LONDON, UK – The Labour Party has announced that nobody has been elected as Labour’s new deputy leader following Angela Rayner’s resignation last month.

By Our Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks

The non-entity MP defeated Education Secretary Bridget Phillipson by pledging to give “grassroots members a louder voice” and to push for a “course correction,” though most observers suspect the ship has long since sailed.

After being sacked from the Cabinet in September, nobody won 87,407 votes—nearly 14,000 more than Phillipson—on a turnout of just 16.6%, suggesting that even Labour members struggled to care deeply about the contest.

Waste of space

In a victory speech delivered from behind an empty podium, no-one declared that the party needed to be “bolder,” promising to be a “champion for Labour values,” a statement that drew polite applause from an audience unsure whether they’d heard this before (they had).

“I’ll help Keir and our government to succeed,” said nobody, “but we must change how we’re doing things to turn things around,” prompting analysts to agree that, yes, “turning things around” would indeed be a start.

Nobody also promised to “bring voices” from the grassroots “to the heart of the party,” though critics noted that the heart of the party has been clinically flatlining for some time.

Addressing the rise of Reform UK, the empty stage insisted Labour must “wrestle back the political megaphone,” adding that “trying to out-Reform Reform” was futile—a rare point on which everyone agreed.

Political commentators described the result as “a victory for continuity mediocrity,” while insiders said nobody was exactly what the Labour leadership wanted: loyal, unthreatening, and unlikely to make headlines.

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