DOVER, KENT – Home Secretary Yvette Cooper has urged British holidaymakers to cancel their seaside getaways in order to free up space for incoming migrant dinghies.

Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint

With over 10,000 people having already crossed the English Channel in small boats this year—a 40% increase compared to this time in 2024—officials are growing increasingly concerned that traditional beach towels, windbreakers and melting 99 Flakes may obstruct vital migrant landing zones.

“We’re facing a capacity crisis,” Cooper is reported to have said. “If every square metre of shingle from Dover to Durdle Door is packed with sunburnt Mancunians and inflatable flamingos, where exactly are desperate migrants meant to disembark? On the A27?”

The Home Office confirmed the milestone was passed on Monday, after more than 200 people crossed in a single day. That followed Sunday’s tally of 247, bringing the total to a tidy 10,132—somewhere between a Glastonbury crowd and a modest-sized Wetherspoons queue.

Red flag to a gammon

A government spokesperson defended the position: “We’re committed to making sure that anyone brave enough to escape France’s boulangerie tyranny is met with warmth, dignity, and, ideally, a clear bit of beach not already taken by Dave from Romford and his portable barbecue.”

Labour, which swept to power in July on promises to “smash” people-smuggling gangs, has so far successfully smashed only the dreams of British caravan park owners.

British Holidaymakers are now being encouraged to consider alternative inland destinations—perhaps the Lake District, the Cotswolds, or, ideally, somewhere French.

Meanwhile, the government is rumored to be trialing a new colour-coded beach flag system: red for unsafe swimming, yellow for lifeguard patrols, and blue for “Active Migrant Landing Zone—Please Relocate Your Picnic Immediately.”

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