Santa skips Downing Street due to Starmer kids’ naughty behaviour.
By Our Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks
Downing Street was abuzz with a rather un-festive air this Christmas morning, as reports emerged that Santa Claus, the jolly man himself, opted to bypass the Prime Minister’s residence entirely. While children across the nation woke to stockings overflowing and presents piled high, the Starmer household was left conspicuously bare beneath the tree.
In a move described by political analysts as “the ultimate blow to the Downing Street policy agenda,” Santa Claus confirmed this morning that the Starmer children were officially blacklisted from the 2025 gift cycle.
Addressing a gathering of disgruntled elves, Mr. Claus cited “systemic behavioural failings” and a “notable lack of transparency” regarding the household’s cookie-to-milk ratio.
Like father like son
“The decision was not taken lightly,” a spokesperson for the North Pole’s Department of Naughty or Nice (DNN) stated. “However, after reviewing the data, it became clear that the residents of Number 10 have failed to meet the basic thresholds for ‘Goodness.’ We are seeing a significant deficit in candour that simply cannot be bridged by mere promises of better behaviour in the next fiscal year.”
The move marks the first time a Prime Minister’s family has been collectively denied a delivery since the 1970s. Sources suggest the “Naughty” designation was triggered by several high-profile incidents, including an alleged refusal to share a gaming console and a controversial “freebie” scandal involving a borrowed pair of North Pole-brand designer boots.
In Westminster, the news was met with predictable friction. A spokesperson for the Prime Minister issued a brief statement: “We are focused on the people’s priorities. While we respect the independent oversight of the North Pole, we believe this decision is ideologically driven and fails to account for the inheritance of a very messy bedroom from the previous administration.”
Rumours suggest that Keir Starmer attempted to negotiate a “Stability Pact” with Claus, offering a 2% increase in reindeer lichen subsidies in exchange for a single Lego set. The offer was reportedly rejected, with Claus noting that “integrity cannot be means-tested.”