PARK LANE, LONDON -In a move described by insiders as “TripAdvisor meets Border Force”. The Home Office has reportedly hired television’s Hotel Inspector, Alex Polizzi. Who will kit out dozens of hotels earmarked for accommodating an anticipated 10,000 cross-channel boat migrants over the next year.
By Our Security Correspondent: Ben Twarters
Polizzi, famous for her no-nonsense critiques and fondness for plumping cushions with military precision. She has been tasked with transforming Britain’s hastily repurposed budget lodgings into “welcoming, functional sanctuaries with a hint of boutique charm. Even if they smell faintly of damp carpet, darling.”
A leaked memo suggests upgrades will include Egyptian cotton sheets (“or at least polyester that looks expensive”). Tasteful yet wipe-clean décor, and the installation of complimentary kettles that “will definitely work, most of the time.” Shower pressure is to be tested using Polizzi’s famed “one-eyebrow lift” method — a silent but devastating verdict on underperforming plumbing.
Taking over the asylum
The scheme, dubbed Operation Turn-Down Service. It will be rolled out across a network of two- and three-star hotels from Dover to Dundee. A Home Office spokesperson insisted the project was not about luxury but about “providing humane, dignified accommodation — and maybe the odd scatter cushion.”
Critics argue that sprucing up hotels for migrants sends “the wrong message,” but Polizzi countered during a site visit in Hull: “A clean bathroom and a working lightbulb aren’t decadence — they’re civilisation.”
The first Polizzi-approved property is due to open next month in Folkestone. She has complete with neutral wall tones, a breakfast buffet that “doesn’t induce regret,” and signage in multiple languages advising guests how to operate British shower taps.
Polizzi has promised the Home Office she will not rest until “every single guest feels like they’ve stepped into a three-star dream, even if they arrived by dinghy.”
