Anonymous pub bloke: Kelly Brook would milk a pig for TV fame.
By Our Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint
DUNGAY CREEK, AUSTRALIA – A former classmate of I’m A Celebrity contestant Kelly Brook hasn’t stepped forward from the shadows to reveal the naked truth about Britain’s most famous pair of natural resources.
Speaking exclusively to a freelance hack in a West End boozer, the anonymous ex-schoolmate – who may or may not be a real person – might have claimed that former model and ‘actress’ Brook’s jungle ambitions were forged in the playgrounds of Rochester.
“She was always desperate to be a somebody,” he could have told the reporter, who would have immediately called in the story to a Sunday tabloid. “Despite having no actual talent whatsoever, she had this steely determination that would take her to the very top. Or at least take her top off. Same difference, really.”
Pulled pork
According to the source, who asked to remain nameless because he has never actually existed in any verifiable form, Brook possibly once confided to a friend of a friend who knows someone who works at ITV, that she would “happily milk a pig live on air if it meant a seat on the I’m A Celebrity log”.
ITV declined to confirm whether pig milking formed part of this year’s Bushtucker Trials, but a spokesperson could have said that producers were “open to all reasonable suggestions that boost weekend ratings”.
As Ms Brook continues to dominate camp life by frowning at eels and losing potatoes, viewers can rest assured: whatever happens in the jungle, one theoretical man in a London pub is finally getting his moment in the sun, albeit anonymously, and possibly nursing a pint of pig’s milk.
