GREGGS, IPSWICH – Just days after sparking national uproar with his on-air cry to “Kill the IDF”, controversial punk-reggae frontman Bob Vylan has traded headlines for hairnets, quietly selling sausage rolls at Greggs on Ipswich High Street.

Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint

The former firebrand performer – whose real name remains a well-guarded mystery, (Pascal Robinson-Foster)  – was dropped by his management and US booking agents within hours of his Glastonbury outburst. The US State Department promptly banned him from entering the country, describing him as “a threat to diplomacy and decency, and possibly pastry.”

Don’t release the sausages

Unfazed, Vylan has embraced his new chapter, telling customers who ask for the world famous savoury treats, “Fuck you, you can’t have that!”. Vylan himself prefers the vegan options while his daughter apparently “prefers mummy’s proper cooking”. “I’m not the story”, said a slightly crestfallen Vylan, “sausages are the story.”

Glastonbury organisers declined to comment, but sources say festival founder Michael Eavis has ordered a full review of the booking process, including a moratorium on acts described as “boringly political.”

Locals in Ipswich appear divided. One customer called the career pivot “a humbling moment for a pasty-faced radical” while another asked, “Isn’t that the bloke who used to be famous?”

Meanwhile, Greggs HQ has issued a statement confirming that while they do not endorse political slogans, they do value “initiative, punctuality, and the ability to restock steak bakes under pressure.”

When asked whether he’d return to music, Vylan shrugged: “You stole it right outta my hands

and pulled the rug right under my feet, I’m Nat Turner meets Nat King Cole, A well-dressed brother with a revolution in my soul, We the people in the street, got the gammons on retreat

and their blood boils over when we speak, so let it be heard, we ain’t wasting a scrap when we eat …at Greggs.”

He then shouted “Death to lukewarm pasties!” and went back to rotating a tray of sausage rolls.

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