DOWNING STREET, LONDON – Weedy, Communist warmonger, Sir Keir Starmer has paused selling out his country for five minutes to focus on selling Heinz Beans & Hostages instead.
Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint
The PM, who only this week announced that he is putting the country on readiness for war with Russia – despite not being able to even prevent the invasion of rubber dinghies crossing the channel from France – has reportedly signed a £1 million deal with Heinz to promote his favourite tinned food – Heinz Beans & Hostages.
Unpopular Starmer, who famously urged Hamas terrorists to “release the sausages” from captivity in Gaza, referring to Israeli hostages, has decided to take his own advice and release his own personalized sausage product onto supermarket shelves.
Little chipolata
A spokesman for Heinz said “OK, so we known that everyone thinks Starmer is a numpty, but in the marketing game its all about column inches, and to us, the PM represents at least 3 inches of pure sausage.”
Despite Heinz’s confidence in the new partnership, customers at the Ipswich branch of Lidl had somewhat of a different view. Barry Dingleberry, 41 told the SUFFOLK GAZETTE: “I used to love Heinz Sausage and Beans, but now they’ve put his stupid grinning face all over the packaging, I’ll be going back to Macaroni cheese.”
Heinz says that if sales of Beans & Hostages live up to expectations, they may release other Starmer-endorsed products. “As well as his tendency to mispeak during his speeches, Sir Keir is also well known for being economical with the truth, so we have the ‘Starmer’s Porkie Pies’ range of meat pies ready and waiting to go”.
