Ryanair introduces a shocking new fee for standing upright in the departure lounge. The airline insists the new Upright Passenger Levy is not a charge for being alive but a modest contribution towards the infrastructure required to keep customers at roughly head height.

By Our Security Correspondent: Ben Twarters

Under the proposal, holidaymakers who wish to stand while waiting for a delayed 06:15 flight to Alicante will pay £4.99. Those who lean casually against a pillar, stretch their legs, or assume the posture of a man trying to locate a plug socket will be moved into a premium category.

Ryanair said the measure was designed to offer passengers “more choice over their relationship with gravity”.

A spokesman, who had somehow delivered the statement while seated on a suitcase, said: “For too long, people have expected to stand in an airport lounge without paying for the privilege. That ends today. Sitting remains free, subject to availability, height restrictions and the purchase of our new Seat Surface Access package.”

Ryanair’s standing fee causes vertical outrage

The charge was reportedly tested on a trial basis at Gate 28, where travellers bound for Paphos were asked to download an app before rising from the floor. The app displayed a cheerful animation of Michael O’Leary wearing a top hat and measuring passengers with a tape measure.

A standard standing ticket permits up to 11 minutes of vertical activity in the general departure area. After that, passengers must either pay for another block, crouch discreetly behind a vending machine, or lie flat and claim to be searching for a contact lens.

The airline’s Bronze Upright option covers standing still with both feet on the ground. Silver Upright allows a passenger to shift their weight from one leg to another, while Gold Upright includes looking out of the window at a plane they will almost certainly not be boarding. Platinum customers may queue in a manner suggesting they have somewhere better to be.

There is, naturally, an exception for passengers who are physically incapable of sitting. They will be offered a specially discounted £3.99 Mobility Standing Bundle, provided they produce documentation, three forms of identification and a photograph of themselves looking apologetic.

One Ipswich father-of-two, who asked not to be named because he had told his wife the flights were a bargain, said he was charged £9.98 after standing up to retrieve a cheese-and-onion sandwich from his rucksack.

“Apparently I had entered the ‘active upright zone’,” he said. “I thought that meant the bit where you can buy a Pret. Then a woman in a high-vis tabard appeared and asked whether I was standing for leisure or business. I said I was going to Magaluf. She said that counted as business.”

A new era for departure-lounge economics

Airport analysts, whose main task appears to be explaining why a bacon roll costs the same as a used Vauxhall, have welcomed the move as an innovative response to overcrowding.

Professor Nigel Wheelbarrow of the East Anglia Institute for Things That Have Gone Too Far said airports had long failed to monetise the human body adequately.

“The modern traveller already pays to park, to choose a seat, to take a bag, to print a boarding pass and to breathe near the priority queue,” he explained. “Standing was the last great untapped revenue stream. Frankly, it is surprising it has taken this long.”

He added that some passengers may initially object, but would eventually become accustomed to it in the same way they have accepted removing their shoes in public, carrying tiny bottles of moisturiser in a clear bag and pretending a suitcase the size of a terraced house fits under the seat in front.

Ryanair has denied that the fee is a response to falling profits, rising fuel costs, or an internal company competition to identify a body movement not yet carrying a surcharge. Instead, the airline says it is part of a wider campaign to improve the “departure experience”.

Future options under consideration include a Window Gazing Supplement, a Small Sigh Administration Charge, and a £2.50 fee for walking quickly when the board suddenly changes from FINAL CALL to GATE CLOSED.

Passengers may also be able to buy a Quietly Judging Other People’s Luggage pass, although most Britons are expected to do this without paying.

Suffolk travellers prepare for the worst

In Suffolk, where a trip to Stansted is often planned with the logistical seriousness of a polar expedition, families have already begun making contingency arrangements.

A group from Bury St Edmunds heading to Tenerife has reportedly hired four garden kneelers and a collapsable fishing stool, while a couple from Sudbury intend to spend the entire wait in a series of low, careful squats. Their plan fell apart when they learned that bending at the knees for more than six seconds may be classified as “unauthorised recreational exercise”.

At a pub near Woodbridge, regulars discussed whether it might be cheaper to arrive at the airport already asleep. This is thought to be possible, although sleeping passengers may be billed under the proposed Horizontal Occupancy Scheme.

“You can’t win,” said local man Darren Piggott, 48, who flies once every four years and still feels personally betrayed by the introduction of online check-in. “They’ll charge you for sitting, then standing, then looking like you might be about to stand. Next year there’ll be a fee for thinking about your feet.”

His wife, Sharon, said the family would continue flying with Ryanair because its headline price was £14.99 and because Darren regarded every additional charge as a fascinating personal challenge rather than a warning.

“He once took a fortnight in Corfu with three T-shirts, one flip-flop and a pack of polos in his coat pocket,” she said. “He came home sunburnt and triumphant.”

The small print gets taller

Consumer groups have urged travellers to read the terms and conditions carefully, particularly the section dealing with partial elevation. According to leaked guidance, a passenger who rises halfway from a chair before remembering the charge may be deemed to have entered the Pre-Standing Phase.

This carries no fee for the first two incidents. A third aborted attempt to get up will trigger a £1.75 Hesitation Handling Charge, plus VAT and a small amount of contempt.

Children under two can stand free if held by an adult, although the adult must possess a Child Elevation Permit. Dogs are exempt, chiefly because airline staff have been unable to agree whether a dachshund is standing, sitting, or merely being a dachshund.

The airline has also introduced a priority option for those keen to stand before everybody else. For £19.99, Priority Upright passengers will be invited to form an exclusive queue beside the normal queue, where they can watch the normal queue move faster.

A Ryanair spokesman said criticism of the scheme was misplaced. “Nobody is forcing anyone to stand,” he said. “Passengers are perfectly welcome to remain seated, reclined, folded into a carry-on bag or balanced against a wall at a 45-degree angle, subject to the relevant tariff. This is about freedom.”

He declined to say whether the company would eventually charge passengers for clapping when the plane lands, but confirmed that a feasibility study was under way and had received “an unexpectedly enthusiastic response from regional airports”.

For now, Suffolk holidaymakers are advised to pack light, wear comfortable shoes and practise looking naturally horizontal. If all else fails, simply announce that you are waiting for someone from Norwich. Nobody will expect you to get up quickly.