun from Ipswich, explained that the pills were Ibuprofen and had been given to him by his mum to ease the pain of a bullet allegedly lodged in his spine.

However, when police noticed two different types of pills, Creambun shrugged it off, suggesting that his mother might have “accidentally” mixed them up.

The officers, not entirely convinced by Creambun’s touching tale of motherly love, continued their search. As they reached his groin area, Creambun claimed he couldn’t spread his legs due to his spine injury. The officers, unperturbed by this sudden onset of paralysis, escorted him to Southolt Police Station for a more thorough examination.

Trigger warning

Once at the station, it became apparent that Creambun’s waddle was caused by a clenching of the bum cheeks. A hastily conducted body scan revealed why: Creambun was stashing contraband up his arse. Upon further investigation, rubber-gloved officers retrieved two bags of a green leafy substance and, perhaps most shockingly, a hand gun.

Cretinous Creambun was later charged with lying to a Policeman, having a stupid surname, and possession of a dirty weapon. The pills turned out to be oxycodone hydrochloride, with a side of fentanyl, and the leafy substance was identified as THC.

Creambun has a criminal history stretching back to 2009, suggesting that this isn’t his first brush with the law – although it is surely his most painful.

Meanwhile: Suffolk Police offers free cocaine purity check