FRAMLINGHAM, SUFFOLK – Eccentric pig farmer Graeme Diggard, of Hill Farm, Framlingham, is celebrating after securing a £20 million. A ten-year deal with Marks & Spencer to bring oversized pork products to the Great British public.
By Our Consumer Correspondent: Colin Allcabs
The deal will see Diggard’s now-legendary 20-foot-long, 15-ton pigs. Which is heavier than a London double-decker bus or your aunt’s third wedding — finally hit the shelves.
For decades, Suffolk farmer Diggard has toiled in obscurity (and mud), attempting to breed “the pig to end all pigs.” Now, with genetically gargantuan results, he claims to have created “the future of affordable protein.” What he’s really created, however, is a range of Franken-pork products so large they require forklift handling, crane delivery, and their own planning permission.
M&S will soon stock an eye-watering menu of porcine oddities. Among them is Sofa-Slab Bacon, with rashers “the size of patio furniture cushions,” and Jurassic Ham Hock, which Diggard claims “doubles as a side table.” His Family-Size Sausage Coil is so vast it’s sold on a reel usually reserved for garden hoses, and the Cathedral of Crackling is reportedly large enough to double as a temporary roof.
Lucky Suffolk farmer
“Everything’s to scale,” Diggard said proudly, stroking what may have been a man-sized piglet in a blanket of straw. “The Titanium Trotter Terrine is car bonnet-sized, the Industrial-Strength Black Pudding comes via crane. The Spare Ribs for Giants include scaffolding and an optional lifeguard.” Rounding out the menu is his Mega-Belly Porchetta Roll, prepared in a cement mixer, and the Skyscraper Streaky Rashers — bacon strips stretching up to eight feet, ideal for guilt-ridden sandwiches or insulating sheds.
But not everyone is thrilled.
“This is a grotesque distortion of nature,” fumed Yvette Parsnip, spokesperson for militant plant-based group Tofu Uprising UK. “No living creature should be bred to the size of a leisure centre. What next, sausages with postcodes? Oh wait, that’s already happening.”
Outside a London M&S, protestors waved signs reading ‘Pigs Are Not Pylons’ and ‘Make Bacon Normal Again’, while one activist dressed in a giant rasher costume was wrestled to the ground after attempting to glue himself to a rotisserie.
M&S issued a brief statement: “We are always looking for bold, innovative food solutions that meet customer demand. Also, we just really love big pigs.”
As for Suffolk farmer Diggard, he remains undeterred. “Next up? A 40-foot chicken. I’ve got plans drawn up and a very nervous-looking rooster in the barn.”
Meanwhile: Gang nabs £20 treasures from Suffolk museum
