Soho punters stunned as builder Dave delivers unexpected pole routine.

By Our Angling Correspondent: Courtney Pike

SOHO, LONDON – Customers at an upmarket Soho strip club were left demanding refunds on Friday night after the advertised “mystery headline act” turned out to be a 65-year-old former builder from Dagenham named Dave.

Expectations had reportedly been set by promotional material promising “hardcore, hot sweat, and an unforgettable finish.” While organisers maintain that these claims were technically accurate, audience members argue they had anticipated a different interpretation.

Dave, who spent 40 years in construction before taking early retirement, took to the stage at approximately 11:45pm. Witnesses report an initial hush, followed by what one attendee described as “collective revultion.”

“I thought it was ironic at first,” said Callum, 28, who had travelled to Pinkie’s Nightclub from Croydon for a birthday celebration. “Then he climbed the pole. Properly climbed it. With a hammer. That’s when things got confusing.”

Paint stripper

Club management insists that talented painter and decorator, Dave, was booked through a legitimate agency specialising in “alternative performance experiences.” A spokesperson stated, “In today’s diverse entertainment landscape, we believe audiences should challenge preconceived notions of desirability, agility, and Dave.”

Despite early scepticism, several patrons conceded that Dave’s routine—featuring a surprisingly controlled spin and what experts later confirmed as a “highly revealing toe touch”—earned reluctant applause.

Dave, meanwhile, remained philosophical. “I have more experience of Scaffold poles than anyone else in that club” he said afterwards, “and I think my moobs speak for themselves.”

Refund requests were honoured.

Meanwhile: New LGBTQIA+ colour-blind pride flag revealed