Cabinet cast as traitors; record ratings follow national interest betrayal.

By Our Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks

TRAITORS MANSION, SCOTTISH HIGHLANDS – In a move hailed as the most authentic casting decision in television history, the BBC’s latest season of The Traitors has shattered global viewing records, attracting a staggering 25 million concurrent viewers who tuned in to watch the Labour Cabinet play themselves.

The series, typically filmed in the Scottish Highlands, moved to a drafty community centre in the North of England to save on the “Winter Fuel Allowance” budget. Producers confirmed that the decision to cast the front bench was a stroke of genius, noting that the Cabinet’s natural aptitude for “the long con” made traditional contestants look like amateurs.

“It’s breathtakingly realistic,” said one viewer from a boarded-up high street. “Usually, you have to guess who the Traitors are. But watching them sit around a round table and systematically vote to deplete the nation’s inheritance while smiling and calling it ‘tough choices’ is the kind of high-stakes drama you just can’t script.”

Cloak & dagger

The record-breaking premiere featured a standout moment where the Traitors successfully “banished” the concept of a comfortable retirement and “murdered” the hopes of jobseekers via a series of National Insurance hikes. Unlike previous seasons, where contestants struggle with guilt, this year’s players have remained remarkably stoic, citing a “mandate for change” every time they remove a reward from the prize pot.

Labour Government Popularity

As the series progresses, bookies are predicting Starmer as the most traitorous contestant and ultimate winner. However, most experts agree that as long as the British public continues to lose, the ratings for this particular brand of betrayal will only continue to soar.