There is finally some good news for the United Kingdom to celebrate – we are going to win Eurovision Song Contest.
Experts say the result in Turin is a foregone conclusion because the rest of Europe loves us so much.
Expect the maximum 12 points from the French jury, and the same top score from the Germans, Italians and Spanish.
UK performer Sam Ryder is a shoe-in with his song Space Man.
Eurovision pundit Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “The country needs cheering up, and the fact that Europe loves us so much will be plain for all to see.”
French Eurovision commentator Jean Claude Barnier explained: “We have put the trifling squabble over Brexit, Channel immigrant crossings and Jersey fishing rights behind us.
“We have not even heard the UK entry, but everyone says they will vote for it anyway.
“Rule Britannia, and all that.”
Meanwhile, some cynics suggest quite the opposite will happen when it comes to voting this evening, with everyone expected to support Ukraine, no matter what quality of song they present.
“Nobody in Europe will vote for the UK unless they are pissed or live in Malta,” said leading music expert Steve Walshe.