Monday, February 12, 2024

TV dumpling kills Suffolk woman

TV dumpling kills Suffolk woman

A poignant memorial bench for a departed wife, has been unveiled in the car park of the Harvester restaurant in Kesgrave, E.Suffolk.

Barbara Enright – ‘fat Babs’ to her mates – passed away last Thursday while she was at home with her husband, Des Enright, enjoying a TV dinner of suckling pig, dumplings, and gravy – with all the trimmings. Tragically, Babs died during an ad break in I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! as she turned to her husband and uttered the words, ‘get me some more…’ before choking on a dumpling – without finishing her final sentence.

Mr Enright desperately tried to save his wife’s purposeless life by repeatedly attempting the Heimlich maneuver (you try spelling those two words together) but was unsuccessful as he was unable to link his hands together around his wife’s enormous girth.

Still in shock

He told this reporter, ‘I’m still in shock. I can’t believe Carol Vorderman could fit something that big her mouth, let alone two at the same time! Oh, you mean about Babs? Oh, yeah, well it’s basically like you already reported. I thought it might happen some day. I was always telling her not to eat with her mouth full. Same goes for Vorders! Ha Ha!’

Asked what Fat Babs was like when she was alive, Des told me “Er?… well… she was kind of… er?…. well, she was awful when she was hungry – which was most of the time – but after a feed, she was pretty solid. She would wash my car for me if I asked her to.”

Ashes to ashes

Mr Enright decided to have the inscribed bench installed outside their local Harvester restaurant in memory of his wife. “I decided to have the inscribed bench installed outside our local Harvester in memory of the wife, because it was one of her favourite places. We used to stand outside the main entrance, and have a fag between courses. We smoked thousands of fags together on that exact spot so I thought it would be… you know… befitting.”

Reflecting on his wife’s timely death, a bleary-eyed Des (a recovering alcoholic) said, “I think it may have been all that standing up that killed her. It must have put a strain on her heart. If I’d have thought about putting in the bench sooner she might still be here with us. Oh well, too late now.”

Fat Babs is survived by Des (barely), two cats, and quite a few woodlice.

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