Trump threatens Suffolk Gazette over potato lookalike story, demands billions.

By Our Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks

The White House has formally declared war on Suffolk’s most notorious satirical news outlet, The Suffolk Gazette. The move follows what officials are calling the “final insult” in the ongoing Trump/BBC fake news saga: a story titled “Spanish Potato Farmer is Donald Trump Double.”

According to sources, President Trump was first made aware of the piece after an aide accidentally printed it out thinking it was a briefing from Fox News. The article, accompanied by a photograph of a ruddy-faced woman farmer, Dolores Leis Antelo, at a farm in Cabana de Bergantiños, Spain, did indeed bear a striking resemblance to the former president, reportedly caused “three minutes of uncontrolled yelling and at least one thrown Diet Coke.”

Ten Billion Dollars

In an official statement, the White House Press Secretary announced that unless The Suffolk Gazette issued a full apology, complete retraction, and payment of £10 billion by next Tuesday, “the President will pursue all available legal remedies, including defamation, deformation, and possibly deforestation.”

The Gazette, famed for its irreverent headlines and creative contempt for authority, has so far refused to comply. In a statement released late last night, Politics Editor Polly Ticks responded in verse:

“Hey Donald, ooh ah, I wanna know-o-o-o-o-oh, why you’re such a c**t?”

The President is said to be “deeply offended,” though insiders claim he’s privately considering whether he could monetise the incident by selling Trump-branded potatoes in time for Thanksgiving.

Downing Street has declined to comment, though a spokesperson noted that “it’s the first time in history a local news outlet has been accused of foreign interference in a U.S. election.”

As of this morning, the Gazette’s servers remain online — though reportedly hidden under straw for protection.

Meanwhile: Britain threatens to invade Switzerland over Toblerone shape row