The vandalized “Starmer” bench serves as a splintered metaphor for broken Britain.

By Our Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks

HOLBORN AND ST PANCRAS, LONDON — Residents of Sir Keir Starmer’s own constituency have been greeted by a chillingly literal representation of the current UK political climate: a park bench, donated in the Prime Minister’s name, in a state of total structural collapse.

The bench, which once promised a stable place for the weary public to rest, was discovered yesterday with its primary support slats shattered and its once-sturdy frame splintered. To many, the sight of the “Starmer Seat” reduced to kindling is less a case of simple vandalism and more a high-concept piece of performance art documenting the 2026 British experience.

Starmer screwed

While the local council has yet to send a repair crew—reportedly citing a lack of “fiscal headroom” for new wood screws—political commentators have wasted no time in drawing parallels.

“It’s almost too perfect,” noted one observer near the St Pancras site. “You have a bench that looks fine from a distance, but the moment you try to lean on it for support, the whole thing gives way. If that isn’t the Labour manifesto in physical form, I don’t know what is.”

Unsafe seat

Critics have been quick to point out that the bench’s current state mirrors the Prime Minister’s own “Broken Britain” record.

An “Official Statement” from a defensive Downing Street explains how the bench is merely “transitioning into a more modern, flat-pack phase” and promised that the Cabinet is “carefully considering” the possibility of a five-year plan to reinstall the armrest.

As the sun sets over the ruins of the Starmer premiership, the message to the people of Holborn and St Pancras remains clear: Your seat is no longer safe.