Rock legends Def Leppard bid for British Olympic relay glory.
By Our Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint
SHEFFIELD — Rock legends Def Leppard have formally petitioned to represent Team GB as the men’s 4x100m relay squad at the next Olympic Games.
Old is Gold
The band – Rock legends, whose combined age of 328 roughly equals the total historical timeline of the modern Olympics, insists their bid is legitimate. Frontman Joe Elliott, 66, claims the move is a natural progression from stadium rock. “We’ve spent forty years running around massive stages,” Elliott told reporters while stretching in a pair of Union Jack leather trousers. “Phil Collen has 0% body fat. He’s basically a sprinter who accidentally learned guitar.”
The proposed lineup sees guitarist Collen running the opening leg, taking advantage of his shirtless aerodynamics to cut drag. Bassist Rick Savage will handle the second leg, followed by guitarist Vivian Campbell on the bend. The strategy hinges on drummer Rick Allen running the anchor leg.
“It’s tactical genius,” explained Collen, applying a third layer of bronzer. “Rick has one arm. In a relay, the biggest risk is the baton handover. By putting Rick on the anchor leg, he only has to receive the baton. He doesn’t have to pass it to anyone. We have mathematically eliminated 25% of the failure points that usually doom the British team.”
Last legs
To prepare, the band – Rock Legends has reportedly replaced their tour bus with a high-performance centrifuge and is training at a private track in Sheffield, where the starting pistol has been replaced by a pyrotechnic explosion. Their training regime, titled “Hysteria on the Track,” involves sprinting 100 meters every time they hear the opening riff of “Animal.”
British Athletics issued a terse statement regarding the bid: “While we appreciate the enthusiasm of Mr. Elliott and his colleagues, Olympic selection requires qualifying times, not platinum albums. However, given our recent history of dropping batons, we are not ruling anything out.”
When asked what happens if they don’t qualify, Elliott remained defiant. “It’s better to burn out than fade away,” he said, before pulling a hamstring attempting a crouch start. “Besides, if we lose, we’ll just blame the sound guy.”
