Lowestoft Ice Cream seller, Lorraine Fisher, 34, found herself caught in a swirl of controversy when her bank, the esteemed Coutts of London, suddenly closed her current account, accusing her of money laundering.
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent
Chubby Lorraine, adored by locals for her delectable frozen treats, was dumbfounded by the accusation. “Money laundering? I barely have enough change to buy wafer oyster shells,”. She exclaimed with a perplexed look, as she diligently wiped away strawberry sauce from her chin.
The chilling money laundering story comes in the wake of Brexit campaigner, Nigel Farage claiming that his account with high-net-worth bank Coutts had also been closed.
Farage claimed that the bank – popular with members of the Royal family (except Prince Andrew). Classified him as a “politically exposed person” or PEP, and said closing his bank accounts was part of a plan to castrate him politically and force him to go and live in Brussels.
The news of Lorraine’s alleged illicit activities quickly spread like a scoop of melting ice cream on a hot summer’s day.
Coutts, known for catering to the elite, released a statement defending their decision. They claimed to have uncovered “a vast network of illicit transactions” involving Lorraine’s ice cream van. “The sheer volume of ‘sprinkle’ expenses raised red flags,” the bank declared.
Banks taking the pistachios
Rumors began swirling around Lowestoft that Lorraine’s ‘cash only’ ice cream truck was a front for a major international cartel. However, skeptics argued that the only thing Lorraine had ever smuggled was extra Pistachios on a customer’s sundae. As the seaside town became a hub of media attention, the locals rallied around Lorraine. They organized a protest, brandishing ice cream cones and placards that read. “Justice for the Gelato Queen” and “Cones, Not Crimes!”
The uproar eventually reached the attention of doo-gooding ice cream giant, Ben & Jerry’s, who offered Lorraine their legal support. “If she was laundering money, it was the sweetest crime we’ve ever seen,” remarked the company’s CEO, clearly unable to resist a good pun.
In the end, the scandal turned out to be a hilarious mix-up and Coutts Bank later admitted their mistake. Blaming a computer glitch that misinterpreted ice cream sales as suspicious transactions.
Lorraine’s account was reinstated, and she received a formal apology from the bank’s CEO, along with a year’s supply of low cocoa-content flakes.
As Lorraine resumed her post at the seaside, doing what she does best. Scooping joy into sugar cones and dipping her finger in for a little lick. She couldn’t help but chuckle at the absurdity of it all.
Little did she know that her newfound fame would lead to a surge in ice cream sales, as people from far and wide flocked to her truck, eager to taste the “notorious” flavors of the innocent ice cream money launderer.