BURY ST EDMUNDS, SUFFOLK – No-nonsense shopkeeper, Barry Singh, has once again made headlines—this time for an unexpected addition to his local store, Morrisinghs: a blunt sign on his shop door that reads ‘NO DICKHEADS.’

By Our Consumer Correspondent: Colin Allcabs

The sign, which helpfully elaborates, ‘If you are a dickhead, have been known to be a d*ckhead, or are thinking about being a dickhead today, we ask that you go be a dickhead somewhere else!’ has been met with both confusion and quiet admiration from local shoppers.

“I thought he was joking,” said one customer, who wished to remain anonymous in case Barry was watching. “But then I saw him turn away some bloke who was moaning about the price of Tomato Soup.”

Git out!

Singh, 46, has grown tired of dealing with what he describes as ‘professional complainers’—a category that, according to him, includes people who argue about the price of milk, bring expired coupons, and accuse him of running a secret racket with Big Noodle.

Indeed, Singh’s latest controversy stemmed from a ‘not special offer’ on Unilever’s Lost The Pot Noodles—essentially Pot Noodles, but without the pot. A failed marketing gimmick, the product left consumers wondering why they should pay for what is essentially a bag of loose dehydrated disappointment. Despite this, Singh defiantly priced them at 50p—a dramatic reduction of exactly zero pence from their usual cost.

Asked about his unchanging ‘special’ price, Singh shrugged. “It was bloody special before. It’s still bloody special now. If you don’t get it, maybe you belong in the category of people this sign is talking about, innit?”

As customers debate the moral and legal ramifications of a No Dickheads policy, Singh remains unmoved. “It’s my bloddy shop, my rules,” he stated. “And if you don’t like it, well—you know what to do. Fuck off!”