RIVER THAMES, LONDON – The Ministry of Defence has announced the recommissioning of HMS Belfast, the WWII-era warship moored peacefully on the Thames, in preparation for possible conflict with Russia.

Defence Editor: Doug Trench

The 85-year-old vessel, best known as a popular school-trip destination and occasional wedding venue, will be towed out of central London “once the River Cruises have cleared,” and retrofitted with “whatever still works.”

Sir Keir Starmer, addressing a half-empty House of Commons, announced: “Britain is prepared to defend itself using all available resources, including charming naval museums.” When asked if the recommissioning was a sign of military strength, the PM replied, “Absolutely. There are at least six working lightbulbs and a kettle onboard. It’s practically a frigate.”

Ship of fools

Defence analysts were less enthused. “It’s a damning indictment of our armed forces,” said one anonymous source. “We’ve spent so long cutting budgets that our best option is a floating relic last used in anger during the Korean War.”

Current plans involve installing a Wi-Fi router, replacing the 15-inch shells with “whatever we can 3D print,” and having the ship’s cafe double as an emergency command centre.

The Ministry insists the Belfast will be combat-ready “by next Tuesday, or Wednesday at the latest depending on the tide.”

Meanwhile, Vladimir Putin is believed to have responded with laughter and a swift increase in submarine production.

The HMS Belfast, now Britain’s first warship with a gift shop and ice cream machine, sails again—for Queen and country, and possibly a limited run on Channel 5.

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